I’m busy, so busy that it could be easy to not care about family meetings. Yet, I believe in running my family like a business to an extent. All good organizations need meetings to reflect, plan, celebrate, and grow. From extended family meetings at my grandparents’ to the one I run now in my own house, family meetings are essential to our household health. Family time has been keeping us together, grounded, and connected for generations.

At my grandparent’s house, it started with my grandfather’s drumming.

At dawn, his beat called the family to the living room. We sang together, read scriptures, and discussed different daily life challenges, giving our opinions and sharing ideas from our day-to-day experiences. We were sometimes quite groggy at the beginning of those meetings, but those family devotions were a great chance to talk with everyone about the right and wrong ways to go about life.

My mother’s version was a lot more creative.

One time she called my siblings and I around the dining table stacked with snacks and malted drinks for an eating and drinking contest. No one could forget the time when the entire family was commissioned to read through V.S. Naipaul’s “Miguel Street” and how we discussed the various stories as we went through the book together. Sometimes, she brought home a sheet full of riddles or brainteasers and had us sprawled on the floor with pencils and paper trying to get the answers. At other times, everyone gathered to discuss changes that were on the horizon and each of us would give our opinions on the matter.

So, it flowed into my own family.

It kicked off during premarital counselling, when we learned about the parallels of a family and a company. So in the first few years, we held them on the last day of every month. We would grab some time together and review the month: celebrating our successes and acknowledging our stumbles. We’d set new goals for the next month and discuss our budget and make other important decisions. But, it wasn’t all stuffy or formal like some company meetings. They are more like the intermissions we have at the movies in Jamaica: a break time for us to stop the busyness that life can be, assess our reality and get prepped to jump back into the show.

As a child, I assumed every family was run this way.

We never called them ‘family meetings’ at the time, but these times designated to play, learn, and think together were central to how we functioned. Now, that I’m a mother, I see how important regular family meetings are to the harmony in my home. Whether we use the time to practice spiritual disciplines (devotion), set goals, review the budget, do book reviews, or play board games, it is important to schedule regular times for the family to get together. We’re living in a time where toddlers have swim lessons, 8 year olds have sporting competitions, and teenagers are working part-time jobs. Everyone’s schedule is packed that we can too quickly we move past each other without ever really connecting.

As a mother, I want to be intentional about the harmony in my home.

I know it doesn’t all fall into place just because we live in the same space and share DNA. So, even if it’s just 20 minutes a week, I need to set an appointment with my husband and my daughter where it’s just us: playing, learning, and thinking together. From my childhood memories, I know these are the times when family values get defined and passed on, when challenges get addressed and conflicts are resolved. It allows us to plan for family events and align our calendars. We get the chance to share new ideas and have new experiences together.

Sometimes family meetings are scheduled like bill payment day or eat-out night. At other times, they are impromptu like when a problem erupts or when we get home extra early and decide to put on some old music and do crazy dances in the kitchen. Structured or casual, our family meetings are essential to our flow. We take them seriously, and we give each other our full attention.

Mommies, do you pencil in dedicated family time?

Запись I Run My Family Like a Company to Keep Us Together впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

1. Ruby Rails

Just the other day, my daughter told me that Ruby Rails is her favorite doll, so I had to list her first.  I must admit I love her too.  She is the first Black action figure doll that I have seen.  She is also a coder, and she comes with a parachute pack that allows girls to learn about engineering and aerodynamics while playing with her.

2.Healthy Roots

I love everything about this company which was started by a young design student who created the dolls and a children’s book to teach girls how to take care of their hair.   The dolls are available for pre-order.

3. Naturally Perfect Dolls

The line of dolls was created by  two parents who saw the need for their daughters to have a dolls with natural hair.  These dolls come in four shades of brown but the unique thing about this dolls is that they have “hair you can style/wash as natural hair.”

4. Ntomb’entle Dolls

In Zulu, Ntomb’entle means beautiful girl.  The Ntomb’entle dolls were created by Molemo Kgomo so that her daughter could relate to a beautiful Black South African doll.  I love that these dolls all have short hair.  It seems that although many dolls and books aim to teach girls about the beauty of their natural texture, very few encourage girls to embrace short hair.  These dolls are a perfect example of beautiful dolls that don’t have hair flowing down their backs.

5. Pretty Brown Girl

More than a doll, Pretty Brown Girl is a movement to teach girls to follow their dreams.  The doll was created by a mother who had a bad experience in an American Girl store.  In addition to the doll there are Pretty Brown Girl clubs as well as an after school program and an annual Pretty Brown Girl Day.

6. Queens of Africa

Based in Nigeria, this doll company creates dolls that embrace Nigerian culture and Black fashion and beauty.  The dolls also have story books and music that aim to empower girls of African descent.  The dolls come with Nigerian names from the three major ethnic groups in Nigeria.

7. OffDHookCreations

For anyone who is looking for a customized doll, please check out OffDHookCreations on ETSY.  I learned about these beautiful dolls from following the Instagram page of the same name.

8. Brown Eyed Dolls

Brown Eyed Dolls is a toy company that produces “dolls with wonderful curly, kinky hair, dolls with deep dark gorgeous skin tones and dolls with lighter skin tones.”

9. Ikuzi Dolls

The creator of Ikuzi Dolls,  Ozi Okaro has two daughters with different skin tones.  She was inspired by her daughters and her own experience growing up with a lack of dolls that represented her own beauty.

10. I’m a Pretty Little Black Girl

This doll comes from the main character of the children’s book that comes from the same name.

11. EthiDolls

“EthiDolls was founded on the idea that strong, smart & confident girls need relevant role models that are reflections of themselves.” The line of dolls is inspired by African real life women leaders from history such as Queen Mother Yaa Asantewa and other African royalty.  The dolls come with story books and an audio CD that teaches them history.

12. Hearts for Hearts-Rachel

Hearts for Hearts is a company that makes dolls that represent various nations around the world. Rachel is from Ethiopia.  She comes in two different outfits and has beautiful curly hair.

Moms, what are your favorite Black dolls?

Запись 11 Beautiful Black Dolls Beyond Barbie and Doc McStuffins впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

I’m a big believer in learning through play. Little children learn best when their imaginations and hearts are in the forefront. This is why I love dance class for my son.

From the time they can sit up, the tiniest babies love to move. Toddlers can hardly stand up before they’re bouncing and clapping whenever they hear a beat. Dance is such a natural form of expression.

When my son first started dance, I thought it’d be a good social opportunity, but now as we’re getting ready for our second recital, I see that dance is teaching my son to one day be a strong man.

He learns to listen to others.

Since my son isn’t in preschool, dance gives him an opportunity to listen to adults other than his family. Dance class is not a place for wild free-play. It shows that orderly quiet, respectful places can be fun even if it requires waiting for a turn to go across the floor.

He learns to face himself in the mirror.

Dance class takes place in a room of mirrors. Mirrors are vital to be able to see if what you think you’re doing actually matches what you’re doing. This literal self reflection teaches the priceless skill of self-evaluation. Learning to be proud of what you see is equally important.

Dance lets him escape the man box.

This year my son is the only little boy in his class, but that doesn’t worry me. I put him in dance to help him overcome the trappings of the “man box, ” the unwritten rules about what a man can and cannot do and still be respected. These gender conformity guidelines hurt both men and women as Tony Porter explains in a life-changing TED talk:

“Growing up as a boy, we were taught that men had to be tough, had to be strong, had to be courageous, dominating — no pain, no emotions, with the exception of anger — and definitely no fear; that men are in charge, which means women are not; that men lead, and you should just follow and do what we say; that men are superior; women are inferior; that men are strong; women are weak; that women are of less value, property of men, and objects, particularly sexual objects. I’ve later come to know that to be the collective socialization of men, better known as the “man box.” See this man box has in it all the ingredients of how we define what it means to be a man. […]

“I come to also look at this as this fear that we have as men, this fear that just has us paralyzed, holding us hostage to this man box. I can remember speaking to a 12-year-old boy, a football player, and I asked him, I said, “How would you feel if, in front of all the players, your coach told you you were playing like a girl?” Now I expected him to say something like, I’d be sad; I’d be mad; I’d be angry, or something like that. No, the boy said to me — the boy said to me, “It would destroy me.” And I said to myself, “God, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?””

Dance helps my son be secure in himself and his interests. It helps him value people regardless of their genders. Hopefully, he’ll see that he doesn’t have to live his life trapped in boxes. He can be both the little boy dirty from playing construction trucks in the mud and the one dancing as Beast in ballet slippers. His classmates can be little girls in pretty pink tutus but also strong, smart, funny, and his friends.

He sees that improvement take practice and commitment.

It’s adorable to look in on the class and see how terrible they are the first few times they’re taught something new. In dance, new is not a reason to be worried. It’s just another thing to work on. From day one, it starts with simple moves that become more and more complex, building toward a recital show in front of an audience. It’s amazing as a parent to watch that progress. I can only imagine how it feels as the dancer.

He’s learning to carry himself. 

Posture is important especially as our lives become more hunched over as we work and play on computers, tablets, and phones. I’m hopeful that good posture from ballet will stay with him and help prevent future neck and back pain. Plus, there’s a confidence that can’t be denied from someone who knows how to carry himself.

He was only three years old for his first recital, and we weren’t sure he’d have the confidence to walk out on stage, under those big lights, and perform, but he did. All four times.

I know some people raise an eyebrow because my son takes dance.

As a small child, he has the opportunities to explore and express himself without the baggage of societal expectations. For him to transcend any outside limitations that might try to stunt his success, he has to learn to be comfortable in his own skin. Dance is an amazing place to learn these lessons.

Dance class taps into that innate desire to express self, but it adds guidance and a platform for growth.He probably won’t study dance forever, but the skills he’s learning might one day be the difference that helps him make the cut of the team he wants to join or makes him standout at an important interview. Beyond the coordination and motor skills which are great, my son takes dance because it contributes to his whole self-development.

Запись How My Son’s Ballet Lessons Are Helping Him Develop Character впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

My children’s health, education, and well being mean too much to me to pass up this learning opportunity.

Mealtime is the best time to learn how not to be a jerk.

Manners matter, and mealtimes are a great time to work on them. I’m talking beyond please pass the salt. Whoever helped to make our meal gets a thank you from everyone eating. While I enjoy being told, “Thank you Mommy for making this beautiful dinner, ” I like even more to be able to see my son’s pride when I thank him for chopping vegetables for our dinner. Dinner makes our team stronger.

We eat the same meal.

Since he’s a child, he can only eat what I prepare. Though his favorite food is probably bread with butter, he’ll eat just about anything that’s served to him because he knows that’s the only option.

Some nights he eats dinner willingly, and others he’s slow because he’s not into it. Yes, it can be frustrating and exhausting, but parenting isn’t always about sunshine and rainbows. I remind him if he wants to grow strong and be healthy, he has to eat a variety of foods. While he doesn’t have to eat the dinner I’ve prepared, there’s no other option, and he’ll have to wait until breakfast if he wants something else. I think he’s chosen twice to not eat, only to come back later and sit down and eat.

That said, I do try to make good tasting food I think everyone will enjoy, and most nights I’m successful. He’s learned that he doesn’t have to love every bit of food that’s presented to him. It’s just one meal. Life will go on. Chew, swallow, get over it. I find myself applying this lesson to so many things throughout my week. I hope it’s one that sticks with my kids.

We talk at the table.

We talk about our days, the books we’re reading, the music we’re listening to, the things that made us laugh, the food in front of us. We talk. We take turns. We’re modeling conversation skills and building our children’s verbal and memory skills.

It’s so fun to see what my son wants to share with his dad from his day. Often the parts that stood out to me are not the ones he chooses to share. I’m reminded that he’s his own person, and he gives me the chance to see his POV. I do the same for him.

We keep a stack of library books at the table.

We check out about 20 books a week from the library. If my husband is able to join us for dinner, he reads the page closest to him, and I read the one closest to me. Otherwise, the attending adult does all the reading. The catch is that we only read if our 4 year old is actively eating.

We aim to read through three books a meal at lunch and dinner. If the story is good enough, he doesn’t care what’s on his plate, as long as we keep reading.

I love that there’s built in reading time in our day. I never have to ask if we’ve read any books. Between lunch, dinner, and bedtime, we’re reading so much. I love that my son can now read some to us.

The result of all this that is dinner time is no short affair in our house. It’s at least an hour most days. I consider the time an investment in my family.

Запись How I Use Mealtime for Discipline, Conversation and Education впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

The fight against spoiled children in many Black families starts early. Most new parents I know have had a mother, aunt, or grandmother swoop in and tell them, “You let that baby cry. You’ll spoil her picking her up every time she cries!” As our children get older, the focus on not spoiling them trends toward material items, especially electronics. But could our reluctance to “spoil” our children with technology at an early age set them back?

Two years ago, I sent my then two-year-old daughter to stay with her paternal grandparents for a week in the summer. I expected her doting grandparents to give her a bit more leeway than her father and I do. That’s what grandparents are for, right? I did not anticipate, however, that Bean would come home with a small Acer tablet they had purchased.

I was miffed at first. They didn’t ask us if she could have an electronic tablet. Initially, I thought we would buy our daughter a tablet when she was a little older, maybe four or five. Admittedly, I worried about her being “spoiled” too early with such an expensive toy. I had nightmarish images of her presumptuously begging for the latest iPhone by the time she turns six.

However, the more my daughter used her new tablet to access applications, I was surprised by how easily she took to it. At age three, she navigates the operating system without needing much help at all. It took me some time to realize that ability was an actual, valuable skill. I started to revaluate my reasons for wanting to expose her to technology later as opposed to sooner.

For parents like me, part of the reluctance to give our kids an electronic device may stem from the way we frame its usage. I tended to view a tablet, smartphone, or smart watch, as a kind of toy, rather than a learning tool. Sure, Bean could have a child’s Leap Pad “laptop.” But a real one? Technology was a privilege when I was growing up. I have participated in conversations about tech use saying, “I didn’t get my first cell phone until I was 16.” It’s a very different world now than it was then.

What I found was that my fears of spoiling my daughter via technology are baseless. Children largely fare well when they are introduced to electronic devices at an early age. Technology helps children grapple with a world that is constantly upgrading. It puts that world at their fingertips even if they aren’t able access it locally.

Much has been written about the tech gap between Black and Latino children and their White counterparts. The disparity exists for numerous reasons tied to economic disenfranchisement and disadvantages in education. It is ever important we prepare Black children to be fluent in tech as the amount of tech-based jobs increase. When the question is not one of affordability, but of parenting choice, exposing children to technology early and often is a sound decision.

Certainly, we can ensure our children understand both gratitude and the value of technology. My husband and I do not allow her to use her tablet when she acts out. We are still careful that she does not cultivate an attitude of entitlement. But I am no longer afraid that she will become “spoiled” if we buy her electronic devices. In that sense, my in-laws were absolutely right to get her a tablet. We can never ruin our children with too much knowledge.

Запись Why My 2-Year-Old Daughter Has a Tablet впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

While out on a New Year’s Eve run, I passed by a family loading up in their van.

Kids piled in quickly and a woman spoke harshly, “I’ve been calling you and calling you. I’ve been waiting here.”

Uh oh, I smiled to myself thinking of how frustrating it is when I’m ready to leave and my son is taking too long. I felt her pain as I came closer to their driveway then what I heard…

“You’re disrespectful.”

“You don’t listen.”

“This is why you’re never going to do anything.”

While I was able to keep running from those insults and curses, those children could not. My heart broke for them.

I was recently reading about the word gap, the phenomenon that lower income families speak dangerously fewer words to their children. This impacts their vocabulary, the ability to express themselves, and makes school more challenging.

What really got my attention was when researchers analyzed the types of words being spoken to children in low income families, the words were negative, much like what I overheard.

Researchers at Rice found that “by age four, the average child from a family on welfare will hear 125, 000 more words of discouragement than encouragement. When compared to the 560, 000 more words of praise as opposed to discouragement that a child from a high-income family will receive, this disparity is extraordinarily vast.”

Short version: not only do these kids hear fewer words, much of the words they hear are negative. The researchers don’t go into race in their findings, but I think black parents can take valuable insight from this study.

If any children in this country need to hear kindness, it’s black kids. In the era of Black Lives Matter we’ve become critically aware that from education to employment to simply walking down the street, we have so many different challenges thrown at us. So much negativity, judgment, and hate that sometimes ends in death. It’s isolating. It’s painful. It’s damaging.

Yet at the same time, it seems to be a cultural choice that we too must deride, degrade, and humiliate our children under the guise of discipline.

As I turned the corner, I wondered if we don’t believe in, encourage, support, and choose words of love with our own children, who do we expect to nurture them?

If we don’t come to them with love as our language, then why are we bothered when they don’t listen?

Why are we surprised when they trust their friends more than us?

If their mistakes are met with a reminder of everything they did wrong and an onslaught of all their disappointments, why would we ever expect them to come to us for help?

Why do we get mad when it feels like the rest of the world views them as worthless when we use those exact words as regular discipline?

I completely understand that gentle parenting isn’t for everyone, but I believe there still has to be other ways to communicate with our children with less trauma and more love. I believe it starts with the words we use.

For me, in this new year, I’m redoubling my efforts to make love my language not only to my children, but to my husband, my friends, and the world around me. In 2016, love is going to be my language.

Запись Why Speaking Gently to Our Kids is Even More Important in the Era of Black Lives Matter впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Photo Credit: Janelle Hamrick

Few things are sweeter to a mother than the sticky kisses of her children. As mommy to my 3-year-old little brown girl, Bean, I never get tired of planting smooches on her chubby cheeks (when she allows me to). When she reciprocates with a bird-like peck, I light up. Her hugs give me life. But underneath my general love for toddler affection, I have a slight confession to make.

Sometimes my daughter’s need for closeness drives me nuts.  

Kisses and hugs are the nectar of toddlers, let’s just get that straight. However, for reasons I have yet to intuit, if I am lying down, Bean has to be right. there. on. top. of. me. Her cold, clammy feet push up against my legs, my backside, my spine, like I’m a punching bag. My face becomes her personal pillow no matter how big the bed is.  Toddler morning breath ain’t nothing sweet.

Bean is a terrific cuddler…and motorboater. Nearly three years after I weaned her from breastfeeding, she still likes to show “appreciation” for my breasts by sticking her face in my chest and shaking her head. She wraps her tiny-but-firm fingers around my neck for her hugs. I have to gasp for air, pry her hands loose, and remind her not to choke mommy.

Her reply makes me feel guilty: “But I want to hug you!”

Even if we are lounging on the couch, she wants to sit in my lap. That’s cool for exactly 15 minutes or until she starts to dig her bony knees into the flesh of my thighs. At nearly four years old, she’s starting to get legitimately heavy. I am also seven months pregnant; I don’t have a lot of lap real estate left for her to occupy.

Sometimes I wonder if such behavior is par for the course with small children. Their trajectory of discovery literally starts with them finding the fingers and toes attached to their appendages. They learn themselves first before moving on to others. Toddlers are notoriously selfish, which makes the times when they are affectionate so precious.

Accordingly, I try my best to be patient with her. It seems I have done a stellar job teaching her regard for self-autonomy and her own personal boundaries…but a terrible job of teaching her to respect mine. She can indignantly tell me when she does not want to be kissed. She is, however, not so receptive when I tell her to stop after she kisses my cheek for the 17^th time in a row.

Part of our daily routine is to recite her “chores, ” one of which includes “Respect Others.” She solemnly says the words after me. I tell her, “Remember respect others?” when her fingers reach toward my mouth or other unseemly places. She nods enthusiastically. Her memory is as short as her stubby little digits.

When I am tired, or kicked in the gut, or short on my resolve not to bark at her, I disappoint myself. I yell. I push her off me unceremoniously. The betrayal in her big brown eyes fills me with recriminations. Mothers are not supposed to reject their babies, right? She is only a child, I remind myself. I try to scoop her back close to me and gently tell her that she can hurt mommy, that she must respect my wishes for space. Other times, I am not so soft.

Ultimately, this three-foot-nothing little human must grow up to learn that she is not the only person who likes her space respected. It’s important she learns this before pre-school. Nevertheless, I still want desperately to affirm her childlike need to be close to her mother, even as I struggle to teach her how close is too close. I want to have her kisses and my space, too. Until I find balance, I suppose I’ll be repeating “respect others” until the day she finally understands what that means.

Help! Am I the only mom whose child’s need for closeness drives her nuts?

Запись When You Love Your Children, But You Need Some Space впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

When I went natural 8 years ago, it felt revolutionary to me. I chopped my relaxed hair off for a number of reasons: I was a broke grad student with no home perm skills; I was curious about my natural hair texture, and I wanted to model self-acceptance for my future daughter. At the time, I was 23, idealistic, and full of fervor for little Black girls with beautiful kinky hair. I issued this proclamation: No daughter of mine will get a relaxer!

Life has a way of either mellowing you out or bringing people into your life who add some chill to your #TurnDownForWhat tendencies. My person is my husband. When we had our daughter “Bean” two years ago, I reiterated my stance on relaxers.

“I’m not paying for a relaxer. If she wants her hair straightened, she can get it blown out, pressed, flat ironed, and maybe even Keratin treated. But I’m not paying for chemical straightening before she’s 16.”

My husband grew up seeing his mother relax his sister’s hair at the age of 5. While he agrees that five is a bit young, he doesn’t see any problem with relaxed hair on preteens or teenagers.
But I remember what it was like to get my first relaxer at age 12. It felt like tingly white magic applied to my scalp. Black beauty in a plastic jar. I had begged and pleaded with my mom for the treatment; I wanted my hair to look like hers. In those days, straight hair meant you were Grown, having endured the chemical burns to reach womanhood.

That brand of beauty was pain. It was a rite of passage marked by me peeling scabs off my head with morbid fascination, thinking, “Ooh, that was big one!” It taught me that Black girls grow up to be women who painfully distance themselves from the texture of their original beauty. I had no idea what my natural hair looked like by the time I was 23.

One of my sincerest wishes for Bean is that she know and love herself deeply and early on. She will have no kiddie perms glorifying how much prettier she looks with sleek hair. That means I will praise the kinky coils of her hair loudly and often. And yes, that means forbidding her from permanently altering her hair until she’s old enough to love herself without enhancement.
I have no problem with straight hair on Black girls; Black is beautiful, period. I flat iron my own hair straight on occasion. I am simply wary of an aesthetic that tells Black girls the only path to Black womanhood is paved with a white chemical. I am scornful of a culture that insists we inflict pain upon our daughters to make them presentable.

I don’t blame my mother at all for allowing me to relax my hair. She followed both cultural convention and my own wishes by doing so. She came of age during the Black Power Movement in the 70s and wore an Afro when she was pregnant with me. History repeats itself, but times change. I have enough clarity to realize that I may not always feel this strongly about the politics of Black hair.

Years from now, when my opinion matters less to my daughter than her friends’ approval, I wonder what will be best for her. Would it be kind to allow her have a relaxer as a teen if it makes her feel pretty? I feel strongly about allowing her self-determination. As much as I can try to teach her, she (like me) may have to find her own way.

At the very least, she will not get a relaxer in her tender years; I feel I’m being reasonable in that stance. But what do you think? Should I force my daughter to be a naturalista “for her own good, ” or should I…relax?

Dara Mathis is a freelance writer, editor, and poet who lives in Georgia with her husband and daughter.  Her writing interrogates the politics of respectability for women, concepts of femininity, motherhood, and the intersection of race and gender. You can catch her tweeting reckless acts of punctuation on Twitter @dtafakari and at daratmathis.wordpress.com.

Запись Is it Fair to Force My Anti-Relaxer Stance on My Daughter? впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

I remember the way I felt watching princess films as a child and now I’m able to watch many of them with my children. I loved playing in the tub and swimming in the pool, pretending to be Ariel from the Little Mermaid. Sleeping Beauty was and still is my favorite Disney Princess. I’m really looking forward to seeing Maleficent!

I think we have to be very careful not to put out thoughts and feelings onto our children. I listen to and watch my girls pretend to be characters from their favorite films and it always takes me back to my childhood. We have collected almost all of the Disney Princess books over the years and they remain some of the favorites to be read over and over again.

“If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.”

~Albert Einstein

Запись A Response to “Why I Reject Princess Culture”… Why I EMBRACE Princess Culture For My Black Daughters впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

Yes! I’m a Daddy’s girl and I hope my daughter grows up to be a Daddy’s girl, too. The bond between a man and his child is the greatest form of empowerment and protection a child can have. I wear the features of my father’s face and have duplicated his strong personality, too. Since I learned to walk,  I was trailing him around the house and messing with his tools – wanting to do whatever he was doing. My Daddy and I would often stay up late watching movies and every Kung Fu movie would close out with the both of us play-fighting: fists flying and feet leaping through the air. He even took me to work with him, on a number of occasions. A man who is rarely at a loss for words,  he taught me the art of holding an engaging conversation; and I’m a fierce debater – my analytical and persuasive skills honed by many sessions of arguing topic after topic with him. From my earliest years, I could see how my Daddy was smitten with Mommy,  and how he seemed to dissolve into sorrow whenever they were separated for too long. These observations helped to formed my standards for love and defined my understanding of devotion. The invaluable and irreplaceable force that my father is in my life, cannot be described in any of the languages that I’m familiar with. I know, that being fathered is an unequalled experience,  that children yearn for and treasure; so I could never understand how any woman could consider herself a worthy substitute for her children’s Dad.

The Single Mother’s Misperception
In 1957,  Edith Clarke wrote the book “My Mother Who Fathered Me”,  based on her studies of West Indian family patterns. In the decades since it’s publication, the expression has been frequently used and widely accepted as a description of the struggles and accomplishments of many single mothers in our society. But, when asked to explain what is meant by this phrase: “a mother who fathers”, the usual response is, “she did everything – wash, cook, clean, house, clothe and feed us.” In essence,  such a mother was usually left to be the sole caregiver and provider for her children; and she often ended up bearing all the financial burdens of the household. But, it is rare, if ever at all, that you will hear this sash of honour being placed on a mother who received sufficient financial support from her child’s father. That’s because our society has led us to believe that the purpose of a father is to provide the tangible resources: food, shelter, clothing and material possessions, for their offspring. Unfortunately, many women have deliberately restricted the father of their children to the sole duty of making financial contributions – because they themselves did not experience an involved father and they imagine that the only thing they lacked in their childhood was that extra income. But,  money is definitely not all, because even though there are more women are in the workplace today, we seem to have more poverty,  juvenile delinquency, teen pregnancy, promiscuity, violence against women, child abuse and other social ills,  since the ‘nuclear’ family gained two incomes. Is it possible, that many women, who feel empowered by their ability to generate an income and feel affirmed by the champions of gender equality, have intentionally or unintentionally stifled the optimal development of their children? Have they ignored the indispensable role of their male co-parents and disregarded the intrinsic need a child has for a relationship with his/her father?

The Hats of an Involved Father
Research in various countries has shown that children who have a relationship with an involved male parent are smarter, more emotionally intelligent and have better social skills – among other things. They make better choices as adults and are less likely to suffer from mental health issues or addictions. But what exactly does a father do – beyond bringing home the dough and securing the home – to impact their children in such a significant way?

• Provider – Dads often define their self-worth by their ability to give their children all the things they need and want. But, beyond the tangible resources like food and shelter, fathers also teach their children about responsibility, independence and resource management through the way they handle money and the family’s expenses.
• Protector – From childproofing the home for a toddler and handling external threats to their safety to monitoring his teenager’s whereabouts and controlling the activities s/he gets involved with,  a father defends his children and guards them from harm. The sense of security he provides is larger than his physique and is felt even when he is not in his child’s presence.
• Playmate – The high-energy, physical frolicking that Papa is known for, is rarely matched by Mama, since his wild romping usually pushes limits and involves lots of rough-and-tumble. These impromptu wrestling matches and launch-into-space tosses into the air are key to brain and muscle development. But, more importantly, these sessions of roughhousing teach children to manage their emotions, improve concentration and thinking skills.
• Pilot – As head of the family (and the final authority), Daddy determines the family’s mission/priorities/focus and he guides his children based on his life principles. He doesn’t just lay down the law and enforce discipline; he is a role model,  who allows his children to learn about consequences and even acknowledges his own mistakes. A father helps his little ones with school work, but he also helps them to solve problems and make decisions through the various ages and stages of life.
• Philosopher – Through daily conversation and time spent together, a Dad passes on a lot of life lessons to his children. He helps to shape the way the see the world – the way they love and the things they think are worth fighting for. He moulds their minds with both his words,  his silence and his actions. Using his reasoning, his morals and his conduct,  a father prepares his children for facing and managing the realities of life.

 
Fathers who co-parent effectively also have a healthy and positive relationship with the mother(s) of their child(ren) – even if they don’t live together and even if they’re not having a romantic relationship with each other. An involved father shows affection to and is considerate of his child’s mother. He assists with the responsibilities of childcare and housekeeping. He affirms his partner and appreciates the role she plays as a mother. He treats her with respect and never speaks negatively about her. An involved father models a healthy male-female relationship for his children as he interacts with their mother. His son will learn how to be kind to women and to honour them, while his daughter will learn how she is to be treated by a man. By the way a father relates to and interacts with his child’s mother,  he makes mothering a less hectic and a more joyful experience.

It’s important to note that a father doesn’t have to live with his child to be involved in an effective way. In fact, your child’s ‘father’ doesn’t even need to be the biological parent to fill the Daddy shoes – ask any adopted child. So, if your child’s biological father is not willing or able to fill the shoes of a father, the role may be played by other males your child relates to for e.g. uncles,  grandfathers,  step-fathers,  older cousins,  family friends,  teachers or mentors. The man who becomes the father-figure in your child’s life just needs to be committed to the relationship, emotionally attached and willing to invest himself in the nurturing and development of your child. But, even after looking at all the arguments, statistics and research data about the relevance of fathers, some mother’s will still want to cite single-mother success stories: children that came out of female-headed, single-parent homes, but made a name for themselves. However,  even those successes are often tied to the intervention of or inspiration from a father-figure in the lives of these young persons. Nonetheless, if a child can accomplish great things with an absentee father,  can you imagine what could have been achieved if the mother-father balance was not damaged?

Whether we are living with and loving our child’s father or we’re separated and settled on keeping it that way, there are steps we mothers can take to respect the role of fathering and to honour the involved fathers in our lives. To facilitate our children’s experience of being fathered, we will need to make the commitment to:

Didan Ashanta is a natural living enthusiast who blogs at DidanAshanta.com. A native of Jamaica, she currently lives in Tokyo with her husband and 1-year-old daughter.

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