After being ravaged by postpartum depression for most of 2015, my 2016 goal was to retain sanity — by any means necessary. Things had fallen apart soon after I gave birth to my daughter, with the pressures of work and new motherhood driving me to depression and sleep deprivation. To overcome this I was willing to manage a tighter schedule, hire more help, take more time off. But the hardest part of my recovery has been becoming an advocate for my own wants and my needs.

Women are conditioned to shoulder alot and think nothing of it. There are dozens of colloquialisms for women perceived as needy, complaining and dependent; ‘basic’, ‘bitch’, ‘shrew’, ‘nag’. And so we become accustomed to doing too much and saying too little. This Crunk Feminist Collective article entitled How to Not Die: Some Survival Tips for Black Women Who Are Asked to Do Too Much, sums it up perfectly;

“I believe the stress of weighty expectations and doing too much takes its toll on us.  It doesn’t happen all at once.  It happens over weeks and months and years of pushing our own needs and desires down until we can’t feel them anymore.  It happens, subtly, until it makes sense to do too much because that is just the way things are, the way things have always been.  That, too, is a problem.  It is a problem when caretaking (taking care) becomes something we do for other people and not ourselves.  It is up to us to survive and not just survive but thrive in our lives.  To not put work above living.  To not make ourselves our last resort.  To not wait until we are tired to rest.  To not wait until we are sick to make healthy choices.  To not wait until we have pleased everyone else to think about our own needs.  To not postpone our own happy.  To not just tolerate foolishness…

I worry that our foremothers were worked to death.  I worry that they didn’t see death coming because they were too busy taking care of other things.  I worry that they had too much to do and ran out of time.  I worry that they didn’t get to see themselves as celebrated and loved and worthy of celebration and love.  I worry that they worked too much, too hard, and for too little pay.  I worry that people saw them as strongblackwomen and forgot to see them as human.  I worry that our jobs, our families, our friends, and sometimes our supporters expect too much and we expect too little.”

Speaking up on my own behalf — day in and day out to my husband, family and friends — brought on a lot of anxiety. I soon became acutely aware of just how much I silence myself to make others comfortable. Squeezing my eyes tight and gritting my teeth I forced myself to vocalize my needs for rest, for quiet, for space and time.

‘Will everyone hate me? Will they get tired of me? Will they not want to be my friend?‘ These thoughts swirled in my head as I posted yet another Facebook status about how difficult my day had been, or told my parents, yet again, that I needed them to make the trip out to Chicago to help me with the kids.

And yes, I did lose some friends. Some thought I had become too big for my britches. Who was I, they wondered, to selfishly re-order my priorities around the provision of my physical and emotional needs? I was a wife and mother after all, and that was not wifely and motherly behavior. Others were uncomfortable with how candid I’d become about the ups and downs of my life, preferring my upbeat statuses about how well my various ventures were going or how beautiful my young family was.

But the people who mattered most stayed by my side. And I was surprised to find that my honest words unlocked a world of love and support I didn’t know existed.

My mother rallied around me, getting my father in line with the idea that bi-monthly trips to Chicago were a must, at least while their grandchildren were still very young. My husband acknowledged his need to shoulder domestic responsibility in a more meaningful way and approach it with the same fervor he would a 9 to 5. And my friends became meaningful sounding boards and partners in my self-care.

Perhaps my anxiety is rooted in fear that the real me — the sometimes annoying and hot-tempered and exhausting me — is impossible to love. So I stuffed it away, put on a veneer and tried to shoulder everything myself. But 2016 has been my year of understanding that, imperfect as I am, I deserve devoted love and a village to carry me. After all, part of sharing the load is being honest about how burdensome it really is.

Запись The Hardest Part of Recovering from Postpartum Depression Was Learning to Speak Up for My Own Needs впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

When I told her this baby was my first, she warned, “Do your best to take care of your little girl because you might not have another one.” I was appalled.

The story goes, “Your clock starts ticking at age 30, gets super loud when you’re 35, then just falls apart by the time you hit the big 4-0.” As such, it didn’t take long for me to start getting anxious for my friends who were dreaming of raising their own little village, but still hadn’t gotten around to baby #1 as yet.

Whether they are busy working to pay off student loans, taking care of siblings, or simply still waiting to meet Mr. Right, some sisters are trying to get some financial stability before taking on parenthood. Others are battling infertility, miscarriages, and ‘anti-fertility’ health challenges like fibroids, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), all the while the clock keeps ticking, or does it?

Let’s take a look at the top 3 myths about pregnancy for women over 35 years old.

You Have Fewer Eggs

You’ve probably heard that every baby girl comes into the world loaded with her own ‘egg bank’ – her two ovaries stocked with 1-2 million egg cells. Then by the time she hits puberty, some of those eggs are released monthly through ovulation, while many others die their naturally programmed death like other cells in the body. This being the case, by the time the average woman is in her 30’s (and past her fertile peak), her reserve of eggs has been significantly depleted to about 12%.

Truth: The concern about a low egg reserve is relevant to women who have already been diagnosed with fertility problems and are considering using In-Vitro Fertilisation to conceive. That’s because the procedure needs multiple eggs to be extracted for fertilisation. This ‘low egg reserve’ argument is a non-issue for women who are trying to conceive naturally. The thing is, if you’re only left with 12% of your eggs at age 30, that works out to more than 100, 000 eggs. You only need ONE egg to make a baby.

You Have Lower Quality Eggs

While a woman’s womb can be kept fit and fabulous, her eggs don’t have the same kind of longevity and resilience. Some of her eggs will die naturally as time passes, and the remaining eggs just get old! This results in miscarriages and babies born with Down syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities.

Truth: It is true that ‘older eggs’ don’t perform as well. The chances of the chromosomes dividing improperly, and the body in turn rejecting the embryo are higher in mature mothers. However, this experience is not exclusive to women in their 30s, and miscarriages are more common than we think for fertile women of all ages. While chromosomal abnormalities are more likely with older women, most children born with Down syndrome are born to women under age 35.

You Will Have a High-Risk Pregnancy

An older body is less tolerant of the demands of pregnancy, and so it is standard procedure for medical professionals to inform mature expectant mothers of the risks they face like hypertension.

Truth: Pregnant women of all ages will be at risk for complications if they have existing health conditions like high blood pressure, diabetes, kidney disease and obesity. So, it is not just for older women. Yet, if a healthy woman has become pregnant for the first time after age 35, then she needs to realise her body may or may not ‘go with the flow.’ She is more likely to have a cesarean section delivery, prolonged labour, among other things. Unlike teens (who are also high-risk during pregnancy), a first time mom aged 35 or older, is more likely to be well-educated and have better finances. As such, she is more likely to make better preparations for pregnancy, gain access to higher quality healthcare and make better health-supporting lifestyle choices.

Myths will always abound, and statistics can be deeply flawed. For women 35 years and older, the key is to be strategic when trying to conceive by tracking their cycles and timing intercourse for when they ovulate. Then throughout pregnancy, they need to practice self-care to help the body manoeuvre the 9-month transformation including any negativity they face for being over 35.

Запись Have We Been Conditioned to Panic? 3 Myths About Pregnancy Over 35 Debunked впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

www.encouragegrowingfamilies.com

I wish I could paint this fairytale picture that where I am now in my life is what I’ve always wanted, but that’s the furthest from the truth.

With a Bachelor of Science in International Business, I thought I was going places. It didn’t matter that I didn’t land my dream job fresh out of college. I was willing to work my way up.

My dream was to travel the world.

Whether it was running my own business or working for some major corporation, I did not care as long as I could utilize my degree and travel.

Working for a travel agency was as close to my dream as I would get. At the time I was content because my traveling expenses were discounted or free. However, that lifestyle left no time for a husband or children.

My dreams became just dreams.

Fast forward a few years, I met my husband then one baby after another. Whatever dreams I thought I had were all just that, dreams. Instead of no time for a husband or babies, it was the opposite, no time for pursuing my dreams of traveling and progressing up the corporate ladder.

My mother would always say, a woman always sacrifices her dreams and goals once she has children. This was hard to accept and process internally. I started to question then what was my purpose. And with having to pay off my school loans, I asked why I allowed myself to waste four years of school if I’m not utilizing the degree I earned?

I just could not comprehend this transition in my life.

No matter how much I tried to do things my way, having children changed my life dramatically. It changed the way I thought, the way I dressed, and how I spent my time. This was not just me sacrificing dreams and goals. This was me sacrificing SELF for my husband and children.

After our fourth child, it came a point where I had to make a decision.

I didn’t want the most important people in my life to be neglected or suffer all because I wanted to be a success.

As my family grew, my faith grew. And as my faith grew, my views of what it meant to sacrifice self for children changed.

But how has all the sacrificing of SELF become a blessing?

It was either stop having children or stop pursuing my goals. Even after our fourth, I still had a desire for more children. I learned that children are an inheritance, not simply a byproduct of a couple’s intimacy.

Children teach you things that nothing else in the world can teach you.

Children taught me my strengths and weaknesses. There is nothing wrong with having dreams, but it is more of a blessing to share those dreams with others and fulfill them together. I’ve discovered the difference between my wants and necessities and what is temporal and what is eternal. All the accomplishments I would have gained on my own pre-family life would have made me happy but not joyful. There is a huge difference.

Sacrificing SELF for my children has taught me that my children are my success story. And I look forward to seeing every chapter of the story as I continue learn, love, teach and grow with them.

Have you made sacrifices to your dreams? What were your dreams before you became a mother? What are they now?

Запись I Sacrificed My Professional Dreams to Become a Mother 7 Times Over впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Many feel that the packaging furthers the perception that black fathers are not involved in the lives of their children. Well, I cannot say whether this was deliberately racist or not, but in the Baby and Blog Facebook group (if you haven’t joined, you NEED to… it is SO happening over there) member Ashley started a thread on black fathers who babywear, and invited us to share our pictures. It started out as fun, and turned into serious inspiration. Some of the mommies have allowed me to share their photos here on Baby and Blog! And if you want to have your partner’s photo added, simply email it to leila@babyandblog.com with a short description, and I’ll add it to the main post. I’m still getting permission from the Facebook group mommies to share the pics, so check back periodically for more ?

Submitted by: Nicole

Submitted by Marcia; “My husband with our son Sebastian :)”

Submitted by me; “My son is about a week old in this picture. My husband was thirsty to use that carrier, lol!”

Submitted by Markisha

Submitted by Martina; “On a hike a few months back :)”

Submitted by Ashley

Submitted by Donnica

Submitted by Petunia

Submitted by Kristie; “When our son was younger”

Submitted by Cess; “When our son was about 4 mo”

Submitted by Asia

From the Humans of New York Facebook page

Submitted by Denise; Here’s my husband at a baby wearing class. This is a doll by the way!

Submitted by Shannon; This is my brother. He is not a father yet, but he is babywearing my son, his nephew. He’s a good uncle. (Lives in Chicago too!)

Submitted by Nana; My wonderful son, Brandon wearing my fabulous granddaughter, Kimberley as she surveys her queendom!

Submitted by Alisha; Keiron and a little Zoe

Запись Black Fathers Who Babywear! впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Yes! I’m a Daddy’s girl and I hope my daughter grows up to be a Daddy’s girl, too. The bond between a man and his child is the greatest form of empowerment and protection a child can have. I wear the features of my father’s face and have duplicated his strong personality, too. Since I learned to walk,  I was trailing him around the house and messing with his tools – wanting to do whatever he was doing. My Daddy and I would often stay up late watching movies and every Kung Fu movie would close out with the both of us play-fighting: fists flying and feet leaping through the air. He even took me to work with him, on a number of occasions. A man who is rarely at a loss for words,  he taught me the art of holding an engaging conversation; and I’m a fierce debater – my analytical and persuasive skills honed by many sessions of arguing topic after topic with him. From my earliest years, I could see how my Daddy was smitten with Mommy,  and how he seemed to dissolve into sorrow whenever they were separated for too long. These observations helped to formed my standards for love and defined my understanding of devotion. The invaluable and irreplaceable force that my father is in my life, cannot be described in any of the languages that I’m familiar with. I know, that being fathered is an unequalled experience,  that children yearn for and treasure; so I could never understand how any woman could consider herself a worthy substitute for her children’s Dad.

The Single Mother’s Misperception
In 1957,  Edith Clarke wrote the book “My Mother Who Fathered Me”,  based on her studies of West Indian family patterns. In the decades since it’s publication, the expression has been frequently used and widely accepted as a description of the struggles and accomplishments of many single mothers in our society. But, when asked to explain what is meant by this phrase: “a mother who fathers”, the usual response is, “she did everything – wash, cook, clean, house, clothe and feed us.” In essence,  such a mother was usually left to be the sole caregiver and provider for her children; and she often ended up bearing all the financial burdens of the household. But, it is rare, if ever at all, that you will hear this sash of honour being placed on a mother who received sufficient financial support from her child’s father. That’s because our society has led us to believe that the purpose of a father is to provide the tangible resources: food, shelter, clothing and material possessions, for their offspring. Unfortunately, many women have deliberately restricted the father of their children to the sole duty of making financial contributions – because they themselves did not experience an involved father and they imagine that the only thing they lacked in their childhood was that extra income. But,  money is definitely not all, because even though there are more women are in the workplace today, we seem to have more poverty,  juvenile delinquency, teen pregnancy, promiscuity, violence against women, child abuse and other social ills,  since the ‘nuclear’ family gained two incomes. Is it possible, that many women, who feel empowered by their ability to generate an income and feel affirmed by the champions of gender equality, have intentionally or unintentionally stifled the optimal development of their children? Have they ignored the indispensable role of their male co-parents and disregarded the intrinsic need a child has for a relationship with his/her father?

The Hats of an Involved Father
Research in various countries has shown that children who have a relationship with an involved male parent are smarter, more emotionally intelligent and have better social skills – among other things. They make better choices as adults and are less likely to suffer from mental health issues or addictions. But what exactly does a father do – beyond bringing home the dough and securing the home – to impact their children in such a significant way?

• Provider – Dads often define their self-worth by their ability to give their children all the things they need and want. But, beyond the tangible resources like food and shelter, fathers also teach their children about responsibility, independence and resource management through the way they handle money and the family’s expenses.
• Protector – From childproofing the home for a toddler and handling external threats to their safety to monitoring his teenager’s whereabouts and controlling the activities s/he gets involved with,  a father defends his children and guards them from harm. The sense of security he provides is larger than his physique and is felt even when he is not in his child’s presence.
• Playmate – The high-energy, physical frolicking that Papa is known for, is rarely matched by Mama, since his wild romping usually pushes limits and involves lots of rough-and-tumble. These impromptu wrestling matches and launch-into-space tosses into the air are key to brain and muscle development. But, more importantly, these sessions of roughhousing teach children to manage their emotions, improve concentration and thinking skills.
• Pilot – As head of the family (and the final authority), Daddy determines the family’s mission/priorities/focus and he guides his children based on his life principles. He doesn’t just lay down the law and enforce discipline; he is a role model,  who allows his children to learn about consequences and even acknowledges his own mistakes. A father helps his little ones with school work, but he also helps them to solve problems and make decisions through the various ages and stages of life.
• Philosopher – Through daily conversation and time spent together, a Dad passes on a lot of life lessons to his children. He helps to shape the way the see the world – the way they love and the things they think are worth fighting for. He moulds their minds with both his words,  his silence and his actions. Using his reasoning, his morals and his conduct,  a father prepares his children for facing and managing the realities of life.

 
Fathers who co-parent effectively also have a healthy and positive relationship with the mother(s) of their child(ren) – even if they don’t live together and even if they’re not having a romantic relationship with each other. An involved father shows affection to and is considerate of his child’s mother. He assists with the responsibilities of childcare and housekeeping. He affirms his partner and appreciates the role she plays as a mother. He treats her with respect and never speaks negatively about her. An involved father models a healthy male-female relationship for his children as he interacts with their mother. His son will learn how to be kind to women and to honour them, while his daughter will learn how she is to be treated by a man. By the way a father relates to and interacts with his child’s mother,  he makes mothering a less hectic and a more joyful experience.

It’s important to note that a father doesn’t have to live with his child to be involved in an effective way. In fact, your child’s ‘father’ doesn’t even need to be the biological parent to fill the Daddy shoes – ask any adopted child. So, if your child’s biological father is not willing or able to fill the shoes of a father, the role may be played by other males your child relates to for e.g. uncles,  grandfathers,  step-fathers,  older cousins,  family friends,  teachers or mentors. The man who becomes the father-figure in your child’s life just needs to be committed to the relationship, emotionally attached and willing to invest himself in the nurturing and development of your child. But, even after looking at all the arguments, statistics and research data about the relevance of fathers, some mother’s will still want to cite single-mother success stories: children that came out of female-headed, single-parent homes, but made a name for themselves. However,  even those successes are often tied to the intervention of or inspiration from a father-figure in the lives of these young persons. Nonetheless, if a child can accomplish great things with an absentee father,  can you imagine what could have been achieved if the mother-father balance was not damaged?

Whether we are living with and loving our child’s father or we’re separated and settled on keeping it that way, there are steps we mothers can take to respect the role of fathering and to honour the involved fathers in our lives. To facilitate our children’s experience of being fathered, we will need to make the commitment to:

Didan Ashanta is a natural living enthusiast who blogs at DidanAshanta.com. A native of Jamaica, she currently lives in Tokyo with her husband and 1-year-old daughter.

Запись Why Mothers Can Never Be Fathers впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

For the past couple years, my husband and I have worked together to figure out a household set up that splits tasks as evenly as possible. Here’s what we’ve learned;

1. Assign him tasks he is good at or gravitates to
So my husband HATES cleaning toilets, but he likes running errands with my son. I don’t mind cleaning the bathroom, but I HATE vacuuming — which my husband kinda likes to do. We’ve managed to split up the tasks according to what we both enjoy or, at the very least, what we don’t mind doing, lol. It makes things easier.

2. TEACH him how to clean, don’t assume that he knows!
I once asked my husband to clean the kitchen. When I returned an hour later he was looking quite proud of himself, but all he had done was “tidy” the kitchen. Nothing was disinfected, lol. I had to explain to him that disinfecting the countertops, stove, sink and floors were the most important part of cleaning a kitchen. It seemed like common knowledge to me, but a lot of men were not taught these skills.

3. Assign DAILY tasks
Most women don’t need to be told to clean. We’ve been raised to be care givers, so it comes naturally to us. Men, on the other hand, need to be conditioned. When we began our co-home-management journey, I gave my husband one simple task to do every night; take the clean dishes out of the dishwasher and load it with the dirty ones. That was all. It took months for him to get into the habit of doing that. Once he did I gradually started adding other tasks. Now, every night, he loads the dishwasher, wipes down the kitchen counters, tidies the living room and sweeps the kitchen and living room floors. Getting to this point took us about a year and a half but now the behavior is habitual to my husband. Another bonus; now that he sees what goes into keeping a house clean, he is less likely to make a mess. He picks up after himself and our son a lot more.

4. Teach the concepts of CONSIDERATION and CONSEQUENCE — Every mess made will require someone to clean it
Consideration is a HUGE part of keeping a house clean. It’s not cool for you to leave a big mess for your husband to clean up, or for your husband to leave a mess for you to clean up. Learn to be considerate of each other. And be gentle and patient as your husband begins to understand the consequences of his behavior; that when he leaves his socks on the floor and they are gone the next day, it wasn’t by magic. Someone had to come pick them up and put them away.

5. Combine work and play
There are a few household tasks that can be kind of fun. My husband and I fold laundry while watching movies together. And we make grocery shopping a fun family affair with our son. We garden as a family, and it’s fun for our son to run around the yard and play in the dirt while we plant seeds or water our crops.

6. Remind him that yard and car work is not equal in effort to house work
A lot of men will say, “Well I mow the lawn and take the car in for an oil change. So I’ve done my part.” Gently remind them that those tasks require far less frequency than house work, which must be done every day. You can get by for weeks with an overgrown lawn, but you CAN’T get by for weeks with a dirty kitchen — unless you’re okay with roaches, mold and salmonella.

7. Affirm, affirm, affirm
We live in a culture that discourages men from — and even belittles them for — doing household work. So be sure to AFFIRM your husband when he lends a hand. Positively reinforce that behavior, and let him know how much it means to you

So what happens when your husband actually *does* start to help around the house? You have to learn to let go.

As my husband started to take more initiative I found myself tightening my grip on my role as ‘chief cleaner and cook’ lol. It was perfectly fine when I could look over his shoulder and direct him. But when he started doing housework when I wasn’t around, I got nervous. I have a particular way of cleaning and folding things, and I didn’t want to deal with something new. But part of working with your husband is letting him do thing in his own way. I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find that, often times, my husband will do a BETTER job than I do at certain tasks. I think we can give our husbands less credit than they actually deserve ?

Mommies, how do you encourage your husband or partner to participate in house work?

Запись 7 Ways to Get Your Husband to Help With Housework впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Family is an important hallmark of Black culture.  It used to be that teaching kids how to value family was pretty straightforward, even when generations were separated geographically.  Parents, for example, might send their kids down South with “Big Mama” and other elders for the summer.  My husband talks fondly about traveling to southern Alabama every summer with his grandparents and enjoying the time with his great-uncles, great-aunts and cousins.

Families have changed a lot since then.  How close family members live to each other, who makes up your family, even how family is defined.  In terms of my immediate family, we are blessed to live near both my and my husband’s extended family.  We also have our church family, who we consider just as important as our blood relatives.  For you, it may be different.  With all this diversity, it can be hard to figure out who and what family is.  And if it’s hard for us to pin down, it’s even harder for our kids.  But we still want our kids to have a sense of family.  How do we nurture that?  These four questions and activities will help.

Who’s In Your Family?
One activity you can do is to have your kids draw their family.  Get out a piece of paper and drawing instruments (e.g. crayons, coloring pencils, pens).  Ask your kids to draw the people they see as part of their family.  After they are done, ask them questions about the picture.  Who’s in the picture?  Why did you put them in the picture?

Where Does Your Family Come From?
You can also use this as an opportunity to speak to them about their genealogy and family origins.  Who are your parents’ parents?  Where did they grow up?  Where did they come from?  To bring this more to life, you can visit a local Black History museum if you are near one. Visit exhibits geared towards the history of the family.  Kids love learning about how other kids lived long ago.  Ask them questions about the exhibits.  What were some things that families did generations ago?  Were they surprised?  Would they want to do those things now?  Encourage them to ask their elders about what they learned.  Did Grandma used to be a sharecropper?  Did Granddaddy participate in Civil Rights demonstrations?  Even the everyday things.  Did their great-aunt grow her own veggies?  Did their great-uncle wear suits everyday?

What Traditions Does Your Family Have?
You can also develop family traditions to teach kids about building connections as a family.  One tradition our family has is Family Movie Night on Friday, which has temporarily turned into Family Shark Tank Friday.  We gather in the living room, relax, and discuss whose businesses seem like good ideas.  In terms of holidays, one thing we do is spend New Year’s Eve together, bringing the New Year in wearing our PJs and cuddled up together on the couch.

What Makes A Family A Family?
But teaching kids about family is not just about teaching them about their families, but family diversity.  Kids are bound to see all kinds of families in the world today and wonder what makes them a family.  One activity you can do is called Family Hands.  I use the metaphor of hands because a common thread through all families is a sense of being linked together, of holding hands together.  Sit down with your kids, this handout or some blank paper, and some drawing instruments.  Ask them to think about their family.  What do they like about their family?  What things do you all do together?  Do you help each other?  Look out for each other?  Go fun places together?  If they can write, have them write something they like for each finger on the handout.  If not, ask them to draw their family doing an activity together.  Then explain to them that these qualities are what makes them a family.  Ask them if they’ve seen these qualities in other families and whether these families look like theirs.  Do they have a mom?  A dad?  Brothers? Sisters? Aunts? Uncles? Grandparents? Help kids understand that families don’t all have to look alike to be happy together.

Nurturing an appreciation for family in your kids can help them and you in many ways.  They may be more helpful, more secure and kinder to others.  Not only that, they will understand how much their ancestors had to work to keep families together.

What are some ways you nurture an appreciation for family with your kids?

Запись 4 Ways to Teach Black Children The Importance of Tradition and Family впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

My husband is pretty fantastic.  He’s super supportive of my doula work – making me breakfast-to-go in the middle of the night, listening to detailed birth stories, going with the flow of an on-call job.  He’s a Math teacher, but he knows what a Foley bulb is and how to try to turn a posterior baby.

One morning, I came home after an all-day, all-night birth and handed him a bloody, plastic-wrapped bucket.

“It’s a placenta, ” I said with half-open eyes. “Can you put it in the freezer?”

He smiled, (At least I think so – I may have been asleep already.) and turned toward the kitchen, no questions asked. 

But he’s come a long way.  I remember sitting on a birth ball when the contractions were starting to come on strong with our first baby.  We had been watching West Wing on our laptop in the early hours of labor when it was easy.  But now I was moaning, rocking, and slumping my head against the chair in front of me.  At the peak of a contraction I felt a half-hearted, distracted back rub.

“Good job, baby. Good job, baby……..Baby, good job.”  I heaved myself up. His eyes were glued to the screen.

Needless to say, I asked him to shut it off (politely and graciously, I’m sure), and we kept laboring until we had a baby.  And he was great.

For dads, birth is a pretty mysterious event until they are in the thick of it.  Not only have most dads never witnessed a birth, but they have no way to relate personally.  The physical sensations of pregnancy and birth are completely outside their experience. 

If you’re planning a natural birth, your partner will likely be an important, if not the most important, member of your team.  It’s important that they’re prepared for the intense reality of birth and ready to support you.  Here are some ideas for helping them.

1. 1.       The obvious one – take a (great) birth class.

Often, it’s helpful for dads to get information from someone other than you.  Especially if they’re new to the idea of natural, non-medical birth, hearing from an experienced teacher adds credibility and helps them make the paradigm shift.

Good teachers also create their classes with learning styles in mind.  Men are often visual and kinesthetic learners, and taking an engaging class will help him (and you!) absorb more ideas and information.  I also see that dads are more likely to engage in discussion and ask questions when they see other dads doing the same thing.

Birth classes can be a great platform for you and your partner to work through dynamics and personality conflicts that will come up during your birth.  Having this kind of prompting come from an objective source makes the discussion easier.

What makes a good birth class?  I recommend taking an independent class – not one taught at the hospital.  While there are many good hospital teachers, these classes tend to center around hospital protocol, and often teachers are hesitant to present information that conflicts with policy, even when it’s backed by research.

I recommend private classes from Lamaze, Birthing from Within, Informed Beginnings, or Bradley.  If you’re working with a doula, get her referrals – the caliber of teacher matters more than the method.

1. 2.       Connect your partner with other men who’ve experienced natural childbirth. 

If you have friends who’ve had a baby recently, have them over for dinner and ask them to share their story.  It’s always fun to hear both sides of the story, and it helps to demystify labor and birth.  You can also ask your partner to watch some birth videos with you.  The birth of Moonbeam is a new favorite of mine. Dad actually catches the baby!

1. 3.       Watch The Business of Being Born.

This 2007 documentary is a great eye-opening conversation starter. I’ve seen dads fired up (sometimes more than moms!) and excited to support their partners and advocate for the best birth possible.

1. 4.       Have him do some reading.

Ask him to read chapters of birth books that are helping you.  If he’s got the time, The Birth Partner is awesome.  I’ve known dads who bring it to the birth and use the index to help them.  It’s a great resource.

1. 5.       Get a doula

One of doula’s main roles is to help dad help mom.  Doulas possess skills earned at numerous births that no man (or woman!) can pick up from a book or video.  In my doula interviews, I like to talk about the power of a doula to free dad to be what only he can be.  For most women, their partner will be their closest friend and most intimate ally in the birth room.  A doula can focus on the details – acupressure, position change, etc. – so that your partner can whisper encouragement and give you hugs in a way that only he can.  Often times, I find myself behind mom doing the hip squeeze while she fully leans into her partner chest, her arms wrapped around his neck.

A doula can also help dad relax.  Birth, especially the first time, is intense and can be scary.  If the doula is acting normal and calm, partners feel assured that everything is, in fact, normal.   I had a client whose husband was pretty freaked out by her blood loss immediately after birth.  Blood was gushing a bit, but just in the way it normally does.  He kept looking to me with huge eyes and mouthing, is she okay???  He felt assured by my happy smiles and nods.  His wife knew nothing of our exchanges, but he was put at ease.

Doulas are available at every price range based on experience, and costs vary a lot by area. Doulas-in-training will often offer a complimentary package.  Here’s a good place to start a doula search.

Dads can feel overwhelmed at the prospect of supporting their partners without the help of medication.  But when prepared, they’re empowered to offer a real backrub, arms to lean on, and maybe even hands to catch your baby.

Lindsey lives on and loves the west side of Chicago with her husband Mike and her kids – Caleb, 4 and Lily, 2. She works part time as a doula and childbirth educator and is fascinated by all things birth. In winter she likes to bake with sourdough, and in summer she likes everything. In all things, she is covered with God’s grace.

Запись 5 Ways to Prepare Your Partner for Natural Birth впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

By Ebony Reddock

Before my husband and I married, we were a baby-mama and baby-daddy to our son.  Sharing parenting responsibility with an ex can be difficult.  I’m almost ashamed to admit some of the things I did, like the time I slapped him with keys or cursed him out in a church parking lot.  I know he has moments he wants to forget too.  But after some rough patches, we got to the point where we could co-parent cooperatively.  I’m sure you’re thinking we could work cooperatively only because we were still interested in a relationship.  But the truth is that we learned to cooperate way before we married or even began dating again.

Co-parenting isn’t just sharing custody of a kid and doing what you do while he do what he do.  It’s making decisions about your child together, about schools or health care.  While I’m writing this with exes in mind, the fact is that married or otherwise stable couples have to work at co-parenting too.  There is one prerequisite to co-parenting: it requires two people.  If your current or former partner isn’t interested in being cooperative, then you will need to set boundaries for yourself and your kids.  But you can still use some of these suggestions to keep the tension low as possible.

Co-parenting can feel unnecessary or weird at first, especially if it’s different than how you were raised.  I grew up in a family where women ruled the roost.  Some women in my family didn’t understand why I didn’t just tell my son’s father what he had to do and be done with it.  Let’s just say that strategy didn’t sit well with him.  Trying to parent differently was the hardest thing for me.  But we wanted our son to grow up knowing he had two parents who loved him so much that they were willing to put their drama aside for him.  Here are five suggestions that helped us as we learned to co-parent successfully:

5 Ways To Successfully Co-parent

1. Put Emotions Aside:  If there are two things that most people get super emotional about, it’s children and relationships.  But you can’t co-parent if you let your emotions lead the way.  If you need help with that, try to imagine yourself ten years from now, answering your kid when he or she asks you why you and Daddy hate each other. And sometimes, you have to fake it ’til you make it.  Treat each other with respect, even if you don’t genuinely feel that way.  Even play nice with his family, if you can.   When my now-husband and I put our drama aside for our son, that’s when we started to work as a team.

2. Set Ground Rules: You both have issues that are important to you.  But other issues? Not so much.  Decide what’s non-negotiable and what’s negotiable.  Is McDonald’s every once in a while really gonna kill your kid? Probably not.  But will your ex taking your son to Uncle Charlie the drug dealer’s house?  Maybe.  When you’re co-parenting with an ex, you have to be firm about the issues that are non-negotiable, but flexible on the rest.  Don’t forget to set rules about child support too.  Automatically getting the courts involved is not always the answer.  We stayed out of the courts, which was good for us.  For others, getting the courts involved might be the better option.  Talk this, and all issues, over with your ex.  AND–don’t just set ground rules–make a commitment to honor them too.

3. Be Patient:  It took at least two persistent years, a lot of arguments and long conversations before we could say we trusted each other.  Learning to co-parent takes time, especially when there isn’t trust there.  And that’s usually the case with exes.  Unless you’re one of those couples that broke up amicably, you probably have issues you’re still upset about.  Healing from that, and being able to work cooperatively, takes time.

4. Keep It Classy: I know I don’t have to say this to you–this is for someone else, right?  Don’t become the aggressive baby-mama and baby-daddy fighting in the street, or the baby-mama and baby-daddy still messing around and confusing their child.  Keeping it classy with my son’s father was definitely not something I was good at in the beginning.  I already shared with you my tendency to fly off the handle.  If you’re co-parenting with an ex, there’s bound to be some messy feelings.  Maybe it’s anger.  Maybe it’s sexual attraction.  But don’t muddy the waters with some temporary nonsense from an argument or baby-daddy sex.  It will make learning to co-parent that much harder.

5. Spend Time Together With Your Child:  Even though you aren’t in a relationship, you are still family because you share a child together.  Once you have gotten past any beginning awkwardness from co-parenting, make a point to spend time together with your child.  Go to the movies.  Take your child out to lunch.  Go to the park.  It helps you learn to work cooperatively, and your child sees that you are a team.

It may take a while before you see the fruits of your labors.  But if both of you are committed to being co-parents, you will eventually see that work pay off.  How do you and your child’s father work cooperatively?  What kinds of ground rules are non-negotiable for you?

Ebony Reddock is a wife, mother of two, writer, researcher and workshop facilitator on mothers’ health and wellness.  She is also an advocate promoting social, political and economic conditions that help mothers take care of themselves and their families.  Her mission is to support mothers who want to live healthier, more balanced lives.  Visit her at her website: www.ecreddock.com

Запись Leave the Drama Behind: 5 Ways to Co-Parent When You’re Not Married to Your Child’s Father впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

By Kim of 

Once upon a time I used to sit and wonder what it would be like to be married. I thought about how amazing it would be to spend my life waking up to this special person. I would daydream about our future quick getaways and the long, deep, intimate conversations we would share over dinner; whether at a nice eclectic restaurant or at home under dim lights with candles lit. Hmmmmmmm can you imagine?! But wait!!!!! Something happen. Not 1, not 2, not even 3, but 4 children happened. Then reality kicked in and everything changed.

Simple romantic getaways turned into a getaway to Walmart for some pampers. Dinner conversations turned into attempts to convince our toddlers that vegetables would help them grow strong and healthy. For Rick and I, quality time was becoming non existent. We were always bombarded by the needs of our children. We were blessed if we even got to sit by each other on the couch. Something had to change. How was this marriage going to be successful without any quality time being spent with one another. There needed to be a balance. Yes our children are and always will be a huge part of our relationship, but we do not have to neglect each other in the midst of it.

So here are some thing my husband and I try to incorporate, so that we’re not just playing the role of daddy and mommy, but also of husband and wife.

1. Communicate Every Day!
Every chance we get we communicate. I don’t care how short and sweet this is. Even when we are apart, while he is at work and I am taking care of home. Letting your spouse know that you are alive, thinking about him or her, or sharing an interesting moment in your day will make you both feel great that you are being thought about. Even a simple “I Love You” will do!

2. Plan a Date Night
I can not stress this enough! I don’t care if this is just once a month. Do it!!!!! It gives us both something to look forward to. Of course find someone you can trust to watch your children, but even if you can’t, don’t let it deter you. Keep looking! The benefits of having a date night with your spouse is worth the search. We do date nights once or twice a month and I really look forward to them. We try our best to do something a little different to spice it up, but all we really care about is time spent with one another. You can even squeeze in a lunch date every now and then.

3. Take a Weekend Off
Save your vacation or choice days. My husband gets choice days every now and then and if there aren’t any responsibilities to be handled, he uses his days to spend with me. You do not have to go far to enjoy your days off. You can go somewhere local and enjoy the change of scenery. Sometimes a one night stay at a nice hotel that comes with amenities like a restaurant, spa and breakfast will do just fine.

4. Spend time together after the kids are asleep
This is when the party starts for me and Rick. It’s probably the only time we can really kick our feet up, have a cup of tea, and just talk as husband and wife (provided bedtime goes well with our children.) He can share his day as I listen and vice versa. We sometimes even share a dessert while watching a movie. Sometimes all we really want is each others company.

So there you have it! It doesn’t have to be as dramatic as my daydreams were. It can be cute, simple and inexpensive things that provide a life time of romantic memories for you both. I would love to hear more ways you ladies try to keep the balance in your marriage.

Kim is the author of  where she discovers what it means to be a woman of GOD, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and entrepreneur.

Запись My Husband vs My 4 Kids: How I Prioritize Marriage in the Midst of It All впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.