As a child, I resented spending so much time with a nanny instead of my mother. She built and heads her own food service and manufacturing company, which has multiple operations in different cities. So, as a teenager, I swore I wouldn’t ‘outsource’ my childrearing when I started my own family, but that promise has been more of a challenge than I ever anticipated.

I grew up in the bosslady capital of the world. Almost 60% of the management roles in Jamaica are held by women. Having been raised by one of these momtrepreneurs, it isn’t a surprise that I want to build my own business and be financially-independent.

But what a ride it’s been.

I never wanted my child to hate me, but I also don’t want to become the woman who packs away all her personal goals into a shoe box and spends her life serving everyone else’s dream. So, I had the genius idea of playing superwoman: work a fulltime job, run a home, take care of my family, be active in my community, and build a brand with multiple streams of income. In the three years since my daughter was born, I have been working as a freelancer, retailer, publisher, event host, coach – and these are all separate from my full-time job.

In a short space of time, it became a big mess!

Exhaustion, missed appointments, depression, forgetting to pack my child’s school lunch, moodswings, abandoning my self-care routine – it wasn’t pretty. After a while, I had to admit that a lot of the ideals I brought into motherhood were ridiculous!

It’s true that more women are taking on the role of provider or co-provider in the family, and many of us are also building our own brands. However, we are still programmed to nurture our little ones. Even when I try to squash it and recruit all the extra help, there is something about being around to teach my child life lessons and sharing in her personal growth that I crave.

I don’t want to miss any of it.

I know that I am one of my daughter’s first role models, and I don’t want her to see me living below my potential nor dying under tons of regret. I knew there had to be a way to live out my dreams while still being fully present when with my family. Little by little I’ve learned some lessons from other women who have been in this struggle much longer than me.

1. Mommy’s Joy is the Family Thermostat

If I don’t go after the things that give me a sense of purpose and fulfillment, I won’t have the energy nor the joy to pour into those I love. I won’t be able to find the extra push to get through hectic and challenging times. Basically, when mama’s happy, everyone is happy. So, if I want the joy to flow in my home, it has to be bubbling up in me. So, if running a business allows me to be a more vibrant me, then leave it be.

2. The Early Childhood Years are Premium

These first few years, when my 3-year-old is figuring out the world, are prime for her whole development. If I want to have a role in shaping her worldview and her core character, I need to be in it with her now. If I don’t give her my attention now, then she won’t be interested later on. It’s ok for me to delay building my whole empire until she’s a bit older.

3. Schedule the Hustle

I only learned this one recently, and I’m still working it out. But, whether my top priority is to be a successful infopreneur or to get a homeschool routine on lock, I have to make and live by a schedule. Just like other resources, my time is limited, and I must spend it wisely.

After trial and error, I now understand that once I designate ‘family time, ’ I have to lock off everything else. It builds personal discipline (which is great for entrepreneurship), but more than that prioritising my family play time allows me the chance to optimise the quality of interactions I have with my husband and daughter. Scheduling makes me prioritise quality over quantity both at home and work, leading to better outcomes with both.

Mommy is just one role I play.

For as long as I’m alive, the feelings of inadequacy will probably pop up from time to time. I’ve learned often times that’s my conscience telling me to pay attention to the choices I’m making. When I struggle with impatience or suffer because of mismanaged time, I must remember that my parenting mistakes don’t define me because “Mommy” is just one role I play. Being a mother is not the totality of who I am. The relationship between my daughter and I, while supreme, is only one of the relationships I have. So, while I refocus my attention and work at being a better mother, I have also chosen to quit the self-blame. Additionally, I’m refusing to submit to other people’s expectations. No more playing superwoman, and no more mediocrity. I’m striving to be 100% Mommy & 100% Entrepreneur – just not all happening at the same time.

Запись I Had to Fail as a Mommy to Succeed as a Momtrepreneur: Getting Over Guilt to Get Things Done впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Far from the best times of my life, my mid-to-late twenties were an extended pity party. Professionally, emotionally, and physically, I was stuck in a place I didn’t want to be.

Hate is too light a word to describe how I felt there. It’s a perfectly fine place for some people to live, but for me, I was dying.

I felt bad for feeling so bad when I knew there were people in much worse situations around the world. So I heaped guilt on top of my sadness because I was safe, fed, and yet still miserable.

Many days of the 13 years I was there, I felt like life was a test I was failing, until I made some key changes that helped me survive.

As a direct result of all these, my life improved. I met new people and strengthened existing friendships. It was rough going, but eventually I found a much needed village that made a huge difference for the remainder of my time there.

We’ve been in our new city for over a year now, and every day I’m so grateful. I worried at times that we’d finally move, and I’d still be unhappy because the problem was me, not the place. People will tell you to bloom where you’re planted, but you can’t put a full sun plant in the shade expecting it to thrive.

There’s nothing wrong with not being happy where you are.

It’s not a shortcoming or a personal failure. What is a problem is to allow it to destroy you. Move where you can thrive when you can, and until that point, try some of what worked for me to get by.

Запись 10 Survival Tips For Mommies Who Hate Where They Live впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Do you ever feel like life just keeps ‘happening’ to you? Like each day you’re just waking up to find out what it’s going to be today. Of course, sometimes things go your way. But, for the most part you’re just floating through the days and waiting for a miracle to snap you up from the craziness that just happens to be your ‘normal’. I’ve felt that way and it is not a happy place! I kept trying different things and then I came across Hal Elrod and his “Miracle Morning Routine”. I started carving out an hour each day to get away from everyone and everything and soon I began to feel like my joy for living had been resurrected and I could be myself again.

Now, when I say ‘morning routine’, I’m not talking about things like making the bed, eating breakfast or getting dressed. I’m referring to the rituals you practice to nurture your body, mind and spirit before taking on the world each day. If you don’t already have one, a morning routine is an excellent practice for regaining your sanity, directing your life and savouring some ‘me’ time. The big deal about designing your morning is that it sets the tone for your day. If you can develop the right mindset, plan out your day and give your muscles a blast of energy, then you’re much more likely to have a great day!

Hal’s Miracle Morning is a customisable routine built on 6 habits (Silence, Affirmations, Visualisations, Exercise, Reading and Scribing) that can be completed in 1 hour, 30 minutes or 6 minutes – your time, you choose. He selected these 6 habits after studying the routines and habits of highly successful people and found these 6 to be universal. The cool thing is that you can choose to apply the practice your own way. For example, I usually do it this way:

1. 5 Minutes of Meditation
You could sit in silence or go into prayer as well.

2. 5 Minutes of Affirmations
Great time for scripture recitation or reviewing your personal commitments.

3. 5 Minutes of Visualisations
If you have a dreambook or vision board, you can review them.

4. 20 Minutes of Journaling
I keep a gratitude journal then go through my schedule and plan out my day.

5. 20 Minutes of Reading
Personal development or educational content, but motivational audios are great as well.

6. 20 Minutes of Exercise
Stretching/Walking/Yoga – Whatever works for you.

The key to making a morning routine work is preparing the night before. This means going to bed an hour earlier if you plan to get up an hour before the rest of the family. Simple things like setting out your work clothes, packing your bags and even setting up the kids’ school stuff will make a big difference to keeping things low-stress in the morning. But, more than anything else, you need to recruit the support of other family members. Let your partner know that you need some time to be left undisturbed and find a space where no one will distract you. But, even if you can’t get alone-time before the house wakes up, you can still make it work for you. Just schedule it after the rush, but at least before 8 am.

Within the first 2 weeks of building my own morning routine, I could see the benefits. I was better able to focus on my priorities, get more clarity on my core values and personal goals and be more purpose-driven as I went about my day. Just being able to get my mind right at the start of the day, made me accomplish more of the important things and when you’re more productive and feel less overwhelmed, your confidence gets a natural and well-deserved boost. For so many mothers, just being able to sit in solitude for even 15 minutes will be life-transforming by itself. So, if you want to put yourself in the driver’s seat of your life, you might just need to start a Mommy Morning Routine. All you have to do is prepare tonight and commit to starting your routine in the morning. Try different activities within the 6 habits and find the routine that helps you disconnect so that your life can feel sane, successful and satisfying.

Запись 6 Things Mommies Can Do Each Morning to Set a Productive Tone for the Day впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

After being ravaged by postpartum depression for most of 2015, my 2016 goal was to retain sanity — by any means necessary. Things had fallen apart soon after I gave birth to my daughter, with the pressures of work and new motherhood driving me to depression and sleep deprivation. To overcome this I was willing to manage a tighter schedule, hire more help, take more time off. But the hardest part of my recovery has been becoming an advocate for my own wants and my needs.

Women are conditioned to shoulder alot and think nothing of it. There are dozens of colloquialisms for women perceived as needy, complaining and dependent; ‘basic’, ‘bitch’, ‘shrew’, ‘nag’. And so we become accustomed to doing too much and saying too little. This Crunk Feminist Collective article entitled How to Not Die: Some Survival Tips for Black Women Who Are Asked to Do Too Much, sums it up perfectly;

“I believe the stress of weighty expectations and doing too much takes its toll on us.  It doesn’t happen all at once.  It happens over weeks and months and years of pushing our own needs and desires down until we can’t feel them anymore.  It happens, subtly, until it makes sense to do too much because that is just the way things are, the way things have always been.  That, too, is a problem.  It is a problem when caretaking (taking care) becomes something we do for other people and not ourselves.  It is up to us to survive and not just survive but thrive in our lives.  To not put work above living.  To not make ourselves our last resort.  To not wait until we are tired to rest.  To not wait until we are sick to make healthy choices.  To not wait until we have pleased everyone else to think about our own needs.  To not postpone our own happy.  To not just tolerate foolishness…

I worry that our foremothers were worked to death.  I worry that they didn’t see death coming because they were too busy taking care of other things.  I worry that they had too much to do and ran out of time.  I worry that they didn’t get to see themselves as celebrated and loved and worthy of celebration and love.  I worry that they worked too much, too hard, and for too little pay.  I worry that people saw them as strongblackwomen and forgot to see them as human.  I worry that our jobs, our families, our friends, and sometimes our supporters expect too much and we expect too little.”

Speaking up on my own behalf — day in and day out to my husband, family and friends — brought on a lot of anxiety. I soon became acutely aware of just how much I silence myself to make others comfortable. Squeezing my eyes tight and gritting my teeth I forced myself to vocalize my needs for rest, for quiet, for space and time.

‘Will everyone hate me? Will they get tired of me? Will they not want to be my friend?‘ These thoughts swirled in my head as I posted yet another Facebook status about how difficult my day had been, or told my parents, yet again, that I needed them to make the trip out to Chicago to help me with the kids.

And yes, I did lose some friends. Some thought I had become too big for my britches. Who was I, they wondered, to selfishly re-order my priorities around the provision of my physical and emotional needs? I was a wife and mother after all, and that was not wifely and motherly behavior. Others were uncomfortable with how candid I’d become about the ups and downs of my life, preferring my upbeat statuses about how well my various ventures were going or how beautiful my young family was.

But the people who mattered most stayed by my side. And I was surprised to find that my honest words unlocked a world of love and support I didn’t know existed.

My mother rallied around me, getting my father in line with the idea that bi-monthly trips to Chicago were a must, at least while their grandchildren were still very young. My husband acknowledged his need to shoulder domestic responsibility in a more meaningful way and approach it with the same fervor he would a 9 to 5. And my friends became meaningful sounding boards and partners in my self-care.

Perhaps my anxiety is rooted in fear that the real me — the sometimes annoying and hot-tempered and exhausting me — is impossible to love. So I stuffed it away, put on a veneer and tried to shoulder everything myself. But 2016 has been my year of understanding that, imperfect as I am, I deserve devoted love and a village to carry me. After all, part of sharing the load is being honest about how burdensome it really is.

Запись The Hardest Part of Recovering from Postpartum Depression Was Learning to Speak Up for My Own Needs впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

When I told her this baby was my first, she warned, “Do your best to take care of your little girl because you might not have another one.” I was appalled.

The story goes, “Your clock starts ticking at age 30, gets super loud when you’re 35, then just falls apart by the time you hit the big 4-0.” As such, it didn’t take long for me to start getting anxious for my friends who were dreaming of raising their own little village, but still hadn’t gotten around to baby #1 as yet.

Whether they are busy working to pay off student loans, taking care of siblings, or simply still waiting to meet Mr. Right, some sisters are trying to get some financial stability before taking on parenthood. Others are battling infertility, miscarriages, and ‘anti-fertility’ health challenges like fibroids, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), all the while the clock keeps ticking, or does it?

Let’s take a look at the top 3 myths about pregnancy for women over 35 years old.

You Have Fewer Eggs

You’ve probably heard that every baby girl comes into the world loaded with her own ‘egg bank’ – her two ovaries stocked with 1-2 million egg cells. Then by the time she hits puberty, some of those eggs are released monthly through ovulation, while many others die their naturally programmed death like other cells in the body. This being the case, by the time the average woman is in her 30’s (and past her fertile peak), her reserve of eggs has been significantly depleted to about 12%.

Truth: The concern about a low egg reserve is relevant to women who have already been diagnosed with fertility problems and are considering using In-Vitro Fertilisation to conceive. That’s because the procedure needs multiple eggs to be extracted for fertilisation. This ‘low egg reserve’ argument is a non-issue for women who are trying to conceive naturally. The thing is, if you’re only left with 12% of your eggs at age 30, that works out to more than 100, 000 eggs. You only need ONE egg to make a baby.

You Have Lower Quality Eggs

While a woman’s womb can be kept fit and fabulous, her eggs don’t have the same kind of longevity and resilience. Some of her eggs will die naturally as time passes, and the remaining eggs just get old! This results in miscarriages and babies born with Down syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities.

Truth: It is true that ‘older eggs’ don’t perform as well. The chances of the chromosomes dividing improperly, and the body in turn rejecting the embryo are higher in mature mothers. However, this experience is not exclusive to women in their 30s, and miscarriages are more common than we think for fertile women of all ages. While chromosomal abnormalities are more likely with older women, most children born with Down syndrome are born to women under age 35.

You Will Have a High-Risk Pregnancy

An older body is less tolerant of the demands of pregnancy, and so it is standard procedure for medical professionals to inform mature expectant mothers of the risks they face like hypertension.

Truth: Pregnant women of all ages will be at risk for complications if they have existing health conditions like high blood pressure, diabetes, kidney disease and obesity. So, it is not just for older women. Yet, if a healthy woman has become pregnant for the first time after age 35, then she needs to realise her body may or may not ‘go with the flow.’ She is more likely to have a cesarean section delivery, prolonged labour, among other things. Unlike teens (who are also high-risk during pregnancy), a first time mom aged 35 or older, is more likely to be well-educated and have better finances. As such, she is more likely to make better preparations for pregnancy, gain access to higher quality healthcare and make better health-supporting lifestyle choices.

Myths will always abound, and statistics can be deeply flawed. For women 35 years and older, the key is to be strategic when trying to conceive by tracking their cycles and timing intercourse for when they ovulate. Then throughout pregnancy, they need to practice self-care to help the body manoeuvre the 9-month transformation including any negativity they face for being over 35.

Запись Have We Been Conditioned to Panic? 3 Myths About Pregnancy Over 35 Debunked впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

You see, the world that we’re raising children in today, is so different from the child-rearing days of our mothers and grandmothers. We have more to do and less time to do it in. We are constantly being told to move quickly, work faster, multitask, and do more than the next person if we want to keep up. So, of course, we are prone to skip breakfast or have it on-the-go. It’s no surprise that we serve up microwave meals on the days when we can’t eat out. Plus, the restaurants encourage us to buy from their drive-thru windows and with all the different take-out menus available, it seems like everyone eats on the run. We often have ‘working lunches’ and if we decide to step away from the desk to take our lunch break, we’re usually in a rush to get back. When we eat, it’s ‘cut and swallow’; because when you’re busy and famished, something has to take first place – it’s not usually the stuff on our plates.

As the pace of life gets faster, more of us become overweight, undernourished and start operating off frazzled brains. It’s gotten to the point where we’ve forgotten the value of long, leisurely mealtimes and become blinded to the impact of how we eat, when we eat, why we eat and what we eat. As busy moms, we are expected to balance work commitments, social appointments, commuting and childcare responsibilities, and most of us are internally crying “unfair” as we struggle to juggle it all. We’re hurdling ahead, because we plan to die fighting, but the frustration, exhaustion, and the absence of simple pleasures, is certain to bring us to our knees, in our own tears – sooner or later.

But this doesn’t have to be the end of our stories, as 21st century mommies. We have to get back to the basics and that means a resolve towards self-preservation and a solid self-care routine. Since we eat to live, why not start with intentional and attentive eating?

It’s not as complicated as you might imagine. These are 5 simple strategies we can all employ to rediscover the joy of eating, manage weight, reduce stress levels and improve our quality of life:

1. Slow Down

Stop and pay attention. Decide to be present as you eat. Take the time to chew your food (5-10 times for soft foods and 30-50 times for denser foods) until it’s all smooth before swallowing. Rest your hands in-between bites, by putting down the food or cutlery while you chew.

2. Select

Choose a time each day to stop the crazy world and unplug for some ‘you-time’: snack time, coffee break or main meals. Choose to eat real food, and increase the amount of homemade meals you enjoy.

3. Schedule 

Three times daily, we get the chance to disconnect mentally from all the hustle and bustle, to nurture our bodies and enjoy the bounty of the earth. Don’t miss out on it! Take a seat. No walking or driving while you inhale the food. Step away from the busyness and make mealtimes an important appointment with yourself.

4. Silence 

Put away the newspaper or work report. Turn off the TV. Pull those earplugs out of your ears. Lock your phone-screen and put the laptop to sleep. Give your mind some breathing room. Forget, for just these few minutes, the problems you need to fix and the conversations on your favourite social media networks. It’s time, instead, to listen to your body.

5. Savour

Tune into all your senses for your meals. Inhale the aroma. Admire the shapes and colours. Listen as the textures get smashed between your teeth. Intentionally identify the flavours that swirl around your tongue. Be aware of the thoughts, emotions and physical sensations that different dishes generate in you. Give thanks!

Mindful eating allows us to unplug from the overwhelming world we live in, to return with satisfied palates, nourished bodies and grateful souls. The practice can look different for each of us, and doesn’t require much more than a mental shift. Frequent opportunities to feed ourselves intentionally and attentively will always result in more contented and whole mothers. So, remember to pause and take a deep breath before your next bite.

Запись How to Practice Mindful Eating in the Midst of Stressful Living впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

There comes a time in every mother’s life when she feels like she’s the sh*t. Maybe it’s the first time you lay the baby down for a nap and triumphantly tip toe from the room. Or perhaps it’s preparing more than one kid for travel and arriving on time. These moments come and go. But at some point we feel as if we can do this motherhood thing without totally freaking out. We need that feeling, because the struggle is all too real far too often.

I hold on to the times when I feel capable in motherhood because my Mommy Achilles heel cramps my style more often than I’d like to admit. I am almost ashamed to say my biggest struggle as a mom has nothing to do with my child. It’s actually about me.

My greatest struggle as a mother is the resentment of losing my freedom.

After relocating to the DC area recently, I’m trying to grow my tribe of people here. I have a few friends in the area who are either unmarried or childless. Sometimes they invite me places at the spur of the moment. I love being invited places! However, because I am heavily pregnant, new to the city, and must wrangle childcare to go out at night, I’m seldom able to go. I am afraid that at some point, they will realize how inflexible my schedule is and stop inviting me at all.

Underlying that fear is a tiny kernel of resentment. At who? At what? I cannot say. But I am new enough to parenthood to freshly remember a time when I was able to carpe diem (and the night, too). I sometimes miss the spontaneity of childlessness. I miss the magic of knowing I could let life happen by being open to circumstance. So many wonderful things and people have come to me from the indulgence of well timed whim.

But parenthood is very much about controlling the environments in which you bring your child. We are to be paragons of stability, in whatever form that takes for our lifestyle. As such, spontaneity becomes the purview of children: the unexpected smiles they bring you, unforeseen meltdowns and blowouts, wearying deviations from a set schedule. You are the adult now, I tell myself. So I act like one.

These days, without advance notice, I am unlikely to “hop over” anywhere. Sippy cups and baby dolls must be packed. Snacks have to be stuffed in the purse for the inevitable, “Mommy, I want something to eat, please.” Anything less than thorough preparation could spell stress for both me and the little one. I also take a small measure of pride in my newfound “ready for anything” status as a mother. Ironically, it is in losing my spontaneity that I have found my capability in motherhood.

But if I consider being “whimsical and spontaneous” a part of my personality that I can no longer exercise, am I less “me” as a mom? I battle myself, “You don’t have the right to complain. You chose this path.” That I did.

However, I also believe that motherhood is wrestling. The state of motherhood is centered on the child in the womb; but the raw, sloughing work of *mothering* is an evolving effort made over time. Children are born. But mothers must make and remake and remake themselves. The shifting of women into mothers rarely happens without constant internal dialogue about who we are to ourselves once we become “mommy” to others. It’s a fallacy to believe that mothers of (young) children should slide seamlessly into the role when we have lived with our bodies and minds longer than we have lived with our children.

And so I have come to understand this struggle is not something I should bear with shame. Motherhood, even when it is chosen and cherished, is a grappling for balance. I see-saw between raising my children to be whole people and maintaining my own wholeness. One cannot happen without the other. I strive to redefine what it means to be free, to be myself, and mother my babies.

Запись My Greatest Struggle as a New Mother is Resenting the Loss of My Freedom впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Did I mention, ‘exhaustion’?
When you really think about it, these are some legitimate reasons for the romance to fizzle and the passionate moments to become more memories than reality.

But, is it possible that moms might be avoiding the very thing we need to be healthier and happier?

Vitamin S
10 years ago, Jamaican Dancehall artiste Baby Cham released a song called ‘Vitamin S‘. The lyrics describe some of the health benefits of regular lovemaking, but his punchline mostly focused on the mental health and emotional state of a sex-deprived woman: miserable and stressed out. Then he concludes that a stressed out woman needs a good dose of lovemaking!

Don’t be too quick to think he’s being petty or even disrespectful. If you agree that vibrant health rests on the four pillars of nutrition, physical activity, sleep and stress management, then you should understand how a regular supply of satisfying sex could end up on Cham’s prescription for a stressed out sister. Whether you want to take a hint from the glow on the faces of new lovers or dig through scientific journals, it is a fact that an active sex-life does much more than make babies. Regular sex keeps us healthy and happy.

The Sex Benefits
That nap-time quickie might be your best beauty secret, the early morning romp your flu vaccine and the ‘shower’ together your anti-depressant. Various health professionals and sex researchers have concluded that a regular supply of satisfying sex impacts our immune system, radiance, and mental health. If you took the time to do a little digging, you could find piles of evidence proving that frequent doses of Vitamin S is what a stressed out mommy needs to:

Low or No Pleasure?
Of course, if you’re usually turned off from sex because your partner is not obsessed with securing your satisfaction, then the sake of your health and sanity you will need to improve your communication skills, and say what’s on your mind. You will need to raise your self-worth, by acknowledging that you deserve to have your sexual needs catered to. Lovemaking is a great time to practice the phrase, “I’d like to have…” followed by all the things you thought about but never said. Just this one move of requesting what you want, creates room for more intimacy as your partner learns more about you, and builds your interest as both of you learn the ways to blow your mind.

Self-care
But if you still can’t think of any compelling motive to get between the sheets, then it’s time to work on Mommy’s self-care routine. Whether you have a few self-care practices that you already enjoy, or you’re trying to find a way to stop time and exhale, passionate lovemaking needs to be part of your self-care routine. Of course this means that sex stops being a chore or obligation, but something you pursue (and even initiate) as you intentionally work on the cultivation and maintenance of your total wellbeing.

You could start by checking off your bedroom romping as a bit of physical exercise and deep breathing – two great stress management activities. All the perspiring and heavy breathing helps your body expel the disease-causing toxins, so you can check this off as your detox technique. Then as you shut off all the mental noise and to tune in to the sensations and sync to the flow of your bodies, you allow your mind to breathe, to relax and to forget… the to-do lists, your best-friend’s problems and your bills. You blow away the brain-fog and flood your veins with oxytocin – nature’s love potion and happy hormone. All this makes for magic moments.

So, whenever you feel like the exhaustion is too real and like the work will never end, pause the world then grab your partner and get some Vitamin S.

Запись Why Satisfying Sex Should Be Part of a Mother’s Self-Care впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

I could feel it all crashing down on me — running two businesses, raising an energetic 2 year old, breastfeeding and co-sleeping with a 9 month old, supporting my husband’s new business, showing love to family and friends, and trying to lose my last 10 pounds of pregnancy weight. And I — my body, my health, my spirit — did not factor into any of my daily goals or objectives. The night it all came crashing down I walked out of my house, still in my night gown as my daughter screamed inside, got into my mini van and drove around the city for an hour while the words, “I can’t do this anymore” scrolled across my mind like a marquee and sometimes escaped my lips.

I’m a disciplined person. Type A. A doer. That’s how I’ve always been.

I have measured my value as a woman and a mother by what I achieve, what I build, and how quickly I do it. And this weight loss? I’d added it alongside a long list of directives that I felt — obsessively, oppressively — I NEEDED to achieve. Being raised by my strict Haitian father — a man who is the definition of bootstrapping, who had gone from being raised in a mud hut, to graduating with a doctorate from one of America’s most prestigious universities and having a storied career in academia — left a deep impression on me.

I associated progress with pain. Because that’s what I saw. I saw that my father’s journey was painful, was physically and mentally uncomfortable, required sacrifice. And I associated that pain with progress.

But I knew, deep down, that what I was doing felt life-ending.

Yes, life-ending. Because I was going against my flow. When my lids started to lower and my body signalled that it needed sleep, I went to the kitchen, poured another cup of tea, and kept working. When I spent time with my husband, on a rare night it was just the two of us, and began to feel amorous, I ignored my need for intimacy. And when my body begged for me to grant it mercy, a respite, a break, I continued forcing myself to the gym, eating half portions when my lactating body needed more, and self flagellating whenever I veered even slightly from my ‘weight loss’ path — a path that had nothing to do with health.

But that night, driving through the city, my body, my mind and my spirit all said, “Enough.”

Because it was clear that I didn’t need a weight loss challenge.

Not a weight loss challenge. Not a ‘make more money’ challenge. Not a ‘have a more successful business’ challenge. Not even a ‘be a better mommy’ challenge.

The challenge I needed, was a self-care challenge.

To challenge myself to believe that honoring my body and listening to its rhythms didn’t have to be incongruous with productivity and performance.
To challenge myself to divorce my long-held association of pain with progress.
To celebrate often how BOUNTIFUL my life is.
To adorn my body with clothing, to paint my face and my nails, to braid my hair.
To put my body in sync with my spirit.

And so I’m done trying to lose pregnancy weight. Because I believe that if I honor my body, everything will fall in place. The weight will come off in its own time. But more importantly, my obsessive NEED to lose weight will come into perspective.

Because why am I diminishing my body — my full, strong, healthy, beautiful body — to a number?

This self-care challenge is new for me. It feels foreign, but it feels good and it feels right. And that’s what matters.

Запись Why I Ditched a Post-Pregnancy Weight Loss Regimen for a Self-Care Challenge впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.