I’m busy, so busy that it could be easy to not care about family meetings. Yet, I believe in running my family like a business to an extent. All good organizations need meetings to reflect, plan, celebrate, and grow. From extended family meetings at my grandparents’ to the one I run now in my own house, family meetings are essential to our household health. Family time has been keeping us together, grounded, and connected for generations.

At my grandparent’s house, it started with my grandfather’s drumming.

At dawn, his beat called the family to the living room. We sang together, read scriptures, and discussed different daily life challenges, giving our opinions and sharing ideas from our day-to-day experiences. We were sometimes quite groggy at the beginning of those meetings, but those family devotions were a great chance to talk with everyone about the right and wrong ways to go about life.

My mother’s version was a lot more creative.

One time she called my siblings and I around the dining table stacked with snacks and malted drinks for an eating and drinking contest. No one could forget the time when the entire family was commissioned to read through V.S. Naipaul’s “Miguel Street” and how we discussed the various stories as we went through the book together. Sometimes, she brought home a sheet full of riddles or brainteasers and had us sprawled on the floor with pencils and paper trying to get the answers. At other times, everyone gathered to discuss changes that were on the horizon and each of us would give our opinions on the matter.

So, it flowed into my own family.

It kicked off during premarital counselling, when we learned about the parallels of a family and a company. So in the first few years, we held them on the last day of every month. We would grab some time together and review the month: celebrating our successes and acknowledging our stumbles. We’d set new goals for the next month and discuss our budget and make other important decisions. But, it wasn’t all stuffy or formal like some company meetings. They are more like the intermissions we have at the movies in Jamaica: a break time for us to stop the busyness that life can be, assess our reality and get prepped to jump back into the show.

As a child, I assumed every family was run this way.

We never called them ‘family meetings’ at the time, but these times designated to play, learn, and think together were central to how we functioned. Now, that I’m a mother, I see how important regular family meetings are to the harmony in my home. Whether we use the time to practice spiritual disciplines (devotion), set goals, review the budget, do book reviews, or play board games, it is important to schedule regular times for the family to get together. We’re living in a time where toddlers have swim lessons, 8 year olds have sporting competitions, and teenagers are working part-time jobs. Everyone’s schedule is packed that we can too quickly we move past each other without ever really connecting.

As a mother, I want to be intentional about the harmony in my home.

I know it doesn’t all fall into place just because we live in the same space and share DNA. So, even if it’s just 20 minutes a week, I need to set an appointment with my husband and my daughter where it’s just us: playing, learning, and thinking together. From my childhood memories, I know these are the times when family values get defined and passed on, when challenges get addressed and conflicts are resolved. It allows us to plan for family events and align our calendars. We get the chance to share new ideas and have new experiences together.

Sometimes family meetings are scheduled like bill payment day or eat-out night. At other times, they are impromptu like when a problem erupts or when we get home extra early and decide to put on some old music and do crazy dances in the kitchen. Structured or casual, our family meetings are essential to our flow. We take them seriously, and we give each other our full attention.

Mommies, do you pencil in dedicated family time?

Запись I Run My Family Like a Company to Keep Us Together впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

1. Ruby Rails

Just the other day, my daughter told me that Ruby Rails is her favorite doll, so I had to list her first.  I must admit I love her too.  She is the first Black action figure doll that I have seen.  She is also a coder, and she comes with a parachute pack that allows girls to learn about engineering and aerodynamics while playing with her.

2.Healthy Roots

I love everything about this company which was started by a young design student who created the dolls and a children’s book to teach girls how to take care of their hair.   The dolls are available for pre-order.

3. Naturally Perfect Dolls

The line of dolls was created by  two parents who saw the need for their daughters to have a dolls with natural hair.  These dolls come in four shades of brown but the unique thing about this dolls is that they have “hair you can style/wash as natural hair.”

4. Ntomb’entle Dolls

In Zulu, Ntomb’entle means beautiful girl.  The Ntomb’entle dolls were created by Molemo Kgomo so that her daughter could relate to a beautiful Black South African doll.  I love that these dolls all have short hair.  It seems that although many dolls and books aim to teach girls about the beauty of their natural texture, very few encourage girls to embrace short hair.  These dolls are a perfect example of beautiful dolls that don’t have hair flowing down their backs.

5. Pretty Brown Girl

More than a doll, Pretty Brown Girl is a movement to teach girls to follow their dreams.  The doll was created by a mother who had a bad experience in an American Girl store.  In addition to the doll there are Pretty Brown Girl clubs as well as an after school program and an annual Pretty Brown Girl Day.

6. Queens of Africa

Based in Nigeria, this doll company creates dolls that embrace Nigerian culture and Black fashion and beauty.  The dolls also have story books and music that aim to empower girls of African descent.  The dolls come with Nigerian names from the three major ethnic groups in Nigeria.

7. OffDHookCreations

For anyone who is looking for a customized doll, please check out OffDHookCreations on ETSY.  I learned about these beautiful dolls from following the Instagram page of the same name.

8. Brown Eyed Dolls

Brown Eyed Dolls is a toy company that produces “dolls with wonderful curly, kinky hair, dolls with deep dark gorgeous skin tones and dolls with lighter skin tones.”

9. Ikuzi Dolls

The creator of Ikuzi Dolls,  Ozi Okaro has two daughters with different skin tones.  She was inspired by her daughters and her own experience growing up with a lack of dolls that represented her own beauty.

10. I’m a Pretty Little Black Girl

This doll comes from the main character of the children’s book that comes from the same name.

11. EthiDolls

“EthiDolls was founded on the idea that strong, smart & confident girls need relevant role models that are reflections of themselves.” The line of dolls is inspired by African real life women leaders from history such as Queen Mother Yaa Asantewa and other African royalty.  The dolls come with story books and an audio CD that teaches them history.

12. Hearts for Hearts-Rachel

Hearts for Hearts is a company that makes dolls that represent various nations around the world. Rachel is from Ethiopia.  She comes in two different outfits and has beautiful curly hair.

Moms, what are your favorite Black dolls?

Запись 11 Beautiful Black Dolls Beyond Barbie and Doc McStuffins впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Last week, Steve Harvey discussed unschooling on his popular talk show. Harvey explained a major benefit of homeschooling his own children was increased family time, but while he supports homeschooling he is unfamiliar with unschooling.

On the show, Harvey had a panel of parents who were considered ‘new school’ and another panel considered ‘old school’.

As I watched the segment on Youtube, I reflected on my own experience.

1. Unschooling is focused on teaching children according to their interests
Akilah described unschooling as “focused on the kids interests, so you use the interest as a gateway to open them up to other things.” And that description is spot on. Allowing children to pursue their interests is especially important in the primary years. As a former high school teacher I have come across so many students who lack creativity and don’t have a strong sense of curiosity. I recall multiple occasions where I gave students freedom to create a presentation or project, only to be faced with the disappointing phrase: “Miss I don’t know what to do.” I would respond by telling them, “Anything you like!” However more often than not students would simply ask that I give them a topic.

An education system that constantly tells children what to think and puts the majority of its focus on test scores creates individuals who are incapable of coming up with their own conclusions and waiting for someone to tell them what to do. When children are not only allowed but encouraged to follow their passions, to be curious and explore, the stage is set for them to become inventors, creators and problem solvers. Whether you unschool or use traditional school as a primary means of education, allowing children to pursue their curiosity at a young age is the best education you can give your child.

2. There is no curriculum timetable or objective measure of ‘success’ — and that’s not a bad thing
Bethany, one of the mothers on Harvey’s panel confessed that her 5 year old could not read. A father on the ‘old school’ side seemed shocked. But unschooling does not have academic standards and measures of success as the mainstream education system does. And as a homeschooling mother I have experienced this. Although my children are advanced in other areas, my oldest child showed no interest in writing. In fact she was a opposed to writing every time I tried to force it on her. I shared this with my husband and we both decided to back off and allow her to come to writing on her own. That means we abandoned all the tracing alphabet workbooks and Handwriting Without Tears materials and just allowed her to pursue the subjects she was interested in. She loves to read, she wanted to learn how to play the violin, she loves science.  So we got her involved in those activities. And then, almost overnight, she started writing, when she was ready.

I know there are parents who would have told me that my daughter needed to practice writing everyday to become good at it. That kids should be writing their name in Kindergarten. But I choose not to worry about everyone else’s timetable and just focus on my child. I have seen young preschool and kindergarten kids cry because adults made them feel less than for lack of penmanship. That was not the road I wanted to travel.  Not worrying about the mainstream measures of success is important for unschoolers, and can be applied to traditional schoolers as well.

3. Unschooling is not for everyone
One of the parents on the ‘old school’ side of the panel mentioned that she wasn’t able to attend college and she wanted to see her kids walk across the stage at commencement. The audience applauded her. While I understand her passion to move her children toward a degree, degrees shouldn’t always be equated with education, and vice versa. Many educated people are self-taught and do not have a degree. Unschooling parents are just as passionate about their child’s education, but they do not place their educational value in a report card or a certificate from an institution. Some unschoolers go on to become entrepreneurs and other unschoolers go on to pursue degrees in the areas of their interests. Many of the world’s most successful people do not have college degrees, but some do. And while I love the idea of unschooling, I realize that unschooling is not for every family. We should learn to respect the diversity of educational options available to our children and learn from them.

Mommies, have you tried or considered unschooling? Have you incorporated principles of unschooling into your child’s traditional education? Share your experiences below.

Запись It’s Not New-Agey or Weird: What Black Families Should Know About Unschooling впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

I’m a big believer in learning through play. Little children learn best when their imaginations and hearts are in the forefront. This is why I love dance class for my son.

From the time they can sit up, the tiniest babies love to move. Toddlers can hardly stand up before they’re bouncing and clapping whenever they hear a beat. Dance is such a natural form of expression.

When my son first started dance, I thought it’d be a good social opportunity, but now as we’re getting ready for our second recital, I see that dance is teaching my son to one day be a strong man.

He learns to listen to others.

Since my son isn’t in preschool, dance gives him an opportunity to listen to adults other than his family. Dance class is not a place for wild free-play. It shows that orderly quiet, respectful places can be fun even if it requires waiting for a turn to go across the floor.

He learns to face himself in the mirror.

Dance class takes place in a room of mirrors. Mirrors are vital to be able to see if what you think you’re doing actually matches what you’re doing. This literal self reflection teaches the priceless skill of self-evaluation. Learning to be proud of what you see is equally important.

Dance lets him escape the man box.

This year my son is the only little boy in his class, but that doesn’t worry me. I put him in dance to help him overcome the trappings of the “man box, ” the unwritten rules about what a man can and cannot do and still be respected. These gender conformity guidelines hurt both men and women as Tony Porter explains in a life-changing TED talk:

“Growing up as a boy, we were taught that men had to be tough, had to be strong, had to be courageous, dominating — no pain, no emotions, with the exception of anger — and definitely no fear; that men are in charge, which means women are not; that men lead, and you should just follow and do what we say; that men are superior; women are inferior; that men are strong; women are weak; that women are of less value, property of men, and objects, particularly sexual objects. I’ve later come to know that to be the collective socialization of men, better known as the “man box.” See this man box has in it all the ingredients of how we define what it means to be a man. […]

“I come to also look at this as this fear that we have as men, this fear that just has us paralyzed, holding us hostage to this man box. I can remember speaking to a 12-year-old boy, a football player, and I asked him, I said, “How would you feel if, in front of all the players, your coach told you you were playing like a girl?” Now I expected him to say something like, I’d be sad; I’d be mad; I’d be angry, or something like that. No, the boy said to me — the boy said to me, “It would destroy me.” And I said to myself, “God, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?””

Dance helps my son be secure in himself and his interests. It helps him value people regardless of their genders. Hopefully, he’ll see that he doesn’t have to live his life trapped in boxes. He can be both the little boy dirty from playing construction trucks in the mud and the one dancing as Beast in ballet slippers. His classmates can be little girls in pretty pink tutus but also strong, smart, funny, and his friends.

He sees that improvement take practice and commitment.

It’s adorable to look in on the class and see how terrible they are the first few times they’re taught something new. In dance, new is not a reason to be worried. It’s just another thing to work on. From day one, it starts with simple moves that become more and more complex, building toward a recital show in front of an audience. It’s amazing as a parent to watch that progress. I can only imagine how it feels as the dancer.

He’s learning to carry himself. 

Posture is important especially as our lives become more hunched over as we work and play on computers, tablets, and phones. I’m hopeful that good posture from ballet will stay with him and help prevent future neck and back pain. Plus, there’s a confidence that can’t be denied from someone who knows how to carry himself.

He was only three years old for his first recital, and we weren’t sure he’d have the confidence to walk out on stage, under those big lights, and perform, but he did. All four times.

I know some people raise an eyebrow because my son takes dance.

As a small child, he has the opportunities to explore and express himself without the baggage of societal expectations. For him to transcend any outside limitations that might try to stunt his success, he has to learn to be comfortable in his own skin. Dance is an amazing place to learn these lessons.

Dance class taps into that innate desire to express self, but it adds guidance and a platform for growth.He probably won’t study dance forever, but the skills he’s learning might one day be the difference that helps him make the cut of the team he wants to join or makes him standout at an important interview. Beyond the coordination and motor skills which are great, my son takes dance because it contributes to his whole self-development.

Запись How My Son’s Ballet Lessons Are Helping Him Develop Character впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

NYTimes.com

“I am not as smart as the other kids.” 

That’s what the child told her mother.

“There is nothing that infuriates me more than when you don’t do what’s on your paper!”

That’s what the teacher Ms. Dial told the child as she struggled with a math problem.

In 2014 a concerned teaching assistant secretly recorded the following video of Ms. Dial reacting to a student’s incorrect answer. In the video, we see young students sitting quietly while Ms. Dial asks a student to count something again. The young girl is sitting adjacent to Ms. Dial. There is a slight pause when Ms. Dial asks her to count it again. Then we hear Ms. Dial say, “count” in a very strong serious tone. On the floor, we see yellow blocks. The young girl counts, but Ms. Dial rips up her paper and throws it at her. The child sits quietly with her hands folded. Ms. Dial then directs her to go to the calm down chair and sit. As the girl walks to the chair, Ms. Dial crosses out something on the board. Ms. Dial then asks other students to demonstrate how to count correctly. Multiple hands go up, and one student volunteers to count correctly.

As I have watched this video multiple times, I have had many concerns.

Concern number one: Confidence

As I listen to the interaction between Ms. Dial and the young girl, my heart goes out to the girl. I feel especially worried about her confidence both in math and in life will be impacted by this type of treatment.

Nadya Miranda, the girl’s mother said, “It makes me feel bad as a parent — like, what am I going to do to build her confidence all over again?” A HONY story comes to mind. In the post, a grandfather says, “His grandmother and I are raising him. I worry about putting him into the public school system. I was a teacher for many years. I’ve seen so much confidence destroyed by the standardized system.”

Giving children a sense of confidence is so key. It affects every aspect of their life, not just academics. Situations like these can tear down and rip holes into a child’s self-esteem. As mothers, we have to work extra hard to instill a sense of confidence in our children because there are so many forces in the world that are ready to tear them down.

Concern number two: The right answer

Teachers and parents must be aware of what I call “the right answer” syndrome. Salman Khan, creator of Khan Academy explains how researchers have “found that neural connections form and deepen most when we make mistakes doing difficult tasks rather than repeatedly having success with easy ones.” In the video, and most likely in daily practice, students are only praised if they get the right answer. What would have worked better is if the teacher had assisted the student in the process of how to work out the problem, instead Ms. Dial punished her for getting the wrong answer.

Concern three: Teacher stress

Teaching is a stressful job that requires a lot of patience. From the short video, it seems that the teacher is very frustrated and is taking it out on the kids. In a press conference given by Success Academy, parents and staff members offer up support for Ms. Dial. Parents and teachers noted that often teachers have 11 hours days, put in extra time at home to prepare lesson plans, and make tremendous sacrifices in terms of time and energy, all so that their students can be successful. However, no one seemed to be connecting the dots that all of those factors contribute to a stressed out person that is more likely to be abusive with language. Teachers need stress management. Schools put a tremendous amount of pressure on teachers, and many teachers operate out of stress. No teacher should be this stressed out when explaining a simple math problem.

Concern four: Parent-Teacher relationship

It is imperative that parents know about what is going on in the classroom and have a strong relationship with their child’s teacher. It is not enough to just know how well they did on a test, or how their academic achievement is progressing. The teacher should be able to comment on their personality changes, confidence in the classroom and motivation as well. These are critically important topics to discuss with the parent when a child is not meeting expectations, rather than berate a child.

Concern five: Parental Involvement

“She used to tell me: ‘I’m never going to get it. I just don’t know. I’m not as smart as the other kids, ’” Ms. Miranda said. “I would hear that from her, and I’d be like, ‘Where are you getting this from?’”

Then she saw the video, and she knew. If you hear your child doubting themselves academically, talk to their teacher and ask if the teacher has noticed the same behavior.  Consider the teacher your partner in educating your child. You need to have good communication and a clear understanding with your partner in order to obtain your goals.

During parent-teacher meetings, ask these questions. Then ask your children these same questions, and compare their answers. Be prepared to discuss concerning discrepancies with the teacher if need be.

This video captured a classroom gone wrong, but we can learn from it. Be proactive about having your child understand that they should respect but not be afraid of their teacher. Explain to your children what emotional abuse is, and let them know it is not ok for adults to abuse them this way.

Lastly, if we expect teachers and school staff members to treat our children with respect, we must model it at home so that they know what it looks like. Parents too must avoid lashing out over simple mistakes and instead should speak gently to our children.

Mothers, what is your reaction to the video?  Would you be ok with a teacher treating your child this way?

Запись 5 Reasons I’m Concerned By This Video of a White Teacher Berating a Black Female Student впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

February means a return of all the classic Black History Month activities at school, but there’s so much more you can do to teach your kids about our history than a coloring sheet of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. From crafts to recipes, these activities will engage your children and make history come alive.

1. Create a cardboard airplane craft and teach them about Bessie Coleman or the Tuskegee Airmen. 

2. Follow this tutorial on how to make an astronaut costume for your child.  Then teach them about Guion Bluford, Mae Jemison and other black astronauts.

3. Make a fun traffic light craft while introducing your child to Garrett Morgan.  Continue with this lesson by playing Red Light, Green Light.

4. Make these spaghetti brooms or this bookmark broom craft.  Then read Jumping the Broom by Sonia W. Black to teach your child about this African American tradition.  When we read this story to our daughter, we also looked through our wedding photos and shared pictures of mommy and daddy jumping the broom.

5. Follow this tutorial by making a paper version of Kente Cloth.  Complement this activity by reading Kente Colors by Debbie Chocolate or The Spider Weaver: A Legend Of Kente Cloth by Margaret Musgrove.  In the March 2014 issue of Ladybug magazine, there is a tear out craft for children to make a Kente Cloth picture frame, as well as a short story that gives some cultural context for Kente cloth.  See if your local library subscribes to it or look into ordering a back issue.  For students in grades 3-5 The Brooklyn Children’s Museum has a wonderful list of activities centered around African Textiles.

 

6. George Washington Carver is famous for creating products based off the peanut, but he also researched soybeans, cotton, and sweet potatoes.  Try growing a sweet potato with your child and watch it sprout. Make African Peanut Soup or homemade peanut butter.  While you are participating in these activities, use your five senses and describe the texture of the shelled peanuts or potato skin. Explain that Carver was a scientist and tell them about the observation skills scientist use.

7. Create a DIY stamp while learning about W. B. Purvis who invented and patented improvements to the fountain pen, two machines for making paper bags, a bag fastener, a self-inking hand stamp, and several devices for electric railroads.

8.  Play dress up!  Choose an African American history maker and dress up your child like that person. Need some inspiration? Check out Enuique Jones’s Because of them We Can campaign.  Her youtube page and facebook are filled with images of precious children dressed up as famous and lesser known Black history trail blazers.

9. Be inspired by reading this Essence.com’s slide show of how celebrity moms teach their kids about our history and culture.

Mommies, how to you teach Black history and culture to your children?  Are there other ideas you would add to this list? Please share.

Запись 9 Craft Activities That Teach Preschoolers About Black History and Culture впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

The book was swiftly met with protest from parents and teachers.  Most of the critique had to do with the fictional imagery of ‘happy slaves.’   The illustrations present a jubilant slave Hercules along with his daughter Delia, who according to the authors note, “would have been roughly twelve years old at the time of this story, around 1796, [Delia] does not seem to have ever worked at the President’s House in Philadelphia.”  The book goes on to portray Hercules and his daughter as happy about baking a cake for their slave master.  It wasn’t until people took to social media and complained with petitions and the hashtag #SlaveryWithASmile that Scholastic took note and withdrew the book.

Scholastic isn’t the only publishing house pushing the narrative of happy slaves.  Last year the book A Fine Dessert celebrated a dessert called Blackberry Fool.  This book displayed enslaved Africans picking berries with a smile, beating whip cream, joyfully serving masters and hiding in the closet afterwards to lick the bowl. The main theme of  story is the dessert, however the way slavery is depicted has drawn a lot of attention.

The author and illustrator alleged that the book would help children to discuss slavery, but eventually apologized and donated money to the We Need Diverse Books campaign.  The illustrator however defended her work saying that she “thought hard about the smiles” and describes why each particular illustration depicts smiling slaves.

When asked in the comments if she ran her work by people of color during the process of illustrating, she said;

“I agree, in principle, that it’s important to research the communities we depict through illustration. I think illustrating historical subjects is slightly different. I did not explore “what the black community would want” because I’m not even sure how I would go about that. I imagine thinking individuals of color would have a variety of nuanced responses.”

In the aftermath of A Birthday Cake For George Washington, several websites have published list of “honest” books about slavery. Henry’s Freedom Box is on most of these lists and tells the true story of a man who mailed himself in order to escape slavery.  While this book is not saturated with images of smiling enslaved Africans, there is a line in the book that is troublesome.  In the beginning of the book it says that Henry’s master had been “good” to Henry and his family.  What is problematic is that children are led to believe that a slave master can be good. How can you be good to a family while owning owning them? Does the absence of a whip and presence in the house make a good master?  Children might begin to think, ‘If masters were good, was slavery all that bad?  Maybe owning another person is not all that bad if a good person can do it.’

Julian Long, an actor who has worked with Scholastic articulates the problems with publishing #SlavesWithASmile

What you do when you publish an unbalanced, unrealistic, slanted portrayal of the slave/master dynamic (because relationship is too generous a word) is NORMALIZE THE NARRATIVE of white supremacy and Black subjugation. You reinforce the misconception that “slavery wasn’t so bad” and that it “helped Black people in a lot of ways.” You proliferate the horrific notion that slaves and masters had an “understanding” build on respect, kindness and mutual admiration. By publishing this rose-colored retrospective, you suggest that relationships of today might exist similarly, with one race having utter dominion over another and all parties being not only content within such a structure but happy. Gleefully eager to serve. To reinforce these inhumane ideas is an act that precipitates violence. You help form a culture wherein white children can comfortably regard Black children as generally inferior and only a few exceptional ones as deserving basic humanity. You help form a culture where Black children are expected to accept that an exceptional Black man enjoying ALMOST but not quite the same rights and liberties as any average white man is a fair and good. You’ve created a narrative that implies that being the highest slave of the highest order of slavery is an exceptional, and laudable position, and that in this space of servitude, your earned privilege is to rule over others less fortunate than yourself. These are the foundations of violent societies rooted in injustice and inequality.

Moms, have you come across a children’s book about slavery that you approve of?  How do you feel slavery should be presented in children’s literature?  Please share in the comments.

Запись Happy Slaves and Good Masters: As a Black Mother I am Troubled at How American Slavery is Portrayed in Children’s Lit впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Recently I was a member of a black moms Facebook group where the topic of discipline came up frequently. It’s one of those hardline subjects in black culture that folks debate heavily but rarely change their minds on. The main argument in defense of spanking seemed to be that children who are whooped grow up to be respectful and well-behaved and children who are not whooped become hooligans. I believe that conclusion to be fundamentally flawed. For one, prisons are full of black men and women who were beaten heartily by their parents. But it’s also flawed based on my own experience.

I was raised by two ‘beat first, ask questions later’ parents. My parents worked in ministry, so it was essential that my siblings and I know how to behave because we were the resident ‘model family’. My dad regularly took us with him when he preached at various churches, and he had to know that we would not act up or complain. After all, as Christian kids part of our duty to God and our parents was to be well behaved.

By the time I was 15 years old I knew deep down that I would never hit my child. It’s 15 years later, I’ve had two children — one now a toddler and one an infant — and I still feel that way. But this does not mean that my children are not well-behaved. My son, who just got out of the terrible two’s and is knee-deep in the terrible three’s, is a well-adjusted child who rarely acts out. Let me explain why.

1. My goal is not to control his behavior. My goal is to help him manage his emotions.

Control and “good” behavior are not my end goal. I only use the term “well behaved” in the title of this piece because it is a main concern of those who criticize a non-spanking approach. But, to me, good behavior is beside the point.

My son is experiencing how big and exciting the world is and I want him to embrace it without fear. So I encourage him to run, jump, leap, and climb, to touch things and ask endless questions (even though, yes, it does get annoying). How he acts in a grocery store is the least of my concerns.

Being emotional is part of being human. And toddlers feel their emotions very deeply. My goal is to teach my son that his emotions are acceptable, but he must learn how to express them appropriately. So you can cry and be sad that the episode of Sesame Street is over, but you can’t throw a toy in your distress.

2. I take responsibility for his behavior.

And I do this because I feel that, at this age, he is mirroring me. If I’m not treating others respectfully and managing my emotions well, how can I expect him to? I make sure that I am constantly processing my own feelings and communicating clearly and respectfully with my husband. My kids are watching.

3. I understand that tantrums are not isolated incidents

The vast majority of my son’s tantrums boil down to hunger, tiredness/sleepiness or frustration that his sister is getting more attention than him. If most tantrums have a ‘root cause’ it means that I, as a parent, have the ability to stop them before they even begin. Keeping my son well fed, on a good sleep schedule, and making sure he knows that he is loved and included goes a long way towards alleviating poor behavior.

4. I get to the bottom of things before deciding on a course of discipline.

I don’t have eyes in the back of my head, so I don’t always know how things between my children go down. I might be working in one room when I hear my one-year-old daughter cry out. I don’t start by snatching up my son and whooping him. I start by cradling and comforting my daughter and then asking my son what happened. Did he push her because she stepped on one of his Lego creations? Did she take a toy he was playing with? Or was he just being aggressive? Knowing what happened helps me to know what my reaction should be. Also, I want my son to know he can tell me the truth without fear of violent retribution.

Growing up I had two friends whose parents beat them for acting out. What their parents did not know is that they were acting out because they had been sexually abused. I hope I never punish my child for acting in a way that is indicative of a deeper hurt.

5. I explain to my son why people around him act the way they do.

If my aim is to help my son manage his reactions, part of that is helping him make sense of other people’s actions. For example, he hates that his sister is always in his space. I explain to him that she crowds him because she admires and loves him. When he hears this, it makes him smile and he softens towards her. If he can make sense of his world then he can choose appropriate responses to the things that happen to him.

6. I keep him out of situations that are not toddler friendly.

I’m not going to ask my 3 year old to sit quietly and be still for 45 minutes while I do an errand. It’s uncomfortable and stretches the limits of what he’s capable of. He loves to move, touch and be curious, so I keep his daily life centered on those things.

7. I reinforce and consistently vocalize my expectations.

My son knows what my expectations are because I consistently vocalize them and keep him in environments that reinforce what I teach at home. Twice a week he does a full day at a preschool that teaches students in a gentle environment how to play cooperatively and respond to appropriate authority.

The result of all this is that my 3-year-old, who according to cultural norms should be having knock-down, drag-out tantrums multiple times a week/day, is a generally peaceful boy who tantrums very little. More importantly he is learning that his feelings matter, and is developing tools to navigate the world around him.

A lot of people think the no-spank, no-yell approach is yuppie or new-agey or something white people exclusively do. It’s actually none of the above. Native Americans were known for not using corporal punishment on their children.

Native American children prior to European contact seem to have enjoyed an indulged childhood followed by initiation rites, which occurred at the onset of PUBERTY. Born on an average at four-year intervals, they received protracted breast-feeding and the attention of their mothers, who carried them on their backs in cradleboards. Allowed to crawl when they were ready and to run about freely by the age of three, children were not disciplined with corporal punishment. Instead, instructed by their parents and members of the community in tasks designated by gender, they were chastised by shaming. At the onset of menstruation, girls were separated from the group and told to fast. Boys of the same age were isolated, confined, and given substances that induced visions as guides to life. Such practices marked a clear line between childhood and adulthood, as young men and women assumed the tasks designated by their cultures.

In seventeenth-century England, infants were shaped by midwives and then swaddled in the belief that the human body could not support itself. Children were breast-fed for about a year by their mothers or a wet nurse whose care could sometimes be negligent. Because crawling was thought to indicate animal behavior, children were encouraged to remain upright by the use of tight corsets under their long robes, leading strings attached to their shoulders, and standing or walking stools in which they could be left for long periods of time. Both boys and girls were corrected with corporal punishment as they grew.

All parents want their children to grow up to be happy, healthy and well-adjusted. But there are many paths to get there and many disciplinary options outside of spanking. I hope that as a culture we can begin to explore some of them.

Запись No, I Don’t Spank or Yell at My Toddler. Yes, He is Very Well Behaved. впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

While out on a New Year’s Eve run, I passed by a family loading up in their van.

Kids piled in quickly and a woman spoke harshly, “I’ve been calling you and calling you. I’ve been waiting here.”

Uh oh, I smiled to myself thinking of how frustrating it is when I’m ready to leave and my son is taking too long. I felt her pain as I came closer to their driveway then what I heard…

“You’re disrespectful.”

“You don’t listen.”

“This is why you’re never going to do anything.”

While I was able to keep running from those insults and curses, those children could not. My heart broke for them.

I was recently reading about the word gap, the phenomenon that lower income families speak dangerously fewer words to their children. This impacts their vocabulary, the ability to express themselves, and makes school more challenging.

What really got my attention was when researchers analyzed the types of words being spoken to children in low income families, the words were negative, much like what I overheard.

Researchers at Rice found that “by age four, the average child from a family on welfare will hear 125, 000 more words of discouragement than encouragement. When compared to the 560, 000 more words of praise as opposed to discouragement that a child from a high-income family will receive, this disparity is extraordinarily vast.”

Short version: not only do these kids hear fewer words, much of the words they hear are negative. The researchers don’t go into race in their findings, but I think black parents can take valuable insight from this study.

If any children in this country need to hear kindness, it’s black kids. In the era of Black Lives Matter we’ve become critically aware that from education to employment to simply walking down the street, we have so many different challenges thrown at us. So much negativity, judgment, and hate that sometimes ends in death. It’s isolating. It’s painful. It’s damaging.

Yet at the same time, it seems to be a cultural choice that we too must deride, degrade, and humiliate our children under the guise of discipline.

As I turned the corner, I wondered if we don’t believe in, encourage, support, and choose words of love with our own children, who do we expect to nurture them?

If we don’t come to them with love as our language, then why are we bothered when they don’t listen?

Why are we surprised when they trust their friends more than us?

If their mistakes are met with a reminder of everything they did wrong and an onslaught of all their disappointments, why would we ever expect them to come to us for help?

Why do we get mad when it feels like the rest of the world views them as worthless when we use those exact words as regular discipline?

I completely understand that gentle parenting isn’t for everyone, but I believe there still has to be other ways to communicate with our children with less trauma and more love. I believe it starts with the words we use.

For me, in this new year, I’m redoubling my efforts to make love my language not only to my children, but to my husband, my friends, and the world around me. In 2016, love is going to be my language.

Запись Why Speaking Gently to Our Kids is Even More Important in the Era of Black Lives Matter впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

As I search through hundreds and hundreds of books at the library, trying to find books that will engage my children, I am always happy to find those that are authored by some of my favorite celebrities.  In addition to making great music, films or being great athletes or politicians, it is nice to see that they have left a mark in the world of children’s literature as well.

1. Alicia Keys

The Journals of Mama Mae and Lee Lee is an app that follows a little girl LeeLee and her Grandmother who is voiced by Della Reese.  Users can explore original stories and music by Alicia Keys, write in their own journal and play a virtual piano that displays the notes as you play.  Mookey, which continues the Mama Mae series is also available on the iOS platform.  Both apps are available to preview for free and contain in-app purchases for the full versions.  These apps are also the precursor to the printed book Alicia Keys authored titled Blue Moon.

2. LeVar Burton

Many of us grew up watching Reading Rainbow on television.  Now our children can experience Reading Rainbow on their tablets or online.  After Reading Rainbow the television show was taken off the air, Levar Burton and his business partner purchased the rights to the program and created the app.  The app is available to preview for free, and is unlocked with a subscription.

LeVar Burton has also recently authored a book called, The Rhino Who Swallowed the Storm.  This is a unique story that helps children deal with traumatic events in their lives.

3. Whoopi Goldberg

The Sugar Plum Ballerinas is a popular chapter book series aimed at children in grades 2-4.  The series contains six chapter books with illustrations sprinkled throughout the text.

4. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar once said, “If I hadn’t become a professional basketball player, I would have become a history teacher.”  It is no surprise then that he is the author of a children’s books that infuses lessons about Black history.  I found What Color is My World? when I was researching information on African American inventors.  This book starts off with two siblings that are moving into a new home.  They encounter an elder who is helping fix up their new home and learn about many African American inventors.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar also has two other children’s books that he has authored: Sasquatch in the Paint  and Stealing the Game.  Both are basketball themed junior novels.

5. President Barak Obama

Told with elegant prose and illustrations of role models, President Obama pens a letter to his daughter teaching them lessons from great historical figures in Of Thee I Sing.  The letter references figures such as Billie Holiday, Cesar Chavez, Hellen Keller and more.

6. Spike Lee and 7. Tonya Lewis Lee

Some of us may be old enough to remember the classic scene from She’s Gotta Have It, where Mars Blackmon beggs Nola to not break up with him.

Year later, after becoming parents, Spike and Tonya Lee Lewis use this same phrase to author a classic children’s book.  If you have not read Please, Baby, Please to your toddler, you are missing out.  This is one of those books your child will want to hear and read 1, 000 times.  It has beautiful illustrations by Kadir Nelson and lots of repetition, making it one of those books that are easy to memorize.  It is followed by an equally engaging book titled Please, Puppy, Please where siblings plead with their pet to behave.  The couple also authored another children’s book called Giant Steps to Change the World.  This title is aimed at a slightly older children’s audience and encourages children to follow their dreams.

8. Queen Latifah

I cannot describe how elated I was to find Queen of the Scene on the bookshelves of the library.  The book came with a CD which is narrated by Queen Latifah.  It celebrates Black girls in sports, Hip Hop and poetry all at once.  It is illustrated by Frank Morrison and is classic literature for young children.

9. Kim Wayans

Another chapter book series with a Black girl protagonist is the Amy Hodgepodge series by Kim Wayans and her husband Kevin Knotts.  This series follows a formerly homeschooled girl with a multi cultural background as she transitions into public school, meets new friends and embarks on new adventures.

10. Tia and 11. Tamera

Another chapter book that looks like it is headed in the direction of becoming a series is Twintuition. The first book Twintuition: Double Vision is about tween twins Cassie and Caitlyn who are psychic.  The next book, available for pre-order now and due to be released in May of 2016 is called Twintuition: Double Trouble.

12. Ziggy Marley

I love You Too, is an example of how art can take multiple forms.  Written originally as a song, then printed into a physical book, I love You Too is now an interactive app.  Inside the app, children can choose to hear a narration by Ziggy Marley, or parents can individualize the story by adding their own vocal narration.

Ziggy Marley isn’t the only artist to take his song lyrics and convert it into a children’s book.  Bob Marley, Mariah Carey,   Pharrell and Will Smith are other artist whose song lyrics are now considered children’s literature.  It is always fun to listen to the song while turning the pages of the book.  This technique can also aid in having your child learn sight words.

13. Bob Marley –One Love

14.Mariah Carey-All I Want for Christmas

15. Pharrell- Happy

16. Will Smith-Just The Two of Us

I look forward to checking out the following books from the library in 2016.

17.  Jada Pinkett Smith

With photographs of young girls, Jada Pinkett Smith delivers an affirmation of hope and courage to a young generation with Girls Hold Up This World.

18. Dionne Warwick- Say A Little Prayer and Little Man

19. Misty Copeland-Firebird

21. Taye Diggs-Chocolate Me and Mixed Me

22. Garecelle Beauvais-I Am Mixed

23. Tisha Campbell Martin-My Brother Doesn’t Want to Play: Autism From a Siblings Perspective

24. Holly Robinson Pete-My Brother Charlie

25. Nick Cannon-Neon Alien Ate My Homework and Roc and Roe’s Twelve Days of Christmas

26. Shaquille O’Neal- Little Shaq and Little Shaq Takes a Chance

27. LL Cool J-And The Winner Is

28. George Foreman-Let George Do It

29. Terrell Owens- Little T Learns to Share

30. Tiki Barber and 31. Ronde Barber- Babar Game Time Books

32. Common-I Like You but I Love Me and The Mirror and Me

Запись 32 Black Celebrities Who Have Authored Children’s Books and Apps впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.