As a child, I resented spending so much time with a nanny instead of my mother. She built and heads her own food service and manufacturing company, which has multiple operations in different cities. So, as a teenager, I swore I wouldn’t ‘outsource’ my childrearing when I started my own family, but that promise has been more of a challenge than I ever anticipated.

I grew up in the bosslady capital of the world. Almost 60% of the management roles in Jamaica are held by women. Having been raised by one of these momtrepreneurs, it isn’t a surprise that I want to build my own business and be financially-independent.

But what a ride it’s been.

I never wanted my child to hate me, but I also don’t want to become the woman who packs away all her personal goals into a shoe box and spends her life serving everyone else’s dream. So, I had the genius idea of playing superwoman: work a fulltime job, run a home, take care of my family, be active in my community, and build a brand with multiple streams of income. In the three years since my daughter was born, I have been working as a freelancer, retailer, publisher, event host, coach – and these are all separate from my full-time job.

In a short space of time, it became a big mess!

Exhaustion, missed appointments, depression, forgetting to pack my child’s school lunch, moodswings, abandoning my self-care routine – it wasn’t pretty. After a while, I had to admit that a lot of the ideals I brought into motherhood were ridiculous!

It’s true that more women are taking on the role of provider or co-provider in the family, and many of us are also building our own brands. However, we are still programmed to nurture our little ones. Even when I try to squash it and recruit all the extra help, there is something about being around to teach my child life lessons and sharing in her personal growth that I crave.

I don’t want to miss any of it.

I know that I am one of my daughter’s first role models, and I don’t want her to see me living below my potential nor dying under tons of regret. I knew there had to be a way to live out my dreams while still being fully present when with my family. Little by little I’ve learned some lessons from other women who have been in this struggle much longer than me.

1. Mommy’s Joy is the Family Thermostat

If I don’t go after the things that give me a sense of purpose and fulfillment, I won’t have the energy nor the joy to pour into those I love. I won’t be able to find the extra push to get through hectic and challenging times. Basically, when mama’s happy, everyone is happy. So, if I want the joy to flow in my home, it has to be bubbling up in me. So, if running a business allows me to be a more vibrant me, then leave it be.

2. The Early Childhood Years are Premium

These first few years, when my 3-year-old is figuring out the world, are prime for her whole development. If I want to have a role in shaping her worldview and her core character, I need to be in it with her now. If I don’t give her my attention now, then she won’t be interested later on. It’s ok for me to delay building my whole empire until she’s a bit older.

3. Schedule the Hustle

I only learned this one recently, and I’m still working it out. But, whether my top priority is to be a successful infopreneur or to get a homeschool routine on lock, I have to make and live by a schedule. Just like other resources, my time is limited, and I must spend it wisely.

After trial and error, I now understand that once I designate ‘family time, ’ I have to lock off everything else. It builds personal discipline (which is great for entrepreneurship), but more than that prioritising my family play time allows me the chance to optimise the quality of interactions I have with my husband and daughter. Scheduling makes me prioritise quality over quantity both at home and work, leading to better outcomes with both.

Mommy is just one role I play.

For as long as I’m alive, the feelings of inadequacy will probably pop up from time to time. I’ve learned often times that’s my conscience telling me to pay attention to the choices I’m making. When I struggle with impatience or suffer because of mismanaged time, I must remember that my parenting mistakes don’t define me because “Mommy” is just one role I play. Being a mother is not the totality of who I am. The relationship between my daughter and I, while supreme, is only one of the relationships I have. So, while I refocus my attention and work at being a better mother, I have also chosen to quit the self-blame. Additionally, I’m refusing to submit to other people’s expectations. No more playing superwoman, and no more mediocrity. I’m striving to be 100% Mommy & 100% Entrepreneur – just not all happening at the same time.

Запись I Had to Fail as a Mommy to Succeed as a Momtrepreneur: Getting Over Guilt to Get Things Done впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Now over a year into my total life change, I’m still shocked when I look back. Did I really turn down two jobs to stay home with my kids?

I did not go to college and graduate school to stay at home.

The reality is after my family relocated for my husband’s career, the offers I received had significant drawbacks. With one job I would have had to commute 47 miles each way. I’d have to leave before child care opened, and I’d get home after it closed. My husband’s work requirements wouldn’t allow him to do pick ups. We have no family here, so we’d have to hire someone to pick up our child.

I worried what about being so far away during the day while my children were so small. An hour away if traffic agreed is more distance than I felt comfortable putting between me and my children. On top of that, my 16-year-old car would not sustain such a commute, so we’d have to buy a new car immediately, taking on debt and much higher insurance and registration payments.

The other job was in town, but the salary was back to where I started a decade ago. Considering the cost of two children in full time child care, I would technically earn enough to pay for the child care and still have some from my check, but the value wasn’t there.

The quality of child care wasn’t worth it.

The child care options swayed me. Ideally, I’d like a program where the staff all had at least a Child Development Associate credential. I’d like low staff-to-student ratios of no more than 1:4 for babies and 1:8 for 4 year olds. Numbers higher than this reduce the level of attention even the best teachers can offer. The staff should be well paid and funded so they can provide a play-based program that supports children in all areas of development. Also, diversity of the staff and children and a secular background were important to me.

The preschool option I liked the most was only a 9-month, partial day program, still leaving me the afternoons and summer to fill. The cost was staggering, but quality comes at a price, a price these jobs just didn’t leave me the ability to budget.

The emotional cost is hard to measure.

While there were many aspects that I appreciated about my son’s previous child care, I hated leaving a little baby for 50 hours a week. With my husband in school, that’s exactly what I did. Bills had to be paid. Sacrifices had to be made.

I’m proud I supported my family then, but I’d like my little babies to be with me or at least a relative. Adding on a long commute, I just can’t see doing it again. I’ve had to look at what I am gaining and losing if I accept these jobs versus if I stay at home.

How we’re making my being home work.

Right now, what’s working for us is scheduling several enriching free and low cost activities during the week. We go to story time at some libraries and at our local children’s museum. My four year old also takes a tap, ballet, creative movement class once a week. Plus, we have play dates.

My husband has taken on a part-time remote evaluation job he does from home in addition to his day job. I write, edit, and transcribe during naps and when the children go to bed. I’m still figuring out my schedule, and I don’t earn anywhere close to what I earned before; however, I’m hopeful working from home will only become more profitable as I expand my client base.

I’ve learned that making as much money as possible isn’t how I want to live my life. My happiness is defined by activities that enrich my soul. Nothing does that better than spending time with my family and friends.

Frugality pays in its own ways.

We bought a modest home close to my husband’s work. This cut our living expenses significantly. We keep driving our 16- and 18-year-old cars that are paid off and inexpensive to insure. I visit 2 to 4 grocery stores in a week to stock up on the best prices. We buy things in bulk such as a quarter of beef which gets us a great price. I cook almost everything from scratch. These things and more save us hundreds of dollars each month.

When added to the cost we’re not spending on child care, the comparison between my working outside of the home and my staying home makes staying home the clear winner. Studies show we’re not the only ones making this choice as child care now costs more than rent in many places.

With my employment and child care options as they stand, I’m happy with this arrangement. I love what my kids are doing during the day. Many days I am exhausted, but honestly this is the happiest I’ve been. Keeping a tight budget is a job in itself, and I’m proud of how I’m managing our home. It may not have been the original plan, but I’m hopeful to continue in this direction.

Запись I Turned Down Two Jobs to Stay at Home Because Child Care Costs Too Much впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

There comes a time in every mother’s life when she feels like she’s the sh*t. Maybe it’s the first time you lay the baby down for a nap and triumphantly tip toe from the room. Or perhaps it’s preparing more than one kid for travel and arriving on time. These moments come and go. But at some point we feel as if we can do this motherhood thing without totally freaking out. We need that feeling, because the struggle is all too real far too often.

I hold on to the times when I feel capable in motherhood because my Mommy Achilles heel cramps my style more often than I’d like to admit. I am almost ashamed to say my biggest struggle as a mom has nothing to do with my child. It’s actually about me.

My greatest struggle as a mother is the resentment of losing my freedom.

After relocating to the DC area recently, I’m trying to grow my tribe of people here. I have a few friends in the area who are either unmarried or childless. Sometimes they invite me places at the spur of the moment. I love being invited places! However, because I am heavily pregnant, new to the city, and must wrangle childcare to go out at night, I’m seldom able to go. I am afraid that at some point, they will realize how inflexible my schedule is and stop inviting me at all.

Underlying that fear is a tiny kernel of resentment. At who? At what? I cannot say. But I am new enough to parenthood to freshly remember a time when I was able to carpe diem (and the night, too). I sometimes miss the spontaneity of childlessness. I miss the magic of knowing I could let life happen by being open to circumstance. So many wonderful things and people have come to me from the indulgence of well timed whim.

But parenthood is very much about controlling the environments in which you bring your child. We are to be paragons of stability, in whatever form that takes for our lifestyle. As such, spontaneity becomes the purview of children: the unexpected smiles they bring you, unforeseen meltdowns and blowouts, wearying deviations from a set schedule. You are the adult now, I tell myself. So I act like one.

These days, without advance notice, I am unlikely to “hop over” anywhere. Sippy cups and baby dolls must be packed. Snacks have to be stuffed in the purse for the inevitable, “Mommy, I want something to eat, please.” Anything less than thorough preparation could spell stress for both me and the little one. I also take a small measure of pride in my newfound “ready for anything” status as a mother. Ironically, it is in losing my spontaneity that I have found my capability in motherhood.

But if I consider being “whimsical and spontaneous” a part of my personality that I can no longer exercise, am I less “me” as a mom? I battle myself, “You don’t have the right to complain. You chose this path.” That I did.

However, I also believe that motherhood is wrestling. The state of motherhood is centered on the child in the womb; but the raw, sloughing work of *mothering* is an evolving effort made over time. Children are born. But mothers must make and remake and remake themselves. The shifting of women into mothers rarely happens without constant internal dialogue about who we are to ourselves once we become “mommy” to others. It’s a fallacy to believe that mothers of (young) children should slide seamlessly into the role when we have lived with our bodies and minds longer than we have lived with our children.

And so I have come to understand this struggle is not something I should bear with shame. Motherhood, even when it is chosen and cherished, is a grappling for balance. I see-saw between raising my children to be whole people and maintaining my own wholeness. One cannot happen without the other. I strive to redefine what it means to be free, to be myself, and mother my babies.

Запись My Greatest Struggle as a New Mother is Resenting the Loss of My Freedom впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

www.encouragegrowingfamilies.com

I wish I could paint this fairytale picture that where I am now in my life is what I’ve always wanted, but that’s the furthest from the truth.

With a Bachelor of Science in International Business, I thought I was going places. It didn’t matter that I didn’t land my dream job fresh out of college. I was willing to work my way up.

My dream was to travel the world.

Whether it was running my own business or working for some major corporation, I did not care as long as I could utilize my degree and travel.

Working for a travel agency was as close to my dream as I would get. At the time I was content because my traveling expenses were discounted or free. However, that lifestyle left no time for a husband or children.

My dreams became just dreams.

Fast forward a few years, I met my husband then one baby after another. Whatever dreams I thought I had were all just that, dreams. Instead of no time for a husband or babies, it was the opposite, no time for pursuing my dreams of traveling and progressing up the corporate ladder.

My mother would always say, a woman always sacrifices her dreams and goals once she has children. This was hard to accept and process internally. I started to question then what was my purpose. And with having to pay off my school loans, I asked why I allowed myself to waste four years of school if I’m not utilizing the degree I earned?

I just could not comprehend this transition in my life.

No matter how much I tried to do things my way, having children changed my life dramatically. It changed the way I thought, the way I dressed, and how I spent my time. This was not just me sacrificing dreams and goals. This was me sacrificing SELF for my husband and children.

After our fourth child, it came a point where I had to make a decision.

I didn’t want the most important people in my life to be neglected or suffer all because I wanted to be a success.

As my family grew, my faith grew. And as my faith grew, my views of what it meant to sacrifice self for children changed.

But how has all the sacrificing of SELF become a blessing?

It was either stop having children or stop pursuing my goals. Even after our fourth, I still had a desire for more children. I learned that children are an inheritance, not simply a byproduct of a couple’s intimacy.

Children teach you things that nothing else in the world can teach you.

Children taught me my strengths and weaknesses. There is nothing wrong with having dreams, but it is more of a blessing to share those dreams with others and fulfill them together. I’ve discovered the difference between my wants and necessities and what is temporal and what is eternal. All the accomplishments I would have gained on my own pre-family life would have made me happy but not joyful. There is a huge difference.

Sacrificing SELF for my children has taught me that my children are my success story. And I look forward to seeing every chapter of the story as I continue learn, love, teach and grow with them.

Have you made sacrifices to your dreams? What were your dreams before you became a mother? What are they now?

Запись I Sacrificed My Professional Dreams to Become a Mother 7 Times Over впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Carrie Mae Weems : The Kitchen Table Series, 1990

From seeking advice about teething and feeding,  to getting help with the laundry and babysitting,  family members and friends make up the village most women depend on to help them bring up their child(ren). But, the reality for some of us is that we have made our homes in foreign countries or other locations that make it hard to see our loved ones regularly. Some of us are in this situation because we wanted to raise our children in a different environment than we grew up in,  others moved for academic pursuits; some of us relocated to the place where our partner grew up,  and still, others left home because of our jobs. We all know that it takes a village to raise a child, but when a mother lives far away from her ‘village’, how does she survive without the family and friends that most parents naturally rely on? What does a mother do when she’s living in ‘isolation’ – cut off from her basic support system and caring for her child(ren) in a far away land?

1. Accept Your Reality

It is important that you understand that you won’t benefit from constantly mourning the support system you left behind. When you move away from ‘home’, the first thing you will need to do, is to accept that you are ‘on your own’ and realise that it’s okay. The world will not come to an end! Every village was started with the building of the first family; so, this is your chance to create your own village and build a new community – on your terms and in your own time.

2. Allow Yourself to Make Mistakes

As you create your own family and build a new village, you need to understand that you will make many mistakes. All pioneers do. In the process, you might get burned and you may break a few things – that’s why we call pioneers ‘trail-blazers’ and ‘ground-breakers’. So, once you realise you have failed at something, don’t beat yourself up. Just try again. When you feel like you’re incompetent,  just remind yourself that some lessons are best learned first-hand.

3. Ask For & Accept Help

The truth is, when you’re in a new or unfamiliar environment, it can be difficult to get the simplest of things done. Having a big ego or a fear of rejection will just make a rough journey even rougher. The best thing you can do – for yourself and your child(ren) – is to be willing to ask for help. You’ll come to see that people are more inclined to go out of their way to assist a child,  so even when you feel uncomfortable or don’t want to be a ‘bother’, please ask for help. Just because you’re an ‘outsider’ you just may meet ‘neighbours’ who want to adopt your family – helping you during emergencies, bringing gifts (baby gear, toys and treats),  and helping you figure out complicated procedures. These people who offer to help you out may become the first members of your new village.

4. Seek Out Others

Then there are those times,  when we think that we’re the only ones who are alone or out-of-place. But, more often than not, there is someone else who needs a Mommy friend, just like you. But, you will never meet each other,  if you stay locked away in your homes. You can meet other Mommies online (in location-specific groups/networks) or bump into them at your pediatrician; so,  don’t be afraid to start a friendly chat. Plus, if your child is in school,  goes to daycare or is in a playgroup,  this is a great context to build your Mommy network. You can invite another Mommy to join you for lunch or to share snacks while the kids romp in the playground or yard. You may be amazed at how easily you could arrange for the other families to meet up for a cook out or to relax at a park together. Soon you could have your own Mommy group or circle of friends.

5. Set Up Routines & Systems

But don’t assume that the key to having a well-run home and a happy family is the amount of friends and relatives you have coming around. Like any other organisation or institution in society, your home and family’s needs have to be managed efficiently and effectively. So, you will need to develop some routines and implement some systems to make your days productive and positive. Strategies that are as simple as scheduling bath times,  designating grocery days,  setting alarms,  posting reminders and maintaining ‘to-do’ lists will definitely make your life less stressful. You will have to assess your situation and develop a game plan that works for you and your family. Whether you want to use money envelops to stay within your budget or you want to cook your meals in batches,  a habit of planning, preparing and following through makes sure you don’t get overwhelmed.

6. Stay In Touch With Your Village

Then if and when you do have a bad day, a quick chat with your mother or a friend from back home may be just what you need to de-stress and feel encouraged that you’re doing a good job. Whenever the feelings of homesickness start to wrap you into a sorry mood, connecting with your loved ones is the perfect way to forget that home is 10, 000 miles away. That’s why it is so good that we have cell phones that allow us to make and receive those heart-warming calls; and video-calling services that allow us to enjoy real-time face-to-face conversations with our loved ones whenever we need to. Since we have these means of staying in touch with family and friends around the world, you’ll have no excuse for anyone missing out on important moments or losing touch because you’re far away. For example, when our daughter became a one-year-old, Skype allowed our family in Jamaica to join in on her birthday party; being able to chat with her and watch her open and play with the gifts they had bought for her. These geographical distances can seem non-existent through the wonderful world of telecommunications so, we should try to keep our loved ones involved in our everyday lives.

7. Keep Track of Your Blessings

I know that even with smartphones and webcams, it’s still very easy to allow homesickness and loneliness to blind us to the things that are going well in our lives. So,  I won’t fail to remind you that the benefits of having an attitude of gratitude are many and invaluable. All you have to do is to take a moment to search each day to identify a few things that you appreciate. The more you practice being grateful,  the fewer moments you’ll find to complain and the more reasons you find to be happy wherever you are. So, whenever you begin to miss all the conveniences you’d grown accustomed to having back home or you start misunderstanding the way things work in your new home, it helps to make a list of all the things that you do like, and to remind yourself of the things you still have to enjoy.

8. Know When To Retreat

One of the most overwhelming challenges that you may face while living far from your people is lack of assistance: no doting grandparents to help with dirty diapers and giving baths, no eager friends lining up to babysit or to do the grocery shopping. The days will be many when you just want to eat a proper meal undisturbed,  when you daydream of using the toilet without a curious toddler hanging around or just take a leisurely soak in the bathtub. That’s why on some days you will need to drop everything and remind yourself that you are human! It may mean you ignore the clutter and leave the dishes piled up. Or that you leave the little one(s) with your partner and head off to a quiet spot. Sometimes, all it takes is a long soak that leaves you smelling like a rose garden or a full-on dance session with your favourite beats turned up loud. Whatever you do, it is very important that you regularly step away from the hectic and demanding world of being a Mommy to off-load, exhale and rejuvenate.

9. Kickstart Your Dreams

The next thing that you will find is that as you regularly make time for renewal, you will begin to get inspiration for living out your own dreams. Do you remember those children’s stories that talk about young adults who leave their friends and family then travel to distant lands to ‘find their fortune’? I think this imagery is symbolic of the freedom we have to explore our interests and potentials when we step outside of our comfort zones. So, this time when you’re in ‘isolation’ is a great time to start testing out your ambitions and working on meeting some personal goals. By taking on a project, a part-time job or even a new hobby that you can put some of your creative energies into,  you begin to feel a sense of accomplishment and purpose (that is separate from your role as home and family manager). Going after your dreams is a great way to define your identity as a woman,  distinct from your role as a mother, as well as a great way to become involved in your new community.

It is no secret that the journey of motherhood has many hurdles and that our daily routine can be even more demanding and strenuous than a 40-hour work week. But, when you are a mommy away from your village, it can get a little more fatiguing than usual. That’s why we need to build up a strong and reliable support system, made up of our loved ones (from a distance) and our new friends in your home away from home. Getting sufficient support is key to our success and sanity as Mommies. So, don’t stay in isolation. You don’t have to do it all on your own. We all need a little help, so don’t be afraid to ASK!

Запись 9 Ways I Survive as a Black Woman Mothering Without a Village впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

By Dara Mathis

Before I became a mother, I promised myself that I would never be the type of parent who let the television “babysit” my kid. How lazy! How neglectful! What a poor example of motherhood! And then real life happened.

Two years after giving birth, I’ve learned enough about parenting to realize I didn’t know what I was talking about. My former attitude about television and children was a direct result of my inexperience. I had never taken care of a small child for an extended period of time before my daughter came into my life.

Confession: I often let my child watch television when I need to get things done.

It didn’t start out that way. At first, I just wanted to introduce her to educational programs, watch her dance and sing. But then I noticed how Bean seemed less rambunctious while the television was on. The opening bars of “Party in My Tummy” from Yo Gabba Gabba immediately would snap her out of any irritable crying jag.

So I started to lean on TV a little more. The day-to-day minutiae of parenthood brings countless moments where you just want peace and quiet. Or, if you cannot have both at the same time, at least peace (because a quiet toddler is a mischievous one).

In this regard, television is magic. It has the ability to hold young children in one spot without the benefit of Velcro, nylon straps, duct tape or wrestling. It’s that bit of freedom–free hands, free legs, free personal space–that has me defaulting to TV when I need to wear a hat other than “mommy” for a few minutes.

We learn to multitask as mothers, but that doesn’t mean we always want to do so. When I cook dinner I let Bean watch a cartoon. Without any distractions, she will focus on the spices crowding the edge of the counter. She is now tall enough to grab anything not pushed back to the wall. So I remind myself to move knives. I make sure to turn the handles of pots and pans away from her curious little grasp. I understand that it is not so much impossible to cook with her underfoot as it is inconvenient.

And television is the epitome of a convenient tool. Sometimes when I come home from work, having picked Bean up from daycare, I desperately need to rest. I put up the baby gate in the doorway and turn on Curious George. Bean will sit next to me on the couch. As long as I can feel her little bum wiggling against my legs, I know it is safe to shut my eyes for a short while.

I use television the most when it is time to tame the kinky coils atop her little head. When she was an infant, I quickly discovered Bean had no patience for getting her hair done. It was enough at first to have a musical toy for her to bang on. Her interest eventually dissipated and she’d start wriggling out of my lap. Nowadays, I have to come much harder than Legos or Leap Frog. For an hour-long detangling and braiding session, I let Netflix play with abandon.

Normally, I ration the amount of television she watches, capping her at an hour. A pang of guilt will hit me and I’ll announce, halfway through a flat twist, “No more TV after this episode.” She has to learn to sit still at some point, right? But the TV is not just to give her patience; it’s for mine, too. After a good five minutes of pressing her into the chair, my indulgent tone gives way to a sharp bark. “Sit down!”

My husband observes me struggling to do her hair without the benefit of her favorite cartoon and remarks that I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. If TV helps, I should use it.

But the possibility of overuse worries me. When the first thing out of her mouth after we get home is, “Mommy, I [want] TV, ” I feel that I have failed to teach her the art of amusing herself without electronic aid. Because it’s not just the television: she also recognizes the iPad and the laptop as devices that bring her Peep and the Big Wide World.

I’ve come a long way from characterizing myself as allowing TV to “babysit” my child (as if motherhood is contingent on being present 100% of your waking moments). But I still want to discourage a dependence on television.

As is ever the case with parenthood, I struggle for balance. Some days I want to use the bathroom in peace without a toddler sticking to me like syrup. Some mornings, I need to be able to put on mascara and not worry that little hands are rubbing toothpaste into the cornrows I spent an hour braiding. Sometimes I want to write in daylight when my mind is not dulled by the fuzzy edges of fatigue. And if letting her watch a TV program or two gives me some much-needed space for self-care, I can live with that.

How do you other moms accomplish the daily tasks that active, small children make difficult?

Dara Mathis is a freelance writer, editor, and poet who lives in Georgia with her husband and daughter.  Her writing interrogates the politics of respectability for women, concepts of femininity, motherhood, and the intersection of race and gender. You can catch her tweeting reckless acts of punctuation on Twitter @dtafakari and at daratmathis.wordpress.com.

Запись Confession: I Let the TV ‘Babysit’ My Child впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

I never thought that after already being blessed with four children my body would carry twins. When I went for my first prenatal check up I was so surprised yet giddy when I got the news. I always entertained the thought of having twins, but never thought it would actually happen. But once I got off my excitement high, and acknowledged this blessing from God, the reality hit! I had so many questions, and encountered many things that I really just wasn’t prepared for.

People reaction’s are always nerve racking to me. Once we found out we were pregnant, I was ready to shoot down the negative comments that were certain to come my way. We have four now, and those four alone generate so many judgmental opinions. But once family, friends, and strangers learned two more were on the way…hmmmmm… Let’s just say I had to really go into some major praying. For the most part strangers were more encouraging than close relatives. My kids got a kick out of letting everyone know that “mommy has two babies inside of her!” I had to ask them why they kept telling everyone. Their response was, “because we love when their mouth opens wide and their eyes get real big.”

Morning sickness for the first three months — which was double the sickness I had from carrying one. House work and taking care of the kids have all been pushed on my husband. Headaches felt like my head was burning. There were times I could not get out of bed, or I’d have to stay in a room with no lights on. I had to eat literally every hour on the hour or who knows what would come out of my mouth. Now it’s every two hours. Oh and I spit all day everyday! If you live here in Portland you would see me either with a plastic cup in my hand, a bottle of water to keep the spit down or me going off to the side to spit in the street somewhere. It’s so embarrassing but what’s worse is trying to hold a conversation with someone with a mouth full of saliva because I have no where to spit. My husband and kids cannot stand it because while Im trying to talk to them they have to run and get my bucket and ask me to start all over again. For those that haven’t heard of this, it’s called Ptyalism. You can read more about it here.

My doctor appointments have been challenging because now that all four kids are home for the summer, my husband has to take off time from work or we have to ask someone to babysit. Being pregnant with twins is considered “high risk” and my past experience with stillbirth means I am being monitored even more during this pregnancy. I have to do more ultrasounds than I want to so the doctors can make sure the babies are growing and getting their proper nutrients. I really wanted to go with a midwife and experience a natural child birth, but many midwives here in Portland won’t touch a twin pregnancy, or I’m not comfortable with their level of experience.

Figuring out who will watch the kids when I go into labor has been major for me because I really don’t have the same support out here that I had back at home. And not everyone is game to watch four kids all at one time. One night/day to watch all four might not be a problem, but three days/nights in a row can be. Splitting them up is not an option for me, but God is a miracle worker and He has never let us down, so my husband and I will continue to pray and see what happens.

A larger vehicle was recently purchase due to our growing family. We had a 7 passenger van but with two more on the way, making a total of 8 of us, we had to upgrade to an 8 passenger truck. If we have any more babies we will have to get a mini school bus…YIKES!!!!

I’ve slowed me down a lot. My husband has taken most of those responsibilities off my hands and Lord knows I am so grateful. But for the most part I take it one day at a time and often have to explain to the kids they can be a big help to mommy by listening and being patient as I take longer than usual to do my normal activities and tasks. They actually are making this pregnancy go fast because they keep me so busy and distracted from it. But there are times when I get so out of breath that I can’t finish my sentences. ? But it’s will all be worth it once we meet and welcome our twins!

Kim is the author of  where she discovers what it means to be a woman of GOD, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and entrepreneur. You can follow her on Twitter @Reboryn.

Запись I’m Pregnant With Twins and Raising 4 Young Children — The Challenges and the Joys впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

As a single mother, your life tends to be centered on your kids. This can be a fulfilling life for some and for others like me, it can become pretty lonely. As a single mother of four children ranging from 5 to 12 years and one with special needs, there isn’t much time in my life for anything besides them and work. I am up by 5 am and get to bed, most days, around midnight. There is always something going on in my house and it can become quite overwhelming. It’s at these times I start thinking about how much easier it would be if I had a partner to share my life and dreams with. Someone who will hug me, wipe my tears, provide moral support and just make me feel like a woman – not just a mommy.

Exactly one year ago this month, I decided I was going to open myself up to the idea of dating again. For me personally, I knew I wasn’t going to have a casual fling or waste the little time I had dating someone I knew I would never settle down with. I couldn’t do that, after all I had four little people who looked up to me as their role model and I took that role very seriously. So I started writing down the qualities that I would like in a partner and when I reviewed my list, I had to laugh. I’d written down 33 qualities and 29 of them had to do with my children. I realized then that whoever I dated had to care about my kids and our future. I wasn’t looking for tall, dark or handsome (wouldn’t refuse it though if it came) but I wanted a mature, loving and responsible adult that would not only love me but also love my children. So after narrowing down the list to ten must haves, I went on my first date. This is how my chronicles began.

Andrew – 37 years old – Accountant – Divorced – 2 kids
This man had been hounding me for months for my phone number and I finally gave in. Since my kids would be visiting their dad for the weekend, we decided to go out for drinks Friday evening after work. Most people go to the cinema for their first date. I could never understand why though because there isn’t much interaction that you can have inside the cinema. It’s basically about the movie and all you find out about your date is whether you have the same taste in movies. I figure it would be easier to go somewhere we could talk and get to know each other better. Needless to say this was not the best date for me. All this man had to talk about was his ex-wife and all she had done to him. It was the most grueling two hours and I finally decided to end it by telling him I had to go home to my kids. That was our first and last date.

Simon – 46 years old – Teacher – Never married – No Kids
I met Simon while I was doing the green smoothie challenge with Didan Ashanti. He became interested in the challenge and we started talking. We eventually agreed to a date. So I had an hour to decide if this was a person I wanted to see any further. Simon was charming and he asked me about my kids. For me that was a plus, he was showing interest in my life. So I told him about my kids and inquired if it was his personal choice not to have any. He explained that he always wanted a family but his ex-girlfriend of seventeen years didn’t so they never had any. It felt good to know he wanted kids — after all I came with four readymade ones. As luck would have it (yes I call it luck), my son’s school called me just then with an emergency. My special needs child had a little accident and they wanted me to come by. This is something I am used to and I explained to Simon that I had an emergency and would call him later. After dealing with my son, I tried calling Simon but got no response. Needless to say after calling him for two days without him answering or calling back, I got the message. He may be interested in kids but he wasn’t interested in the “work” that came with a special needs child. I saw him about a month later and he told me as much so I was happy that I found that out so quickly.

After the Simon fiasco, I started to wonder if I would be single forever because truthfully, this dating thing was draining. I went back into submerging myself into my family and took a break from the dating scene. But never fear, the chronicles will continue!

Yanique Quest is a 9-5 working mommy to three boys and one girl. She is a customer service supervisor at Jamaica’s largest stationary and office supplies provider by day and writer by night. She is a lover of all foods and would love to write her own cookbook one day.

Запись The Dating Chronicles of a Jamaican Single Mother впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

One of my favorite television shows is Scandal.  Although the popular drama is known for it’s high paced action, there are many lessons to be learned about parenting (mainly, what NOT to do, lol)

1. Never Put Down the Other Parent

Olivia’s father never shared with her the devious things her mother did, and he could have.  One Sunday during their family dinners when she was an adult he could have told her all about her mother in order to get her to draw closer to him and sympathize with why he sent her to boarding school.  There was one scene where he did let a little clue out, and said: “Its funny you think you are great because of your mother instead of in spite of her.”  But he kept it at that and didn’t go into details as to shame the mother for having a fake marriage and being a terrorist.  It wasn’t until Maya Pope, broke out of prison that Olivia found out who her mother really was.  At that time she was allowed to come to her own conclusion about her mother’s morals and character.

Whether we are married or single, we may have issues with our child’s other parent.  Do not allow any negative feelings about the other parent to overflow to your children.  Allow your children to come to their own conclusions about both of their parents without any negative influence from you.  Do not force them to take sides, even if you think you are right.  They will thank you for it later.

2. Don’t Let Your Children See You Fight

When Maya Pope joined Olivia and her father for dinner, they both drew knives on each other.  The look on Olivia’s face was devastating.  Every child wants their parents to get along, what does it do to someone to see their parents want to murder each other?

The average family may not be ready to pull out the knives on each other but sometimes our words can act as weapons.  When parents argue it is best to keep your children from seeing it.  Kim, wrote an excellent article about this topic back in March, check it out.

3. Style and Fashion

Sometimes in the business of motherhood, moms forget to keep up with their style.  I know for me, I shop so much more for my girls than I do for myself.  Looking at how Olivia has definitely inherited her stylish coats, and general sense of fashion from her mother makes me think twice.  I think it’s time for mama to go shopping.

4. These Three Words

Remember that scene when Olivia was a little girl and her mom said “I love you” as she was leaving?  Olivia replied, “I know.”  Liv always remains a little bit emotionally reserved, with family and friends.  Teach you children to say those three words, and embrace love.

5. Child’s Choice vs. Following

I remember when I first saw the scene when “Hell and High-water” aka Papa Pope told Olivia to get on that plane.

When she walked away, my immediate response was, Papa Pope ain’t that tough if Olivia walked away from him.  I thought, he lost.  However as we learned in the last few minutes of season 3, Papa Pope got exactly everything he wanted, including Olivia getting on the plane.  But, this time it was Olivia that was requesting the plane.  Now I am not saying that getting on the plane is the right thing for Olivia to do, we wont have a show without her running OPA (Olivia Pope and Associates).  Yet, what I did get from this story line is that, sometimes your children may walk away from you when you are trying to direct them.  That is  not necessarily a parenting fail.  Sometimes it is better to set things up in their lives so that they choose the right thing rather than blindly follow a parents directions.  Yes there are times where we want them to follow our directions, just because.  There are many times when because I said so is valid.  But for many of life’s circumstances, children have to choose to do right on their own.

6. Give Your Children the Best

In Jill Scott’s song, Petition, she mentions something that many parents feel, “ I want my child to be smarter than me.”  Papa Pope, although absent from Olivia’s life, made sure she went to the best schools, and had the best opportunities that he could provide for her.  Always have high expectations for your children and provide the best opportunities for them to thrive in.

7. Let Your Children Know to Have Great Goals And Keep it Real

We always want to let our children know that even the sky is not the limit.  Yet there are some harsh realities that we have to let them be aware of.  The “twice as good” speech Papa Pope gave to Olivia is all too familiar in the Black community.

8. Scheduled Consistency

In an attempt to get closer to his daughter, Papa Pope kept one day a week to connect with Olivia.  This was his way of trying to rekindle their relationship.  Sunday dinners helped Olivia form a relationship with her father.  Whether your are apart or close with your children, children benefit from routines.  Consistency is good, and it was something they could come back to even after they stopped for a while.

9. Laughter

Teach your children that their future isn’t just about a career, we must always enjoy life.  When Mama Pope was talking with Olivia about how she imagined Olivia’s life to be full of laughter, that set in for Liv.  Although Mama Pope spent many years in prison away from her daughter, her mother could see in just a few minutes that she was a very successful unhappy woman.

10. Choose Words Wisely

Mama Pope knew exactly what she was doing to Liv when she called her the “help.”  Her parents are master manipulators. Yet, what I take from this scene is, even when your children may think they hate you, or be utterly angry or mad at you, what you say to them can still have a profound impact.   Always choose your words wisely.  Even at the end of the episode Olivia is asking Cyrus, are we the help?  That comment sunk in very deep for Liv.

11. Be Involved in Your Children’s Lives

How awkward was the family dinner at Fitzgerald home?   When Fitz asked his daughter about the play she was in but called it the wrong name, his daughter gave him the coldest look.  His children were not feeling his fake attempt to know about their lives.  Children are not dumb.  Know what is going on in their lives and not on a superficial level.

12. Teach Your Children to Say NO to Strangers

I remember screaming NOOOOOOO at the screen when I saw Charlie and Quinn kidnapping that poor little boy in the episode titled  “Ride Sally Ride.”  Why was it that easy?  I kept thinking, why didn’t the kid run?  This made me think.  I need to make sure I instill very strongly in my children a protocol for what to do  in the event a stranger wants to pick them up from school.

Mommies, do you watch Scandal? Would you add any lessons to the list?  Are there any other shows that you watch and see parenting applications?  Please share

Angele is a wife to a wonderful creative husband, mother to two beautiful intelligent daughters and a lover of art, education and laughter.  She is the creator and author of ABC remix.

Запись 12 Parenting Lessons I Learned From Watching Scandal впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

My kid knows nothing tastes as good as mouthfuls of dirt! I don’t even try to stop him.

By Alicia Barnes,  liciabobesha.com

I’m grateful that I don’t have a weak constitution because motherhood has sure thrown some gross curveballs I didn’t expect.

Lochia

As if pregnancy and labor weren’t enough, they are followed by lochia, or as I call it, the super period. This several week period when blood, mucus, and uterine tissue from the pregnancy make their way out of the body for 4-6 weeks. Yes, a freaking month. I wasn’t a fan of having to use pads for weeks though I’m not thrilled about the alternative such as using Depends adult diapers though I’ve heard wonderful things. No one ever seems to talk about the lochia, but it’s coming.

Leaky boobs

Before all supply is settled, breasts leak. There’s nothing like soaking through a shirt or that sour milk smell of nursing pads that need changing. I’m pretty sure the mixture of sour milk smell and lochia were my least favorite part of the early postpartum days.

Bathtub bowel movements

Sometimes about the nice warm water just made my kid have to go. While I caught him making the face most of the time, I wasn’t always successful in getting him out of the water fast enough. Then we had to drain the tub, scrub the tub, sterilize any toys in the tub. It was a pain especially at the end of a long day. I know at least one mom who became so hardened to the bathtub poop, she just scooped it up with her hand and tossed it in the toilet and carried on. That’s motherhood.

Nonfood objects as snacks

I think toddler have such poor appetites because they’re busy getting full on nonfood objects. Mine has an affinity for dog food, dirt, and random stuff he finds floating in the gym pool. Though I can’t really complain because one of his friends picked up a dog turd and ate it like a candy bar.

Being a vomit receptacle

I’ve been really lucky that my kid hasn’t ever really thrown up except one time. He ate his food too quickly then came over to me and rested his head on my shoulder before emptying the contents all over my shirt. It was so much it soaked down through my bra. I was picking him up from school at the time, so I was about to have to drive home stinky, sticky, and wet. Luckily his teacher had a spare shirt for me to borrow. Kids like to cuddle when they don’t feel good and vomit often lands first on mommy.

Cleaning up poopy messes

I expected dirty diapers. I didn’t expect having to clean up tile grout and rugs from rogue poops and diarrhea. I consider myself lucky though. It’s easier to toss a rug in the wash than it is to clean a room where a toddler has been “fingerpainting” with poop. My poor coworker had triplets who all filled their diapers, took them off, and then painted the wall, their toys, and themselves while she was preparing lunch. She just started crying. I’ve heard so many moms who realized it was too quiet only to walk in to find their child’s chocolate art all over their wall.

I know this can’t be the worst of it, but it’s been pretty gross for me. I find I can stomach the nasty stuff my kid does better than hearing what his friends have been up to. I guess that’s love. Feel free to share your stories of being grossed out if you can handle typing them.

***

Alicia lives in a small college town that often challenges her resolve to live as simply and as stress-free as possible. When she’s not working, rereading the same children’s books, cooking, or wondering how crunchy she’s become, she’s busy updating her site,  liciabobesha.com. You can follow her on facebook.

Запись 6 of the GROSSEST Experiences of Motherhood впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.