As a child, I resented spending so much time with a nanny instead of my mother. She built and heads her own food service and manufacturing company, which has multiple operations in different cities. So, as a teenager, I swore I wouldn’t ‘outsource’ my childrearing when I started my own family, but that promise has been more of a challenge than I ever anticipated.

I grew up in the bosslady capital of the world. Almost 60% of the management roles in Jamaica are held by women. Having been raised by one of these momtrepreneurs, it isn’t a surprise that I want to build my own business and be financially-independent.

But what a ride it’s been.

I never wanted my child to hate me, but I also don’t want to become the woman who packs away all her personal goals into a shoe box and spends her life serving everyone else’s dream. So, I had the genius idea of playing superwoman: work a fulltime job, run a home, take care of my family, be active in my community, and build a brand with multiple streams of income. In the three years since my daughter was born, I have been working as a freelancer, retailer, publisher, event host, coach – and these are all separate from my full-time job.

In a short space of time, it became a big mess!

Exhaustion, missed appointments, depression, forgetting to pack my child’s school lunch, moodswings, abandoning my self-care routine – it wasn’t pretty. After a while, I had to admit that a lot of the ideals I brought into motherhood were ridiculous!

It’s true that more women are taking on the role of provider or co-provider in the family, and many of us are also building our own brands. However, we are still programmed to nurture our little ones. Even when I try to squash it and recruit all the extra help, there is something about being around to teach my child life lessons and sharing in her personal growth that I crave.

I don’t want to miss any of it.

I know that I am one of my daughter’s first role models, and I don’t want her to see me living below my potential nor dying under tons of regret. I knew there had to be a way to live out my dreams while still being fully present when with my family. Little by little I’ve learned some lessons from other women who have been in this struggle much longer than me.

1. Mommy’s Joy is the Family Thermostat

If I don’t go after the things that give me a sense of purpose and fulfillment, I won’t have the energy nor the joy to pour into those I love. I won’t be able to find the extra push to get through hectic and challenging times. Basically, when mama’s happy, everyone is happy. So, if I want the joy to flow in my home, it has to be bubbling up in me. So, if running a business allows me to be a more vibrant me, then leave it be.

2. The Early Childhood Years are Premium

These first few years, when my 3-year-old is figuring out the world, are prime for her whole development. If I want to have a role in shaping her worldview and her core character, I need to be in it with her now. If I don’t give her my attention now, then she won’t be interested later on. It’s ok for me to delay building my whole empire until she’s a bit older.

3. Schedule the Hustle

I only learned this one recently, and I’m still working it out. But, whether my top priority is to be a successful infopreneur or to get a homeschool routine on lock, I have to make and live by a schedule. Just like other resources, my time is limited, and I must spend it wisely.

After trial and error, I now understand that once I designate ‘family time, ’ I have to lock off everything else. It builds personal discipline (which is great for entrepreneurship), but more than that prioritising my family play time allows me the chance to optimise the quality of interactions I have with my husband and daughter. Scheduling makes me prioritise quality over quantity both at home and work, leading to better outcomes with both.

Mommy is just one role I play.

For as long as I’m alive, the feelings of inadequacy will probably pop up from time to time. I’ve learned often times that’s my conscience telling me to pay attention to the choices I’m making. When I struggle with impatience or suffer because of mismanaged time, I must remember that my parenting mistakes don’t define me because “Mommy” is just one role I play. Being a mother is not the totality of who I am. The relationship between my daughter and I, while supreme, is only one of the relationships I have. So, while I refocus my attention and work at being a better mother, I have also chosen to quit the self-blame. Additionally, I’m refusing to submit to other people’s expectations. No more playing superwoman, and no more mediocrity. I’m striving to be 100% Mommy & 100% Entrepreneur – just not all happening at the same time.

Запись I Had to Fail as a Mommy to Succeed as a Momtrepreneur: Getting Over Guilt to Get Things Done впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Far from the best times of my life, my mid-to-late twenties were an extended pity party. Professionally, emotionally, and physically, I was stuck in a place I didn’t want to be.

Hate is too light a word to describe how I felt there. It’s a perfectly fine place for some people to live, but for me, I was dying.

I felt bad for feeling so bad when I knew there were people in much worse situations around the world. So I heaped guilt on top of my sadness because I was safe, fed, and yet still miserable.

Many days of the 13 years I was there, I felt like life was a test I was failing, until I made some key changes that helped me survive.

As a direct result of all these, my life improved. I met new people and strengthened existing friendships. It was rough going, but eventually I found a much needed village that made a huge difference for the remainder of my time there.

We’ve been in our new city for over a year now, and every day I’m so grateful. I worried at times that we’d finally move, and I’d still be unhappy because the problem was me, not the place. People will tell you to bloom where you’re planted, but you can’t put a full sun plant in the shade expecting it to thrive.

There’s nothing wrong with not being happy where you are.

It’s not a shortcoming or a personal failure. What is a problem is to allow it to destroy you. Move where you can thrive when you can, and until that point, try some of what worked for me to get by.

Запись 10 Survival Tips For Mommies Who Hate Where They Live впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Do you ever feel like life just keeps ‘happening’ to you? Like each day you’re just waking up to find out what it’s going to be today. Of course, sometimes things go your way. But, for the most part you’re just floating through the days and waiting for a miracle to snap you up from the craziness that just happens to be your ‘normal’. I’ve felt that way and it is not a happy place! I kept trying different things and then I came across Hal Elrod and his “Miracle Morning Routine”. I started carving out an hour each day to get away from everyone and everything and soon I began to feel like my joy for living had been resurrected and I could be myself again.

Now, when I say ‘morning routine’, I’m not talking about things like making the bed, eating breakfast or getting dressed. I’m referring to the rituals you practice to nurture your body, mind and spirit before taking on the world each day. If you don’t already have one, a morning routine is an excellent practice for regaining your sanity, directing your life and savouring some ‘me’ time. The big deal about designing your morning is that it sets the tone for your day. If you can develop the right mindset, plan out your day and give your muscles a blast of energy, then you’re much more likely to have a great day!

Hal’s Miracle Morning is a customisable routine built on 6 habits (Silence, Affirmations, Visualisations, Exercise, Reading and Scribing) that can be completed in 1 hour, 30 minutes or 6 minutes – your time, you choose. He selected these 6 habits after studying the routines and habits of highly successful people and found these 6 to be universal. The cool thing is that you can choose to apply the practice your own way. For example, I usually do it this way:

1. 5 Minutes of Meditation
You could sit in silence or go into prayer as well.

2. 5 Minutes of Affirmations
Great time for scripture recitation or reviewing your personal commitments.

3. 5 Minutes of Visualisations
If you have a dreambook or vision board, you can review them.

4. 20 Minutes of Journaling
I keep a gratitude journal then go through my schedule and plan out my day.

5. 20 Minutes of Reading
Personal development or educational content, but motivational audios are great as well.

6. 20 Minutes of Exercise
Stretching/Walking/Yoga – Whatever works for you.

The key to making a morning routine work is preparing the night before. This means going to bed an hour earlier if you plan to get up an hour before the rest of the family. Simple things like setting out your work clothes, packing your bags and even setting up the kids’ school stuff will make a big difference to keeping things low-stress in the morning. But, more than anything else, you need to recruit the support of other family members. Let your partner know that you need some time to be left undisturbed and find a space where no one will distract you. But, even if you can’t get alone-time before the house wakes up, you can still make it work for you. Just schedule it after the rush, but at least before 8 am.

Within the first 2 weeks of building my own morning routine, I could see the benefits. I was better able to focus on my priorities, get more clarity on my core values and personal goals and be more purpose-driven as I went about my day. Just being able to get my mind right at the start of the day, made me accomplish more of the important things and when you’re more productive and feel less overwhelmed, your confidence gets a natural and well-deserved boost. For so many mothers, just being able to sit in solitude for even 15 minutes will be life-transforming by itself. So, if you want to put yourself in the driver’s seat of your life, you might just need to start a Mommy Morning Routine. All you have to do is prepare tonight and commit to starting your routine in the morning. Try different activities within the 6 habits and find the routine that helps you disconnect so that your life can feel sane, successful and satisfying.

Запись 6 Things Mommies Can Do Each Morning to Set a Productive Tone for the Day впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

After being ravaged by postpartum depression for most of 2015, my 2016 goal was to retain sanity — by any means necessary. Things had fallen apart soon after I gave birth to my daughter, with the pressures of work and new motherhood driving me to depression and sleep deprivation. To overcome this I was willing to manage a tighter schedule, hire more help, take more time off. But the hardest part of my recovery has been becoming an advocate for my own wants and my needs.

Women are conditioned to shoulder alot and think nothing of it. There are dozens of colloquialisms for women perceived as needy, complaining and dependent; ‘basic’, ‘bitch’, ‘shrew’, ‘nag’. And so we become accustomed to doing too much and saying too little. This Crunk Feminist Collective article entitled How to Not Die: Some Survival Tips for Black Women Who Are Asked to Do Too Much, sums it up perfectly;

“I believe the stress of weighty expectations and doing too much takes its toll on us.  It doesn’t happen all at once.  It happens over weeks and months and years of pushing our own needs and desires down until we can’t feel them anymore.  It happens, subtly, until it makes sense to do too much because that is just the way things are, the way things have always been.  That, too, is a problem.  It is a problem when caretaking (taking care) becomes something we do for other people and not ourselves.  It is up to us to survive and not just survive but thrive in our lives.  To not put work above living.  To not make ourselves our last resort.  To not wait until we are tired to rest.  To not wait until we are sick to make healthy choices.  To not wait until we have pleased everyone else to think about our own needs.  To not postpone our own happy.  To not just tolerate foolishness…

I worry that our foremothers were worked to death.  I worry that they didn’t see death coming because they were too busy taking care of other things.  I worry that they had too much to do and ran out of time.  I worry that they didn’t get to see themselves as celebrated and loved and worthy of celebration and love.  I worry that they worked too much, too hard, and for too little pay.  I worry that people saw them as strongblackwomen and forgot to see them as human.  I worry that our jobs, our families, our friends, and sometimes our supporters expect too much and we expect too little.”

Speaking up on my own behalf — day in and day out to my husband, family and friends — brought on a lot of anxiety. I soon became acutely aware of just how much I silence myself to make others comfortable. Squeezing my eyes tight and gritting my teeth I forced myself to vocalize my needs for rest, for quiet, for space and time.

‘Will everyone hate me? Will they get tired of me? Will they not want to be my friend?‘ These thoughts swirled in my head as I posted yet another Facebook status about how difficult my day had been, or told my parents, yet again, that I needed them to make the trip out to Chicago to help me with the kids.

And yes, I did lose some friends. Some thought I had become too big for my britches. Who was I, they wondered, to selfishly re-order my priorities around the provision of my physical and emotional needs? I was a wife and mother after all, and that was not wifely and motherly behavior. Others were uncomfortable with how candid I’d become about the ups and downs of my life, preferring my upbeat statuses about how well my various ventures were going or how beautiful my young family was.

But the people who mattered most stayed by my side. And I was surprised to find that my honest words unlocked a world of love and support I didn’t know existed.

My mother rallied around me, getting my father in line with the idea that bi-monthly trips to Chicago were a must, at least while their grandchildren were still very young. My husband acknowledged his need to shoulder domestic responsibility in a more meaningful way and approach it with the same fervor he would a 9 to 5. And my friends became meaningful sounding boards and partners in my self-care.

Perhaps my anxiety is rooted in fear that the real me — the sometimes annoying and hot-tempered and exhausting me — is impossible to love. So I stuffed it away, put on a veneer and tried to shoulder everything myself. But 2016 has been my year of understanding that, imperfect as I am, I deserve devoted love and a village to carry me. After all, part of sharing the load is being honest about how burdensome it really is.

Запись The Hardest Part of Recovering from Postpartum Depression Was Learning to Speak Up for My Own Needs впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

I’m a big believer in learning through play. Little children learn best when their imaginations and hearts are in the forefront. This is why I love dance class for my son.

From the time they can sit up, the tiniest babies love to move. Toddlers can hardly stand up before they’re bouncing and clapping whenever they hear a beat. Dance is such a natural form of expression.

When my son first started dance, I thought it’d be a good social opportunity, but now as we’re getting ready for our second recital, I see that dance is teaching my son to one day be a strong man.

He learns to listen to others.

Since my son isn’t in preschool, dance gives him an opportunity to listen to adults other than his family. Dance class is not a place for wild free-play. It shows that orderly quiet, respectful places can be fun even if it requires waiting for a turn to go across the floor.

He learns to face himself in the mirror.

Dance class takes place in a room of mirrors. Mirrors are vital to be able to see if what you think you’re doing actually matches what you’re doing. This literal self reflection teaches the priceless skill of self-evaluation. Learning to be proud of what you see is equally important.

Dance lets him escape the man box.

This year my son is the only little boy in his class, but that doesn’t worry me. I put him in dance to help him overcome the trappings of the “man box, ” the unwritten rules about what a man can and cannot do and still be respected. These gender conformity guidelines hurt both men and women as Tony Porter explains in a life-changing TED talk:

“Growing up as a boy, we were taught that men had to be tough, had to be strong, had to be courageous, dominating — no pain, no emotions, with the exception of anger — and definitely no fear; that men are in charge, which means women are not; that men lead, and you should just follow and do what we say; that men are superior; women are inferior; that men are strong; women are weak; that women are of less value, property of men, and objects, particularly sexual objects. I’ve later come to know that to be the collective socialization of men, better known as the “man box.” See this man box has in it all the ingredients of how we define what it means to be a man. […]

“I come to also look at this as this fear that we have as men, this fear that just has us paralyzed, holding us hostage to this man box. I can remember speaking to a 12-year-old boy, a football player, and I asked him, I said, “How would you feel if, in front of all the players, your coach told you you were playing like a girl?” Now I expected him to say something like, I’d be sad; I’d be mad; I’d be angry, or something like that. No, the boy said to me — the boy said to me, “It would destroy me.” And I said to myself, “God, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?””

Dance helps my son be secure in himself and his interests. It helps him value people regardless of their genders. Hopefully, he’ll see that he doesn’t have to live his life trapped in boxes. He can be both the little boy dirty from playing construction trucks in the mud and the one dancing as Beast in ballet slippers. His classmates can be little girls in pretty pink tutus but also strong, smart, funny, and his friends.

He sees that improvement take practice and commitment.

It’s adorable to look in on the class and see how terrible they are the first few times they’re taught something new. In dance, new is not a reason to be worried. It’s just another thing to work on. From day one, it starts with simple moves that become more and more complex, building toward a recital show in front of an audience. It’s amazing as a parent to watch that progress. I can only imagine how it feels as the dancer.

He’s learning to carry himself. 

Posture is important especially as our lives become more hunched over as we work and play on computers, tablets, and phones. I’m hopeful that good posture from ballet will stay with him and help prevent future neck and back pain. Plus, there’s a confidence that can’t be denied from someone who knows how to carry himself.

He was only three years old for his first recital, and we weren’t sure he’d have the confidence to walk out on stage, under those big lights, and perform, but he did. All four times.

I know some people raise an eyebrow because my son takes dance.

As a small child, he has the opportunities to explore and express himself without the baggage of societal expectations. For him to transcend any outside limitations that might try to stunt his success, he has to learn to be comfortable in his own skin. Dance is an amazing place to learn these lessons.

Dance class taps into that innate desire to express self, but it adds guidance and a platform for growth.He probably won’t study dance forever, but the skills he’s learning might one day be the difference that helps him make the cut of the team he wants to join or makes him standout at an important interview. Beyond the coordination and motor skills which are great, my son takes dance because it contributes to his whole self-development.

Запись How My Son’s Ballet Lessons Are Helping Him Develop Character впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Now over a year into my total life change, I’m still shocked when I look back. Did I really turn down two jobs to stay home with my kids?

I did not go to college and graduate school to stay at home.

The reality is after my family relocated for my husband’s career, the offers I received had significant drawbacks. With one job I would have had to commute 47 miles each way. I’d have to leave before child care opened, and I’d get home after it closed. My husband’s work requirements wouldn’t allow him to do pick ups. We have no family here, so we’d have to hire someone to pick up our child.

I worried what about being so far away during the day while my children were so small. An hour away if traffic agreed is more distance than I felt comfortable putting between me and my children. On top of that, my 16-year-old car would not sustain such a commute, so we’d have to buy a new car immediately, taking on debt and much higher insurance and registration payments.

The other job was in town, but the salary was back to where I started a decade ago. Considering the cost of two children in full time child care, I would technically earn enough to pay for the child care and still have some from my check, but the value wasn’t there.

The quality of child care wasn’t worth it.

The child care options swayed me. Ideally, I’d like a program where the staff all had at least a Child Development Associate credential. I’d like low staff-to-student ratios of no more than 1:4 for babies and 1:8 for 4 year olds. Numbers higher than this reduce the level of attention even the best teachers can offer. The staff should be well paid and funded so they can provide a play-based program that supports children in all areas of development. Also, diversity of the staff and children and a secular background were important to me.

The preschool option I liked the most was only a 9-month, partial day program, still leaving me the afternoons and summer to fill. The cost was staggering, but quality comes at a price, a price these jobs just didn’t leave me the ability to budget.

The emotional cost is hard to measure.

While there were many aspects that I appreciated about my son’s previous child care, I hated leaving a little baby for 50 hours a week. With my husband in school, that’s exactly what I did. Bills had to be paid. Sacrifices had to be made.

I’m proud I supported my family then, but I’d like my little babies to be with me or at least a relative. Adding on a long commute, I just can’t see doing it again. I’ve had to look at what I am gaining and losing if I accept these jobs versus if I stay at home.

How we’re making my being home work.

Right now, what’s working for us is scheduling several enriching free and low cost activities during the week. We go to story time at some libraries and at our local children’s museum. My four year old also takes a tap, ballet, creative movement class once a week. Plus, we have play dates.

My husband has taken on a part-time remote evaluation job he does from home in addition to his day job. I write, edit, and transcribe during naps and when the children go to bed. I’m still figuring out my schedule, and I don’t earn anywhere close to what I earned before; however, I’m hopeful working from home will only become more profitable as I expand my client base.

I’ve learned that making as much money as possible isn’t how I want to live my life. My happiness is defined by activities that enrich my soul. Nothing does that better than spending time with my family and friends.

Frugality pays in its own ways.

We bought a modest home close to my husband’s work. This cut our living expenses significantly. We keep driving our 16- and 18-year-old cars that are paid off and inexpensive to insure. I visit 2 to 4 grocery stores in a week to stock up on the best prices. We buy things in bulk such as a quarter of beef which gets us a great price. I cook almost everything from scratch. These things and more save us hundreds of dollars each month.

When added to the cost we’re not spending on child care, the comparison between my working outside of the home and my staying home makes staying home the clear winner. Studies show we’re not the only ones making this choice as child care now costs more than rent in many places.

With my employment and child care options as they stand, I’m happy with this arrangement. I love what my kids are doing during the day. Many days I am exhausted, but honestly this is the happiest I’ve been. Keeping a tight budget is a job in itself, and I’m proud of how I’m managing our home. It may not have been the original plan, but I’m hopeful to continue in this direction.

Запись I Turned Down Two Jobs to Stay at Home Because Child Care Costs Too Much впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

I had always been curious about camping. Something about a tent, a fire, and marshmallows sounded like a lot of fun, but when I brought it up, no one in my family wanted to sleep on the ground outside when we had perfectly good beds inside.

With a child’s eye, I began to notice that other black families seemed to share their sentiments. I was too young to understand the history behind some of it.  Much like why “black people don’t know how to swim, ” many black people don’t camp for historical reasons such as segregation and violence. Being isolated in the woods was not exactly a welcoming place for blacks not so long ago, and beyond that, camping takes resources such as transportation, time, and equipment that I know, for my parents’ childhoods, would have been a constraint even if Jim Crow hadn’t kept them at home.

That all said, though my parents still can’t swim, they made sure that I can, even if the water is still very frightening to them. Sometimes the best parenting decisions for me are the ones that push me out of my comfort zone, so last year we went camping.

It would be a lie to say I wasn’t a little uneasy. Not having a door to lock unnerved me in a way I hadn’t expected. I felt so exposed. Despite any fears I had, the most negative experience we had was simply being colder than we anticipated.

Life’s not always about climate controlled comfort.

I love how camping challenges the everyday conveniences such as a thermostat. While it’s easy to focus on what’s lacking in the woods, what it offers in return is substantial.

Of course the scenery is great. I used my camera more than I had in years. Plus, you can really see stars. I didn’t realize how bad light pollution was until I was in the middle of a desert looking up. It was like a new sky, one I had never seen.

We had the most amazing conversations.

Out of consistent cell range, the conversations were free of technological distractions. Since we traveled with friends, it offered the perfect time to reconnect.

I was especially impressed by the intense science and nature lessons my then three-year-old son had while we visited different landscapes. With each stop, he learned more than he ever could in a classroom. Coming up on a year later, he’s still talking about climbing boulders and hiking in the desert.

I loved watching my child in the wilderness.

His curiosity had never been so strong. Always a child with a question, he was absorbed with all the new sights, sounds, and smells. He loved all the opportunities to climb, touch, run, and jump.

Though we go to zoos and watch nature programs, coming up on a wild elk on a trail is very different than seeing one on display. It stirs a whole different part of the soul. I realized if I want my son to be inspired to study science, the best way to accomplish this is just to take him camping.

I wasn’t surprised when I saw that studies have shown that nature exposure increases observation and creativity, reduces stress levels, and helps children with ADD perform better at school. Similarly other studies show that children who have regular experiences outside show more advanced motor skills including balance, coordination, and agility.

My son wasn’t thinking in these research terms. He was just having fun. He can’t wait to sleep in the tent again.

He’s not the only one. The trip came at a pretty stressful time in our lives, yet being surrounded by all that beauty brought me an unexpected calm. I wasn’t surprised later to read that nature is good for mental health. It’s hard not to see the beauty and wonder in life when you’re standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon or looking up at Redwoods so tall they never seem to end.

Now that I’m a person who camps, I have another shared experience with millions of others.

I love that my kids will grow up relating to that experience. They will feel that part of the world belongs to them too. This will contribute to their success because they won’t be held back by stereotypes of what they do and don’t do just because of their race.

Запись Why I Reclaimed My Relationship with the Outdoors as a Black Woman and Went Camping впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

You see, the world that we’re raising children in today, is so different from the child-rearing days of our mothers and grandmothers. We have more to do and less time to do it in. We are constantly being told to move quickly, work faster, multitask, and do more than the next person if we want to keep up. So, of course, we are prone to skip breakfast or have it on-the-go. It’s no surprise that we serve up microwave meals on the days when we can’t eat out. Plus, the restaurants encourage us to buy from their drive-thru windows and with all the different take-out menus available, it seems like everyone eats on the run. We often have ‘working lunches’ and if we decide to step away from the desk to take our lunch break, we’re usually in a rush to get back. When we eat, it’s ‘cut and swallow’; because when you’re busy and famished, something has to take first place – it’s not usually the stuff on our plates.

As the pace of life gets faster, more of us become overweight, undernourished and start operating off frazzled brains. It’s gotten to the point where we’ve forgotten the value of long, leisurely mealtimes and become blinded to the impact of how we eat, when we eat, why we eat and what we eat. As busy moms, we are expected to balance work commitments, social appointments, commuting and childcare responsibilities, and most of us are internally crying “unfair” as we struggle to juggle it all. We’re hurdling ahead, because we plan to die fighting, but the frustration, exhaustion, and the absence of simple pleasures, is certain to bring us to our knees, in our own tears – sooner or later.

But this doesn’t have to be the end of our stories, as 21st century mommies. We have to get back to the basics and that means a resolve towards self-preservation and a solid self-care routine. Since we eat to live, why not start with intentional and attentive eating?

It’s not as complicated as you might imagine. These are 5 simple strategies we can all employ to rediscover the joy of eating, manage weight, reduce stress levels and improve our quality of life:

1. Slow Down

Stop and pay attention. Decide to be present as you eat. Take the time to chew your food (5-10 times for soft foods and 30-50 times for denser foods) until it’s all smooth before swallowing. Rest your hands in-between bites, by putting down the food or cutlery while you chew.

2. Select

Choose a time each day to stop the crazy world and unplug for some ‘you-time’: snack time, coffee break or main meals. Choose to eat real food, and increase the amount of homemade meals you enjoy.

3. Schedule 

Three times daily, we get the chance to disconnect mentally from all the hustle and bustle, to nurture our bodies and enjoy the bounty of the earth. Don’t miss out on it! Take a seat. No walking or driving while you inhale the food. Step away from the busyness and make mealtimes an important appointment with yourself.

4. Silence 

Put away the newspaper or work report. Turn off the TV. Pull those earplugs out of your ears. Lock your phone-screen and put the laptop to sleep. Give your mind some breathing room. Forget, for just these few minutes, the problems you need to fix and the conversations on your favourite social media networks. It’s time, instead, to listen to your body.

5. Savour

Tune into all your senses for your meals. Inhale the aroma. Admire the shapes and colours. Listen as the textures get smashed between your teeth. Intentionally identify the flavours that swirl around your tongue. Be aware of the thoughts, emotions and physical sensations that different dishes generate in you. Give thanks!

Mindful eating allows us to unplug from the overwhelming world we live in, to return with satisfied palates, nourished bodies and grateful souls. The practice can look different for each of us, and doesn’t require much more than a mental shift. Frequent opportunities to feed ourselves intentionally and attentively will always result in more contented and whole mothers. So, remember to pause and take a deep breath before your next bite.

Запись How to Practice Mindful Eating in the Midst of Stressful Living впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

There comes a time in every mother’s life when she feels like she’s the sh*t. Maybe it’s the first time you lay the baby down for a nap and triumphantly tip toe from the room. Or perhaps it’s preparing more than one kid for travel and arriving on time. These moments come and go. But at some point we feel as if we can do this motherhood thing without totally freaking out. We need that feeling, because the struggle is all too real far too often.

I hold on to the times when I feel capable in motherhood because my Mommy Achilles heel cramps my style more often than I’d like to admit. I am almost ashamed to say my biggest struggle as a mom has nothing to do with my child. It’s actually about me.

My greatest struggle as a mother is the resentment of losing my freedom.

After relocating to the DC area recently, I’m trying to grow my tribe of people here. I have a few friends in the area who are either unmarried or childless. Sometimes they invite me places at the spur of the moment. I love being invited places! However, because I am heavily pregnant, new to the city, and must wrangle childcare to go out at night, I’m seldom able to go. I am afraid that at some point, they will realize how inflexible my schedule is and stop inviting me at all.

Underlying that fear is a tiny kernel of resentment. At who? At what? I cannot say. But I am new enough to parenthood to freshly remember a time when I was able to carpe diem (and the night, too). I sometimes miss the spontaneity of childlessness. I miss the magic of knowing I could let life happen by being open to circumstance. So many wonderful things and people have come to me from the indulgence of well timed whim.

But parenthood is very much about controlling the environments in which you bring your child. We are to be paragons of stability, in whatever form that takes for our lifestyle. As such, spontaneity becomes the purview of children: the unexpected smiles they bring you, unforeseen meltdowns and blowouts, wearying deviations from a set schedule. You are the adult now, I tell myself. So I act like one.

These days, without advance notice, I am unlikely to “hop over” anywhere. Sippy cups and baby dolls must be packed. Snacks have to be stuffed in the purse for the inevitable, “Mommy, I want something to eat, please.” Anything less than thorough preparation could spell stress for both me and the little one. I also take a small measure of pride in my newfound “ready for anything” status as a mother. Ironically, it is in losing my spontaneity that I have found my capability in motherhood.

But if I consider being “whimsical and spontaneous” a part of my personality that I can no longer exercise, am I less “me” as a mom? I battle myself, “You don’t have the right to complain. You chose this path.” That I did.

However, I also believe that motherhood is wrestling. The state of motherhood is centered on the child in the womb; but the raw, sloughing work of *mothering* is an evolving effort made over time. Children are born. But mothers must make and remake and remake themselves. The shifting of women into mothers rarely happens without constant internal dialogue about who we are to ourselves once we become “mommy” to others. It’s a fallacy to believe that mothers of (young) children should slide seamlessly into the role when we have lived with our bodies and minds longer than we have lived with our children.

And so I have come to understand this struggle is not something I should bear with shame. Motherhood, even when it is chosen and cherished, is a grappling for balance. I see-saw between raising my children to be whole people and maintaining my own wholeness. One cannot happen without the other. I strive to redefine what it means to be free, to be myself, and mother my babies.

Запись My Greatest Struggle as a New Mother is Resenting the Loss of My Freedom впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Did I mention, ‘exhaustion’?
When you really think about it, these are some legitimate reasons for the romance to fizzle and the passionate moments to become more memories than reality.

But, is it possible that moms might be avoiding the very thing we need to be healthier and happier?

Vitamin S
10 years ago, Jamaican Dancehall artiste Baby Cham released a song called ‘Vitamin S‘. The lyrics describe some of the health benefits of regular lovemaking, but his punchline mostly focused on the mental health and emotional state of a sex-deprived woman: miserable and stressed out. Then he concludes that a stressed out woman needs a good dose of lovemaking!

Don’t be too quick to think he’s being petty or even disrespectful. If you agree that vibrant health rests on the four pillars of nutrition, physical activity, sleep and stress management, then you should understand how a regular supply of satisfying sex could end up on Cham’s prescription for a stressed out sister. Whether you want to take a hint from the glow on the faces of new lovers or dig through scientific journals, it is a fact that an active sex-life does much more than make babies. Regular sex keeps us healthy and happy.

The Sex Benefits
That nap-time quickie might be your best beauty secret, the early morning romp your flu vaccine and the ‘shower’ together your anti-depressant. Various health professionals and sex researchers have concluded that a regular supply of satisfying sex impacts our immune system, radiance, and mental health. If you took the time to do a little digging, you could find piles of evidence proving that frequent doses of Vitamin S is what a stressed out mommy needs to:

Low or No Pleasure?
Of course, if you’re usually turned off from sex because your partner is not obsessed with securing your satisfaction, then the sake of your health and sanity you will need to improve your communication skills, and say what’s on your mind. You will need to raise your self-worth, by acknowledging that you deserve to have your sexual needs catered to. Lovemaking is a great time to practice the phrase, “I’d like to have…” followed by all the things you thought about but never said. Just this one move of requesting what you want, creates room for more intimacy as your partner learns more about you, and builds your interest as both of you learn the ways to blow your mind.

Self-care
But if you still can’t think of any compelling motive to get between the sheets, then it’s time to work on Mommy’s self-care routine. Whether you have a few self-care practices that you already enjoy, or you’re trying to find a way to stop time and exhale, passionate lovemaking needs to be part of your self-care routine. Of course this means that sex stops being a chore or obligation, but something you pursue (and even initiate) as you intentionally work on the cultivation and maintenance of your total wellbeing.

You could start by checking off your bedroom romping as a bit of physical exercise and deep breathing – two great stress management activities. All the perspiring and heavy breathing helps your body expel the disease-causing toxins, so you can check this off as your detox technique. Then as you shut off all the mental noise and to tune in to the sensations and sync to the flow of your bodies, you allow your mind to breathe, to relax and to forget… the to-do lists, your best-friend’s problems and your bills. You blow away the brain-fog and flood your veins with oxytocin – nature’s love potion and happy hormone. All this makes for magic moments.

So, whenever you feel like the exhaustion is too real and like the work will never end, pause the world then grab your partner and get some Vitamin S.

Запись Why Satisfying Sex Should Be Part of a Mother’s Self-Care впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.