I had always been curious about camping. Something about a tent, a fire, and marshmallows sounded like a lot of fun, but when I brought it up, no one in my family wanted to sleep on the ground outside when we had perfectly good beds inside.

With a child’s eye, I began to notice that other black families seemed to share their sentiments. I was too young to understand the history behind some of it.  Much like why “black people don’t know how to swim, ” many black people don’t camp for historical reasons such as segregation and violence. Being isolated in the woods was not exactly a welcoming place for blacks not so long ago, and beyond that, camping takes resources such as transportation, time, and equipment that I know, for my parents’ childhoods, would have been a constraint even if Jim Crow hadn’t kept them at home.

That all said, though my parents still can’t swim, they made sure that I can, even if the water is still very frightening to them. Sometimes the best parenting decisions for me are the ones that push me out of my comfort zone, so last year we went camping.

It would be a lie to say I wasn’t a little uneasy. Not having a door to lock unnerved me in a way I hadn’t expected. I felt so exposed. Despite any fears I had, the most negative experience we had was simply being colder than we anticipated.

Life’s not always about climate controlled comfort.

I love how camping challenges the everyday conveniences such as a thermostat. While it’s easy to focus on what’s lacking in the woods, what it offers in return is substantial.

Of course the scenery is great. I used my camera more than I had in years. Plus, you can really see stars. I didn’t realize how bad light pollution was until I was in the middle of a desert looking up. It was like a new sky, one I had never seen.

We had the most amazing conversations.

Out of consistent cell range, the conversations were free of technological distractions. Since we traveled with friends, it offered the perfect time to reconnect.

I was especially impressed by the intense science and nature lessons my then three-year-old son had while we visited different landscapes. With each stop, he learned more than he ever could in a classroom. Coming up on a year later, he’s still talking about climbing boulders and hiking in the desert.

I loved watching my child in the wilderness.

His curiosity had never been so strong. Always a child with a question, he was absorbed with all the new sights, sounds, and smells. He loved all the opportunities to climb, touch, run, and jump.

Though we go to zoos and watch nature programs, coming up on a wild elk on a trail is very different than seeing one on display. It stirs a whole different part of the soul. I realized if I want my son to be inspired to study science, the best way to accomplish this is just to take him camping.

I wasn’t surprised when I saw that studies have shown that nature exposure increases observation and creativity, reduces stress levels, and helps children with ADD perform better at school. Similarly other studies show that children who have regular experiences outside show more advanced motor skills including balance, coordination, and agility.

My son wasn’t thinking in these research terms. He was just having fun. He can’t wait to sleep in the tent again.

He’s not the only one. The trip came at a pretty stressful time in our lives, yet being surrounded by all that beauty brought me an unexpected calm. I wasn’t surprised later to read that nature is good for mental health. It’s hard not to see the beauty and wonder in life when you’re standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon or looking up at Redwoods so tall they never seem to end.

Now that I’m a person who camps, I have another shared experience with millions of others.

I love that my kids will grow up relating to that experience. They will feel that part of the world belongs to them too. This will contribute to their success because they won’t be held back by stereotypes of what they do and don’t do just because of their race.

Запись Why I Reclaimed My Relationship with the Outdoors as a Black Woman and Went Camping впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

By Alicia Barnes, liciabobesha.com

When I was pregnant, I felt sorry for my husband. I knew our child was going to be brown, lighter than me but still brown like me. I knew he was going to have thick curls that turned into an afro before he could even hold his own head up. I felt bad because my husband would be the fair face in all of our photos and that it would be hard for him not to have his kids look like him.

Then I gave birth, and had I not given birth at home, and had the baby not look so much like my husband, I may have doubted he was my own:

To my complete surprise, I was the parent who didn’t look like the child, and I was right to worry it would be hard for D because when families don’t match people’s expectations, they can say awful rude things to strangers under the excuse of curiosity.

So the photos from the recently released book, A Beautiful Body Project  have been flooding my facebook wall. The project is a collection of photos focusing on the real bodies of mothers without airbrushing out the stretch marks, sagging skin, wrinkles, fat, or any perceived imperfections. A noble cause that speaks to many women, yet the comments I saw about this photo made my heart sink:

“Adopted?”

“I don’t think any negative was meant by the adopted children comment. I too assumed they were adopted as they look a different race than the mother.”

Let me say this as clearly and directly as I can, birth is not a qualifier for motherhood. A photo essay about mothers should rightfully include adoptive mothers, or mothers as I call them.

Also, shared race is not a qualifier of being a mother to a child. In the photo in question, I saw a mother and her two daughters. When I looked at their faces, I saw the mother’s eyes and nose present in her daughters. Unfortunately, too many people never get that far.  They never look at the faces or into eyes. They never see people. They only see that the skin is different, and suddenly they are vocally in public calling into question someone’s parenthood.

Some of us birth kids who don’t look like us, and it’s hurtful for people to question our status.

It’s upsetting that people’s minds more easily go to adoption than to interracial relationship to explain a photo like that even when there’s physical resemblance.

It’s upsetting that even in 2014, it’s not even in the realm of possibility in some people’s minds that these kids are biologically hers and they automatically assign her the role as adopter while minority moms with fair kids are too often assumed to be the nanny.

I know it’s hurtful from the mom perspective. I can’t imagine it’s nice from the children’s perspective to have strangers seeming to question the validity of their families. I know people are not meaning to be malicious. I’ve had people use it as a conversation opener to tell me about their family members who don’t look like they belong, but the fact is by bringing it up, you’re telling someone you think their family doesn’t belong together, at least visually, and that’s no good.

Because I know most communities are still very segregated and homogenous, I am writing this post to say, what someone’s family looks like is not polite conversation, and while you may just be curious, your curiosity is not an excuse to tell people their families don’t match. It’s not ok to ask people where they got their kids from. It’s not ok to ask people if their kids are adopted if you’re only looking for confirmation of why their skin doesn’t match. There are ways to have kind conversations about race and adoption that aren’t based assumptions that insult people’s families. The key to me is to first realize they are people and they are families and to ground your comments and questions in that knowledge. By doing so, any simple curiosity questions of matching disappear because matching is irrelevant, and you’ll realize what you probably want to say is oh look at that beautiful family.

I am not the only voice in this conversation. Here are other people’s stories to consider:

What Adopting a White Girl Taught One Black Family 

As a black father and adopted white daughter, Mark Riding and Katie O’Dea-Smith are a sight at best surprising, and at worst so perplexing that people feel compelled to respond.[…] And the time when well-intentioned shoppers followed Mark and Katie out of the mall to make sure she wasn’t being kidnapped. Or when would-be heroes come up to Katie in the cereal aisle and ask, “Are you OK?”—even though Terri is standing right there.
“I’ve never felt more self-consciously black than while holding our little white girl’s hand in public.” He used to write off the negative attention as innocent curiosity.

***

10 Things You Should Never Say To The Parent Of A Mixed Race Child

7. “Is he yours?”

This only happens when my husband and I are together. He’s clearly black, I’m clearly white. There is always a pause and a quizzical look when I introduce him or he introduces me. Now, this could be just because of the different family dynamics that exist in our world today – maybe it has nothing to do with the fact that we are different races. But I can’t help but think that it does. I think we look like a family and I’m not quite sure why this confuses people sometimes.

***
NOPE! I’M NOT THE NANNY, JUST A BLACK MOM, THANKS

Is that your baby? The question, though not intentionally malicious, implies, of course, that I am more likely the nanny, not the mother. But it cuts deeper than that. It’s actually asking me to claim my child, to prove that I am the true owner. It is an affront to nothing short of our identities.

Some background: I’m black and my husband is white. Our little sweet potato is a clear merger of these genetic facts. On some level, this question is merely a result of a failure of imagination, the inability of others to envision our connection. But it’s also based on twisted assumptions about race, entitlement and socioeconomics.

***

Talking to My Biracial Child About Why People Think She’s Adopted

“And in the grand scheme of things, getting asked all the time if you’re adopted is probably one of the less annoying/irritating things about racism. Sure, people are curious. As a curious person myself, I don’t begrudge people their questions. But I wonder, as the world becomes more and more multicultural if there will come a time when it won’t seem so unusual to see a brown child with a white mom and immediately wonder if the child is adopted.”

***
No, I’m not the nanny: When you don’t look like your kids

“Walking around in Brooklyn, people just assumed I was the nanny, ” she says. “One woman actually suggested I get DNA testing done because perhaps my baby had been switched at the hospital — ‘because they can make mistakes, ‘ is what she said.”

***

I’m Not the Nanny: a site for mothers who are raising multiracial kids that may not look like them:

“As the mom of biracial children, I’ve been mistaken for the nanny, depending on which DC Metro park I visit. I started this site as a way to share the challenges and joys of raising biracial children.”

Have you had any experiences with strangers saying something they shouldn’t?  How did you respond? 

Alicia lives in a small college town that often challenges her resolve to live as simply and as stress-free as possible. When she’s not working, rereading the same children’s books, cooking, or wondering how crunchy she’s become, she’s busy updating her site,  liciabobesha.com. You can follow her on facebook.

Запись What Strangers Shouldn’t Say to My Interracial Family That Doesn’t “Match” впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

I can still see it — feel it — as clear as yesterday. Four years ago, I had walked to the bodega on the corner of my Brooklyn block and stepped into a rude awakening. All it took was one question, four words, from the man behind the lottery desk to completely cut me to the core: Is that your baby?

He wasn’t the first person to throw this query my way. I had maybe heard it three or four other times while out strolling my baby boy through the hipster BK streets. But this was the time when something clicked — when I stopped pretending the whole thing was some odd coincidence, when the insult of it all sunk in.

Is that your baby? The question, though not intentionally malicious, implies, of course, that I am more likely the nanny, not the mother. But it cuts deeper than that. It’s actually asking me to claim my child, to prove that I am the true owner. It is an affront to nothing short of our identities.

Some background: I’m black and my husband is white. Our little sweet potato is a clear merger of these genetic facts. On some level, this question is merely a result of a failure of imagination, the inability of others to envision our connection. But it’s also based on twisted assumptions about race, entitlement and socioeconomics.

Black woman pushing a baby who’s the color of milky tea in a stroller and they are in high-end Brooklyn? Oh, then she must be the babysitter. In fact, let’s ask her what her rates are, and if she’s available to take on another job. (Yes, I’ve had other mothers of color tell me this has happened to them.)

Is that your baby?

“Of course he’s my baby, dummy!” That’s what I wanted to say, and a few times I came so close to dropping propriety and my Canadian disposition to say exactly that (with a few spicy words and some Biggie Smalls lyrics mixed in because, Brooklyn).

Yes, he’s my baby, the tiny person who I have loved from the moment I saw him in the 2D grey-scale glossy photo, the size of a shimmying peanut. But here you come, a stranger with four words, to pierce the bubble of joy and love and pride. It’s galling. It’s rude. And it’s unnecessary.

Actually, I have some questions for your question: Why do you need to know? How is it going to change our impending interaction? Will you temper what you say based on my relationship to the baby? Does my family’s particular genetic breakdown need to be an open book in order to help calm your “just curious” mind? I’ve been waiting an unreasonable amount of time for those answers. (YOU AIN’T GOT THE ANSWERS, SWAY!)

And I’m not alone, sadly. Countless mothers of color, mothers of mixed heritage families andtransracial adoptions can add their tasteless stories to the sour stew. People asking these women inappropriate things about their kids like, “What country did you get them?” and “What are they — really?” or “Will you teach them their mother tongue?” Come on, man.

It would be laughable if it weren’t so disrespectful and humiliating. The bigger question is: what’s with the need to squeeze others (and especially The Other) into a pre-existing framework, i.e., all families should look the same and alike?

The choreography to this rhythmless dance we’re doing around race and progress in this country can leave your head spinning. Three steps forward: Black President in the White House. Two steps back: Interracial family in a Cheerios commercial causes absurd panic on the Internet. And get ready for the low dip: Fogey Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen writes about “people with conventional views [repressing] a gag reflex when considering the mayor-elect of New York — a white man married to a black woman and with two biracial children.” Gag reflex? Good Lord, I’m afraid and a little heartsick thinking about how this uneven waltz might end.

As I moved deeper into motherhood, I heard this questionable question less and less. (Except for the time I got nanny’d by the furniture delivery guy this summer. But that was more about class than children, and definitely a story for another time.) Maybe it’s because my son, now 4.5 years old, looks a lot like me, or it could be the fact that he basically says “mama-mama-mama-mama” on loop when we’re out together that strangers don’t come at me with “Is that your baby?” anymore. But this doesn’t mean that the question has been retired.

People still feel fine letting the most impolite things leave their mouths around mothers of mixed heritage families. I’m even writing a book about this and the many other challenges mothers of color stare down on the daily. It’s called “Nope! Not the Nanny: Stories of Race and Motherhood, ” and it’s my resounding answer to the question: Is that your baby?

What’s the most outrageous thing anyone has asked or said to you about your mixed heritage family? Tweet me and add #NotTheNanny.

This post was re-published from XOJane.com.

Запись I’m Mistaken for the Nanny When Out with My Bi-Racial Son впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Introduce yourself!
D: Hello everyone! I’m DeAnna, and I’m writing you from the beautiful state of Colorado. I have lived here for the past 23 years, but I originally hail from the great state of Texas. I am a stay-at home mother, and have been since a few months before my son was born. In my former life, I worked for many years in retail management. Then I went back to school to become a psychotherapist. I plan on opening a private practice and seeing adults and teenagers once both of my children are in school full-time.

I am a happily married mommy (: I met my husband when we were both in college many moons ago. We’ve been married since 2007. He is my best friend, and I am glad that he is by my side as we go through this journey called life.

Tell us about your children.
D: I have two children. A boy I call George who is 3, and a girl I call Georgina who is almost 4 months. I would describe my children as awesome ? George just started part-time preschool this fall and he is full of questions, many of which he likes to ask over and over and over. and over. :p He makes my husband and I laugh a lot, and he is just an all-around great kid. Georgina currently enjoys grabbing her feet, rolling from back to front (and then crying because she doesn’t know what to do next, ) and smiling at most everyone she meets. She currently doesn’t enjoy wearing socks.

Tell us about your births.
D: When I was pregnant with George, I decided early on that I wanted to try to have an unmedicated, low intervention birth. I read a bunch of books and watched the documentaries The Business of Being Born and Pregnant in America. Both of these films talk about the medical establishment and how its goals are not always in line with the goals of parents. To make a long story short, I went in for my 40-week appointment and was told that I was on the verge of having pre-eclampsia. I was feeling fine, but the doctor that saw me suggested I be admitted that day. I ended up being admitted the next day, given Cytotec to open my cervix, had my water “accidentally” broken by the nurse as she was checking me, dilated to 10 centimeters, and then pushed for over 2 hours (even though I never felt the urge) trying to get George to come down the birth canal. It wasn’t happening, so I was told by the doctor that I needed to have a c-section. I always knew that birth plans don’t always go “according to plan, ” so I had read in my books what to do if/when you are going in for a caesarean. Healthy mama, healthy baby was the outcome–which is always the ultimate goal. I also knew that I had consented to everything that happened during the birth process, so I wasn’t too broken up about it. (Actually, I was feeling a little broken up about it immediately afterwards, but I told myself that that was totally normal. I also said that if I was still feeling upset about it several months later, that I would look into going to talk to someone about my feelings. When that time came, I was feeling fine–so I didn’t feel the need to follow up.)

With Georgina, I was kind of on the fence as to whether I just wanted to schedule another C-section or try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean.) I did end up scheduling a caesarean, but I pushed my doctor to make it as far out as possible. I also started googling “how to have a successful VBAC”, and everything that I read said to hire a doula. I hadn’t been too keen on a doula the first time around, I thought it seemed artificial having some woman you didn’t know hanging around during one of the most important and personal times of your life. But I met with two, and really clicked with one, so I hired her. Four days before Georgina’s due date (Saturday, ) I started having contractions, but they weren’t that strong or that regular. Sunday, I was having contractions and they were getting stronger, but still not regular. That evening I was out to dinner with my husband and when I went to the bathroom I saw that I lost my mucus plug. I got really excited, because that was not something that had happened with George. I called my doula and told her what had been going on and she was like, “That’s great! Feel free to call me again if anything changes.”

Monday morning, I woke up and the contractions were getting stronger and more regular. I called my doula and asked her to come over. She got there around 10:30 or 11. I labored at home for several hours. During the contractions, I would say to myself “relax and breathe”, and just got in whatever position I felt most comfortable. My doula did acupressure, aromatherapy and massage, and always had suggestions for whatever questions I posed to her. We walked to a park nearby and also had lunch. At about 7:30 or 8, my contractions were close to 5-1-1 (five minutes apart, one minute long for an hour, ) and I decided that I was ready to go to the hospital. My husband and I drove there and she followed us in her car. When the nurse checked me at the hospital, she said I was 5 to 6 cm dilated. I had wanted to be 7 or more, but both the nurse and my doula were very happy with 5-6. After talking to the doctor on duty, the nurse also said it would be okay for me to have intermittent monitoring and to get into the tub if I wanted. I was really happy to hear that, because my OB had told me that neither of those things would be possible with a VBAC. So, I got checked in and decided I wanted to get into the tub.

I got out of the tub after a few minutes, and eventually it was time to start my intermittent monitoring and also put in my hep lock (the beginning stage of an IV). As the nurse was putting in my hep lock, I felt this really strange sensation and yelled out, “Something’s happening!” That something was my water breaking. The nurse checked me and said that I was complete, and that it was time to start pushing! My husband and I were both surprised and excited that it had happened so quickly. A part of me also started to get a little apprehensive, because the pushing phase was where I felt like things had started to go downhill with my first birth. This was when I came closest to freaking out, I felt like I had lost my center a little bit. But my doula was there to calm me down and suggested that I make noises from deep in my belly instead of my chest, because that would give me more power for pushing. I followed her advice, and after 20 minutes of pushing, Georgina was born. Both my husband and I were in a daze saying, “I did it!” “You did it!” over and over. It was a great experience, and I am so glad that it turned out the way that I hoped.

I feel really lucky to have been able to have the experience of two different ways of bringing a baby into this world. You can never predict how things are going to go down, and I am happy that the 2nd time around I had a staff that was onboard with trying to help me have the kind of birth that I wanted. I also know that having a c-section is not the end of the world. It truly is about having a healthy mom and healthy baby. I went into the VBAC knowing that I might end up with another c-section, and that would have been fine with me. I just knew that I wanted to try for a VBAC, and if I didn’t at least try for one, I would probably regret it. I’m glad that I listened to myself, and wasn’t afraid to go after something that I wanted.

Did you breastfeed? How did you balance breastfeeding and managing your home?
D: Yes, I breastfed my son for 10 months. My goal was a year, but he started biting me. Having your nipple bitten feels exactly like what you think it feels like–it hurts!! There are suggestions on the internet for what you can do when biting happens, and I tried some of those, but they didn’t work. I was pretty much over it at that point, so I quit without any regrets. I hope to nurse my daughter for as long as I did my son, but I am not going to beat myself up over it if it doesn’t happen. I chose to breastfeed my children because breast milk is full of magic ? It helps your children build healthy immune systems, promotes bonding between mama, and baby, and helps you lose weight after you’ve given birth. Plus formula is dang expensive. As far as managing it, I just try to do the things that I can do while breastfeeding, like being on the computer, reading, or journaling. I will also spend time gazing lovingly into Georgina’s eyes if the mood strikes.

How do you carve out time for yourself?
D: I like to consider myself a pretty organized person that always has short-term, mid-range, and long-term goals. Pretty much every morning I will make myself a to-do list of what I would like to get accomplished that day. I have a number of systems in place that help my household run as smoothly as possible. I carve out time for myself, by first recognizing that time for myself is important. I cannot be a good mom and wife if I am not first a good DeAnna. I make it a priority, just like all the other things that are important to me. To give just one example, I get up a few times a week at 5:15 a.m. to work out, because I love the way that I feel during and after a workout. It also makes me happy knowing that I am doing what I can to keep my body healthy so that I can hopefully be around for my husband and kids for a long, long time.

What is your biggest parenting challenge right now.
D: With my son, I would say staying patient when he tests boundaries in the way that all 3-year-olds do. With my daughter I would say taking the bottle, so that I can be away from her for more than an hour at a time.

Who is your child-rearing support group?
D: We live close to both sets of grandparents, and they offer us much appreciated support. My mom comes over once a week and stays with our kids so I can run errands, hang out with friends or just do whatever. Sometimes I don’t have anything planned and all four of us just spend time together. My in-laws also watch our son one night on the weekend, so that my husband and I can have date night (with our daughter, who makes a very cute third wheel ? My husband takes a very active role in child-rearing. Once he gets home from work and on the weekends, we basically tag team to make sure that both children’s needs are being met.

How do you determine your kids are well-adjusted?
D: They both are quick to smile. I try to have a consistent routine for both of them, because children thrive on structure. Our son often tells us that he loves us. He gets along well with others, and neither child has any issues that are of any major concern to us. ::knock on wood::

What is the most important value, ideal or philosophy that you would like to impart to your children?
D: I would like for both of my children to be kind and compassionate people that treat every living being they encounter with dignity and respect.

What advice would you give to a new mom?
D: Oh boy. I love to give advice and I love to get advice. I always ask people I meet that have been married a long time what they think the secret is to a happy marriage. (Their answers always contain some variation of, “Stick it out through the hard parts.”) And when I was pregnant with George, I loved to hear advice from people that had already been doing the mom thing.

One piece of advice I really like is “A baby never died from crying.” If you ever feel yourself getting really stressed, it is always ok to put the baby down in a safe place and go somewhere away from the crying to calm down for a bit. Babies’ cries are meant to stress us out, that’s how they ensure that someone will come to them and take care of them.

Remember that your kids are not your property, they are their own separate human beings, with thoughts, feelings and desires. You should certainly do what you can to mold their behavior, but you cannot control them. What you can control is how you respond to them.

Read to your kids. It is never to early to start, and even when it seems like they don’t know what’s going on, I can assure you they are getting something out of it. Put your baby to bed drowsy, but not asleep. Try not to argue in front of your children. Studies have shown that even babies that are just a few months old–their blood pressure goes up when they hear people arguing.

Learn about child development so you know what is reasonable and unreasonable to expect from your child behaviorally at different ages.

Control what media your children are exposed to. Violence and sexual images are not appropriate for children, they are not developmentally ready to process them.

Don’t let your whole identity become that of “Mommy.” If you sacrifice everything for your children, you will undoubtedly begin to resent them if and when they don’t give you what you are expecting in return for such a sacrifice.

Don’t let your pride keep you from apologizing to your children when you screw up. Our children need to know that we are not perfect and that we make mistakes. We can model for them how to act when someone else is hurt due to our mistakes. Finally and most importantly: On a daily basis, strive to show your children through your words and actions that you love them unconditionally. You are probably the most important person to them in the world, and it is vital to show them that you think they are pretty great too ?

DeAnna is a new writer for Baby and Blog! Look out for more content from her in the coming weeks ?

Запись Baby Love: DeAnna, George and Georgina впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Introduce yourself.
A: My name is Alicia and I live in Raleigh, NC. I’m a working mom – I teach in the classroom during the day, and I teach an online class in the evenings.

I am married to one super-awesome stay-at-home-dad/comic-book writer. (We all wear a lot of hats in this house.)

Tell us about your children.
A: We have one child – Miss Petals, age 2. She is smart, hilarious (sometimes downright cheeky), high energy, sweet, and willful. Not only do I never know what she’s going to say, I also am never quite sure how she will react to new situations. She keeps me on my toes!

Tell us about your birth experience.
A: Interestingly enough, everyone knew that it was time for me to have the baby before I did. I was in the library with my students, helping them get started on a research project, when the librarian tells me that I have a very important phone call. I take the phone and one of the hospital nurses tells me that it’s time for me to come in and have my baby. “Umm…no, I feel fine, ” I replied. She informed me that I had some serious preeclampsia symptoms and would need to be induced…and that she’s already called my husband to tell him when she couldn’t get a hold of me. I turned around to see that the office and media staff, who knew that the hospital had called, had already gathered, eyes shining, just waiting for me to tell them the good news…that they knew before I did. Nearly two days and several labor inducing attempts later, the tiny baby was looking at my entire family with confusion.

Did you breastfeed?
A: I breastfed for nine months – and I would have done longer, I think, but the stress of pumping at home and at work was too great. As hard as it is to get away from the classroom for a quick bathroom break, it was even harder to get away for fifteen minutes every few hours. A couple of times, someone even tried to unlock and walk into my classroom, despite the covered windows, the cow sign on the door, and me yelling “SOMEONE’S IN HERE!”.

How do you balance work and motherhood? How do you carve out time for yourself?
A: This is a question that I still struggle with. Occasionally (and I hang my head in shame as I type this) I answer emails or grade papers from my iPhone while the kid climbs on things – or I step outside to make phone calls while she watches Sid the Science Kid.

What is your biggest parenting challenge right now?
A: Having a toddler. Actually, scratch that. Potty-training a toddler.

Who is your child-rearing support group?
A: My family (our families) is (are) very close – and her grandparents, aunts, and uncles are always happy to watch Petals, when they can. Besides that, my husband stays at home with Petals most days (she goes to daycare on Fridays) until I get home from work. Then he leaves for work and I hang with Petals until she goes to sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat. On Monday and Wednesday nights grandparents come over so that I can actually get work done (grading papers, responding to emails, making parent phone calls, lesson planning, progress reports, online meetings) and the other days we both do the best we can. We’re tired, but we’re making it work.

How do you determine that Petals is well-adjusted?
A: With two-year-olds, it’s hard to tell. Right now, she listens relatively well. She’s becoming more and more independent. She TALKS a ton! She is quite attached to both her father and me. She gives hugs and kisses, she loves school and learning. I think she’s doing okay.

What is the most important value, ideal or philosophy that you want to impart to your children?
A: Her father and I would say we are “spiritual, not religious” – mostly because we want her to listen to and follow the truth that is in her heart, rather than dogma. We want her to know that she’s fantastic – no matter who she is – and to set her moral compass by having respect for life and the lives of others.

What advice would you give to a new mom?
A: You’re probably not doing it “right” – whatever “right” is – but that’s okay, because none of us are. And if you are doing it right, could you give me a call and let me know what that is?

Alicia is a new writer for Baby and Blog! Look out for more content from her in the coming weeks ?

Запись Baby Love: Alicia and Petals впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Introduce yourself.
A: Hello! My name is Aja and I live in Brooklyn, NY. I am a stay at home wife and mother. Before that I was a model based in NYC for many years.

I am a happily married mommy ? My husband, Paul, is a Scotland native who has lived in NYC long enough to be considered a Brooklynite but not long enough to be rid of his amazing accent ?

Tell us about your children:
A: I have two children, praise God! ? Lily-Grace is 27 months old. She is gorgeous, super intelligent (don’t know where that came from because her father and I are really not that smart ;), hilarious, sensitive sweet, friendly and very very funny. I would say her favorite past times are reading the Bible, dancing and squealing with joy! I would consider her a strong willed child.

My new son, Theo, is 4 months old and he is SUCH a joy! Honestly, he is BEYOND joy! He’s handsome, sweet, loves to laugh and giggle and get kisses and he is ALWAYS smiling! He’s HUGE at nearly 20 lbs (our family has big genes) and so far he is pretty much the perfect baby. I’m saying that because I know how it is to have a more demanding baby (temperamentally speaking), and he is SOOO chill! He sleeps through the night like a dream and can go a whole day, easily, without crying. He really only cries when he’s hungry. I’m LOVING the infant stage with him!!!

Tell us about your births.
A: I hesitate to go too in depth with my birth stories because they were both pretty traumatic, but since you asked I’ll try to abbreviate. Lily-Grace was born by c-section after 42 hours of grueling, drug free back labor. It turned out she had the chord wrapped around her arm, leg and neck, so while her heart rate was fine, she wasn’t descending. We started out at a birthing center but she ended up being born in hospital. We call her our first miracle baby.

Theo was born by emergency vacuum delivery after nearly 20 hours of labor. His delivery was a complete nightmare! He had shoulder dystocia. When the doctor got his head out, the chord was around his neck, so he cut it, only to find that they couldn’t get him out because his shoulder was trapped under my pelvis. They called what is called a “code” and about 30 hospital staff ran in the room and a woman basically beat my pelvis with her fists to apply counter pressure in order to get him out. When he finally came out he was deep blue, limp and silent. His first APGAR score was 3. My husband and I were traumatized and all we could do was pray. In that few minutes, his second APGAR score went up to 8! Hallelujah! ? We were both in the hospital for 6 days after that; Theo, in the NICU and me recovering from a badly bruised pelvis. I guess that just makes what a sweet baby he is that much more of a blessing because we almost didn’t make it. My children were 4 and 5 days late and 8.12 and 9.9 lbs respectively…

Did you breastfeed? How do you balance breastfeeding and managing your household?
A: I breastfed my daughter for 16 months. I stopped with her because I was pregnant with my son who was a huge baby from very early in utero and it was uncomfortable. Also, her doctor assured me that she wouldn’t be losing any nutrients by weening her since she was really nursing strictly for comfort at that time.

Theo is exclusively breastfed. Both of my kids were/are exclusively breastfed, which means they don’t get any bottles. It’s the only form of attachment parenting I adhere to. It works because I’m at home. Sometimes it can be annoying. I really can’t go anywhere for more than a few hours without the baby, but it gets easier once they start solid foods. I also don’t have to worry about cleaning or disinfecting any bottles. I pretty much end up spending a lot of time sitting down with the baby, but the first few months go by so fast anyway and then you really get used to it. Now he nurses every 3-4 hours and sleeps completely through the night. My daughter woke up a lot until we sleep trained her at 7 months, so it was a lot harder on me with her. My husband traveled a lot at the time so he wouldn’t have been there to give her a bottle most of the time anyway.

How do you balance work and motherhood? How do you carve out time for yourself?
A: I don’t work outside the home, so motherhood really IS my work. I’d say I’m better at the motherhood part than the wife-dom part, for now, but I’m working on it ? The carving out time for yourself question is funny. I don’t really know if I DO carve out a lot of time for myself, but I guess I’m ok with it. If I’m not, my husband can usually sense it and encourages me to go out for a shopping day or takes me out to lunch. Also, he puts our daughter to bed and does bath time duty, which gives me a little time to unwind in the evening. Once the kids are down, we like to watch documentaries on Netflix. We’re the most exciting couple in Brooklyn, I just know it! haha ?

Oh, we also share a nanny with close friends of ours and our daughter goes off with her and their son two days a week for the day. That REALLY helps a lot too! On those days I catch up on cleaning and rest, but the hours go by WAY faster than should be humanly possible! She is definitely one of the hugest God-sends in our life by far!

What is your biggest parenting challenge right now?
A: Some major challenges that God has been working on in my heart are with control and anger. I’m pretty easy going but being in a high stress environment like being around a strong-willed toddler 18 hours a day has its extreme challenges! I’m actually very much a scatterbrain, so I tend to try to create a very controlled environment in order to keep a sense of order around me. That doesn’t work so much for two year olds most of the time! The time when we brought my son home was REALLY trying! My daughter, understandably, needed some adjusting and that came in the form of acting out a lot. Instead of getting mad all the time, I really had to learn how to give her extra love, patience and attention. She’s not the type of kid who asks for it, but she really needs it! God has really been teaching me through her how to be more patient, attentive and demonstratively affectionate because I’m not that way naturally. I am really thankful for the lessons He is giving me through her.

Who is your child-rearing support group?
A: We are Christians and thank God, we have a number of friends our age with children our children’s age who all live in the same neighborhood! We also have friends here who don’t have kids, but love us and our kids! My mom lives in another state and comes up sometimes to help out, too.

My husband is a very busy and driven photographer. He is also a GREAT and fun dad! He helps with dinner time, bath and bedtime when he gets home in time and on the weekends, or when he is off, he chips in by taking my daughter out and entertaining her so I can get breaks and naps when necessary. He LOVES kids and used to teach Sunday school at church. My kids are REALLY blessed to have him for a father!

How do you determine that your kids are happy and well-adjusted?
A: I seek the Kingdom of God first and trust God’s promise that all else will be added unto me. The well being of my husband, children and me fall under that umbrella.

What is the most important value, ideal or philosophy that you want to impart to your children?
A: My purpose as a mother is to encourage and raise children who love God with all of their heart, soul, mind and strength and love others as they love themselves. If my children grow up to have a real, thriving, fulfilling relationship with Jesus, I will feel accomplished!

What advice would you give to a new mom?
A: Probably take the scripture above to heart; Matthew 6:33. Seek the Kingdom of God first and live righteously and all else will be added to you. Make your relationship with God the number one priority in life and He will ordain the rest. Trust Him.

Aja is a new writer for Baby and Blog! Look out for more content from her in the coming weeks ?

Запись Baby Love: Aja, Lily-Grace and Theo впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Introduce yourself!
V: Hi! I’m Vanessa and my husband and I just moved to Durham, North Carolina from Los Angeles, CA where I lived my entire life.

I am now a SAHM after working for two years in higher education. I was the Director of Admissions for a small university in LA. But when our daughter came along in December of 2012, I realized I wanted to be with her for the first few years while she’s young – I didn’t want to miss anything because of work. My husband has a full-time job in the software industry so we are making ends meet on his income. It is still taking a bit of rearranging with our finances to live solely on one income but the payoff of being able to stay home is worth it.

I’ve been married since April 2011.

Tell us about your children.
V: So far, we only have one. A little girl named Kennedy Rae. She is pure joy. Seriously, I didn’t know I could love anyone as much as I love her. She is 9 months old and just started crawling and pulling herself up onto furniture and standing alone for a few seconds at a time. She started eating fingers foods, like o-shaped cereal and small pieces of fruit. I love to hear her “talk”, laugh and see her smile.

Tell us about your birth.
V: Kennedy was due January 11th but I started getting serious contractions on Christmas Eve — two and a half weeks before her due date. I didn’t think much of them at 10:30 pm when they started because I had been feeling Braxton Hicks contractions all month long (I would have a contraction here and there but nothing consistent). After a couple hours, when these contractions didn’t go away I decided to sit in the bathtub hoping the warm water would help them subside. It was 1 am when I decided to do this. I sat there for 30 minutes and they eventually went away. So, I got up and went to bed. Then, I woke up at 2:15 am in excruciating pain that caused me to roll out of bed and onto the floor. I was on all fours at our bedside for a couple minutes then decided to move to the living room, so my husband could sleep. My goal for delivery was to labor at home for as long as possible and then go to the hospital when I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. Up until then, the contractions were bearable. They hurt, but I didn’t feel like I was going to die. Which, by the way, I think the media sets women up to think. All the movies and TV shows that show a woman in labor make it look like she is dying or close to it. It looks awful and scary and terrible. But the truth is that contractions just felt like more intense period cramps, which I have every month already.

Anyway, I wanted my husband to sleep as long as possible because 1.) he is a hot mess when he’s tired and 2.) I didn’t really need him to do much for me just yet. So from 2:15 to 5:45 I laid in our living room floor next to our furnace with a blanket I stole from our couch. Rocking back and forth from being on all fours to laying on my side. Contractions would come and go and in between them I was able to sleep for 5 minutes stints. But at 5:45, I couldn’t take it anymore. By this time my husband was up pacing the house, not really doing anything but mindlessly picking things up and putting them back down. Looking busy. He was nervous. I told him I think we needed to go to the hospital. He said, “Okay, um, let me just wash the dishes so they won’t sit in the sink while we’re gone.” I said “Okay, yeah, that’s a god idea.” Literally 5 seconds later I had a monster contraction and looked at my husband and said, “No. We need to go to the hospital NOW.” So, off we went. We got there at 6:15 am and when I walked through the doors, I was making all kinds of moose sounds. The nurses opened up a room for me and checked me to see how far along I was. The first thing the nurse said to me was, “Oh! you’re complete. You’re ready to push.” I said, “What?! Really? Oh, Lord. Oh sh*t.” And so, I pushed for 30 minutes and our beautiful baby girl was born at 6:47 am. 6lbs 4.5 oz and 19 inches long.

Do you breastfeed? How do you juggle breastfeeding and managing your home?
V: Yes, I breastfeed. I am still breastfeeding. It allows Kennedy and I to continue to foster our mother-daughter bond. Also, I wanted to overcome the challenge of breastfeeding and see if I could actually stick with it for at least a year. And I breastfeed because it’s free. Since I don’t work, I do not have to worry about bottles and pumping (except for when my husband and I leave Kennedy with a sitter) or reactions to milk or soy based formula.

What is your biggest parenting challenge right now?
V: My biggest parenting challenge right now is getting Kennedy to sleep through the night. She still wakes up, on average, twice a night. I know she is capable of sleeping through the night but she wakes up out of habit. She will cry until I offer the breast but once I do, she’ll only feed for a couple minutes before she’s asleep again. That’s how I know she’s only doing it out of habit and not because she’s really hungry. I’m working on trying to shorten the feedings so hopefully she’ll eventually stop waking up so often.

Who is your child-rearing support group?
V: When I was living in LA, I had an enormous amount of support as a new mom. I was part of a parent-education class that met weekly, part of a women’s mentoring group that consisted of several mothers and a group of moms that met in the park for a playdate every week. Some might say it was social overload, but I didn’t have any siblings or close family accessible to help with the induction to motherhood (outside my own mother who is a great help, but not a peer) like some women do. So, it was really necessary for me. I am still on my journey trying to get plugged into support groups in our new city.

My husband is great with Kennedy. He is very helpful with diaper changes, feedings and taking her off my hands when he comes home from work so I can do other things (usually cook dinner) without having to keep her entertained.

How do you determine that your daughter is well-adjusted?
V: When my child is not crying, I figure she’s well adjusted. ? Kennedy smiles and laughs a lot. She is not afraid to be held by strangers or be close to dogs or other animals. I think those are signs that she’s well adjusted for her age.

What is the most important value, ideal or philosophy that you want to impart to your daughter?
V: I really hope that one day, when she is older, she decides to follow Jesus. I will do my best to show her what it means to follow him but I know that I am the farthest thing from perfect and will mess up along the way. I just hope that she develops a positive view of God during her childhood so she will trust him when she’s an adult.

What advice would you give to a new mom?
V: Cuddle with your baby a lot. Talk to her. Smile at her. Sing to her. Read to her. Be present with your child. Other than that, I would say, try to get a good schedule/routine for her so that you don’t go crazy. Keep doing hobbies that you did before baby came. Ask other moms how they do things. Find an older mom friend who is just a little bit further along than you — maybe has more or older children and ask her for insight. Also, be nice to yourself! Motherhood is hard. Mistakes will be made but it is not the end of the world when something doesn’t go the way you hoped.

Vanessa is a new writer for Baby and Blog! Look out for more content from her in the coming weeks ?

Запись Baby Love: Vanessa and Kennedy впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Introduce yourself and your son.
A: My name is Alicia, and I live in Starkville, Mississippi, a rural college town. I currently work full time outside of the home, but I’m hopeful in a few months to begin working part time. I have one son, Ennis, who is 17 months old.

Tell us about Ennis.
A: Ennis is very serious but happy. He knows exactly what he wants and is learning to express it better and better each day.

Can you give a mini-version of your birth story?
A: Though we weren’t sure if it were early labor or practice labor, I couldn’t stay asleep. I was ready for my baby to come even though just two days prior an exam revealed I was not dilated at all or showing any other signs of impending birth. A little after daybreak, we called the midwife who we had been in contact with via text and calls throughout the night and my best friend who was coming to help us with the birth. My husband asked the midwife if he should start getting things ready, but she said he could wait until she arrived and checked me.

I walked around the house. I rolled my hips on my birth ball. I doubted this was really labor and felt silly having people come over. I kept walking and rolling and talking to my baby, telling him that it was safe and he could be born now if he were ready. My midwife lives about an hour and a half away. She arrived at 9 and after talking to me briefly, she had my husband and best friend begin preparing. During the most intense part of labor I was in the shower going through transition without realizing it until my midwife suggested I might be getting close to pushing. Shortly thereafter it was 11 a.m. and I had a baby nursing on my chest in my bed.

Do you breastfeed?
A: I do breastfeed, though that he’s a toddler so the frequency and duration is much shorter. I breastfeed because I am a big supporter of natural living in many areas of our life from my hair to my food. We source local grassfed beef from a small farmer. I have a flock of chickens in my backyard to provide us fresh eggs in a clean, cruelty free environment. We’re members of a local CSA that’s beyond organic in terms of using concerning herbicides and pesticides. We limit the amount of processed food in our diet and believe whole, natural food is conducive to health.

I spend a lot of time and money to provide my family clean, safe food that I know and trust the origin. I wanted to be able to provide the same for my child, so I breastfeed. It nurtures an important bond that I find especially important since I work outside the home and am away from him so many hours.

How do you balance breastfeeding and working/managing your household?
A: Right now I’m in the process of weaning off of my pump. I plan to stop pumping by the end of July, at which time I’ll make my last donor milk donation. I’ve been pumping and freezing milk since I returned to work when he was 12 weeks. I have my own office, so pumping with a hands free nursing bra fit easily in to my work day. I just closed my door and continued working. I responded really well to the pump, so I was able to donate excess milk to premature babies through a medical association. I do not pump at home.

When my son was younger and we nursed more often, I wore him a lot in a baby carrier. This freed my hands to cook, eat, and clean. I cannot imagine how I could have survived without a good quality baby carrier like a Boba or an Ergo.

How do you balance work and being a mom?
A: When I’m home, I’m home and my family is my priority. Ennis is only awake a few hours after I pick him up from child care, so I try to make those hours count. I’ve gotten him a summer membership to our gym, so we’ve been going swimming every day after work. We play and sing and splash and try to have a really good time until it’s time for bed.

What is your biggest parenting challenge right now?
A: I never thought I’d want to be a stay-at-home mom, but honestly it breaks my heart every single day to leave him at child care. I struggle knowing I carried him for almost a year. I birthed him. And then I’m away from him for the majority of his happy awake hours. I hate that I pick him up in time for dinner, a bath, and to put him to bed. Right now I’m the breadwinner in our family as my husband completes his PhD, so I volunteer at his school when I can. We cosleep. We’re pretty much together any time I’m not at work.

How do you determine Ennis is thriving?
A: Beyond hitting developmental milestones and gaining weight, I look to his mood to know how he is doing. When he’s happy, curious, and getting into something he probably shouldn’t, I know he’s doing well. If he’s clingy and quiet, I know something is wrong whether it be teething, illness, or stress.

How do you carve out time for yourself?
A: One huge thing I do is I use my lunch break at work to go to exercise whether it be running, hitting the weight room, or attending aerobics. I need the endorphins and the time away from my desk. I don’t like working out after or before work because I feel that takes away even more time with Ennis.

I also use a lot of my personal leave. In the last 12 months, Ennis and I have been to Washington, D.C., Indiana, North Carolina, Rhode Island and some other places closer to home. I love to travel, so I continue to do so with my family. We go to museums and botanical gardens and parks and zoos and I’m introducing him to the things I love, so that I am able to enjoy them as well. Me time doesn’t necessarily have to be me alone, just things I’m doing because I want to do them.

How does your husband contribute to child-rearing?
A: Being married to a PhD student is challenging, much more so than I ever would have imagined. For example, right now it’s Sunday afternoon, and he’s in the lab and has been since early this morning. I don’t know when he’ll come home, but I’m sure he’ll be warming up his food separately later. He’s not always able to be as involved as I know he’d like to be.

Since the beginning, he’s made sure we have a good foundation, so I feel well enough to be the primary caregiver. While I was pregnant, he got up early to bring me scrambled eggs in bed to fight off morning sickness. Each night, he makes our yogurt parfaits for breakfast the next morning at work. He also packs our lunches. For Ennis, he washes and prepares his cups and clothes diapers. He’s also usually the one who gets Ennis dressed and most nights he puts Ennis to bed.

Who is your child-rearing support group?
A: My long-time friends are still my biggest support group. Though they aren’t parents, they’ve been there for us wonderfully. For mother-to-mother support, I’ve met some great moms through La Leche League. I belong to some Facebook groups for natural living, cloth diapering, and/or breastfeeding mothers that have been very beneficial.

What advice would you give to a new mom?
A: Do things that make you feel good even if it’s not the way your family and friends raise their children. If you feel bad making a decision, see you can make a decision that makes you feel better. It’s your life and your child. They grow too fast to do anything else.

You can find Alicia on Twitter: https://twitter.com/liciabobesha and on her personal website: http://liciabobesha.com/.

Запись Baby Love: Alicia and Ennis впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.