Recently I was a member of a black moms Facebook group where the topic of discipline came up frequently. It’s one of those hardline subjects in black culture that folks debate heavily but rarely change their minds on. The main argument in defense of spanking seemed to be that children who are whooped grow up to be respectful and well-behaved and children who are not whooped become hooligans. I believe that conclusion to be fundamentally flawed. For one, prisons are full of black men and women who were beaten heartily by their parents. But it’s also flawed based on my own experience.

I was raised by two ‘beat first, ask questions later’ parents. My parents worked in ministry, so it was essential that my siblings and I know how to behave because we were the resident ‘model family’. My dad regularly took us with him when he preached at various churches, and he had to know that we would not act up or complain. After all, as Christian kids part of our duty to God and our parents was to be well behaved.

By the time I was 15 years old I knew deep down that I would never hit my child. It’s 15 years later, I’ve had two children — one now a toddler and one an infant — and I still feel that way. But this does not mean that my children are not well-behaved. My son, who just got out of the terrible two’s and is knee-deep in the terrible three’s, is a well-adjusted child who rarely acts out. Let me explain why.

1. My goal is not to control his behavior. My goal is to help him manage his emotions.

Control and “good” behavior are not my end goal. I only use the term “well behaved” in the title of this piece because it is a main concern of those who criticize a non-spanking approach. But, to me, good behavior is beside the point.

My son is experiencing how big and exciting the world is and I want him to embrace it without fear. So I encourage him to run, jump, leap, and climb, to touch things and ask endless questions (even though, yes, it does get annoying). How he acts in a grocery store is the least of my concerns.

Being emotional is part of being human. And toddlers feel their emotions very deeply. My goal is to teach my son that his emotions are acceptable, but he must learn how to express them appropriately. So you can cry and be sad that the episode of Sesame Street is over, but you can’t throw a toy in your distress.

2. I take responsibility for his behavior.

And I do this because I feel that, at this age, he is mirroring me. If I’m not treating others respectfully and managing my emotions well, how can I expect him to? I make sure that I am constantly processing my own feelings and communicating clearly and respectfully with my husband. My kids are watching.

3. I understand that tantrums are not isolated incidents

The vast majority of my son’s tantrums boil down to hunger, tiredness/sleepiness or frustration that his sister is getting more attention than him. If most tantrums have a ‘root cause’ it means that I, as a parent, have the ability to stop them before they even begin. Keeping my son well fed, on a good sleep schedule, and making sure he knows that he is loved and included goes a long way towards alleviating poor behavior.

4. I get to the bottom of things before deciding on a course of discipline.

I don’t have eyes in the back of my head, so I don’t always know how things between my children go down. I might be working in one room when I hear my one-year-old daughter cry out. I don’t start by snatching up my son and whooping him. I start by cradling and comforting my daughter and then asking my son what happened. Did he push her because she stepped on one of his Lego creations? Did she take a toy he was playing with? Or was he just being aggressive? Knowing what happened helps me to know what my reaction should be. Also, I want my son to know he can tell me the truth without fear of violent retribution.

Growing up I had two friends whose parents beat them for acting out. What their parents did not know is that they were acting out because they had been sexually abused. I hope I never punish my child for acting in a way that is indicative of a deeper hurt.

5. I explain to my son why people around him act the way they do.

If my aim is to help my son manage his reactions, part of that is helping him make sense of other people’s actions. For example, he hates that his sister is always in his space. I explain to him that she crowds him because she admires and loves him. When he hears this, it makes him smile and he softens towards her. If he can make sense of his world then he can choose appropriate responses to the things that happen to him.

6. I keep him out of situations that are not toddler friendly.

I’m not going to ask my 3 year old to sit quietly and be still for 45 minutes while I do an errand. It’s uncomfortable and stretches the limits of what he’s capable of. He loves to move, touch and be curious, so I keep his daily life centered on those things.

7. I reinforce and consistently vocalize my expectations.

My son knows what my expectations are because I consistently vocalize them and keep him in environments that reinforce what I teach at home. Twice a week he does a full day at a preschool that teaches students in a gentle environment how to play cooperatively and respond to appropriate authority.

The result of all this is that my 3-year-old, who according to cultural norms should be having knock-down, drag-out tantrums multiple times a week/day, is a generally peaceful boy who tantrums very little. More importantly he is learning that his feelings matter, and is developing tools to navigate the world around him.

A lot of people think the no-spank, no-yell approach is yuppie or new-agey or something white people exclusively do. It’s actually none of the above. Native Americans were known for not using corporal punishment on their children.

Native American children prior to European contact seem to have enjoyed an indulged childhood followed by initiation rites, which occurred at the onset of PUBERTY. Born on an average at four-year intervals, they received protracted breast-feeding and the attention of their mothers, who carried them on their backs in cradleboards. Allowed to crawl when they were ready and to run about freely by the age of three, children were not disciplined with corporal punishment. Instead, instructed by their parents and members of the community in tasks designated by gender, they were chastised by shaming. At the onset of menstruation, girls were separated from the group and told to fast. Boys of the same age were isolated, confined, and given substances that induced visions as guides to life. Such practices marked a clear line between childhood and adulthood, as young men and women assumed the tasks designated by their cultures.

In seventeenth-century England, infants were shaped by midwives and then swaddled in the belief that the human body could not support itself. Children were breast-fed for about a year by their mothers or a wet nurse whose care could sometimes be negligent. Because crawling was thought to indicate animal behavior, children were encouraged to remain upright by the use of tight corsets under their long robes, leading strings attached to their shoulders, and standing or walking stools in which they could be left for long periods of time. Both boys and girls were corrected with corporal punishment as they grew.

All parents want their children to grow up to be happy, healthy and well-adjusted. But there are many paths to get there and many disciplinary options outside of spanking. I hope that as a culture we can begin to explore some of them.

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While out on a New Year’s Eve run, I passed by a family loading up in their van.

Kids piled in quickly and a woman spoke harshly, “I’ve been calling you and calling you. I’ve been waiting here.”

Uh oh, I smiled to myself thinking of how frustrating it is when I’m ready to leave and my son is taking too long. I felt her pain as I came closer to their driveway then what I heard…

“You’re disrespectful.”

“You don’t listen.”

“This is why you’re never going to do anything.”

While I was able to keep running from those insults and curses, those children could not. My heart broke for them.

I was recently reading about the word gap, the phenomenon that lower income families speak dangerously fewer words to their children. This impacts their vocabulary, the ability to express themselves, and makes school more challenging.

What really got my attention was when researchers analyzed the types of words being spoken to children in low income families, the words were negative, much like what I overheard.

Researchers at Rice found that “by age four, the average child from a family on welfare will hear 125, 000 more words of discouragement than encouragement. When compared to the 560, 000 more words of praise as opposed to discouragement that a child from a high-income family will receive, this disparity is extraordinarily vast.”

Short version: not only do these kids hear fewer words, much of the words they hear are negative. The researchers don’t go into race in their findings, but I think black parents can take valuable insight from this study.

If any children in this country need to hear kindness, it’s black kids. In the era of Black Lives Matter we’ve become critically aware that from education to employment to simply walking down the street, we have so many different challenges thrown at us. So much negativity, judgment, and hate that sometimes ends in death. It’s isolating. It’s painful. It’s damaging.

Yet at the same time, it seems to be a cultural choice that we too must deride, degrade, and humiliate our children under the guise of discipline.

As I turned the corner, I wondered if we don’t believe in, encourage, support, and choose words of love with our own children, who do we expect to nurture them?

If we don’t come to them with love as our language, then why are we bothered when they don’t listen?

Why are we surprised when they trust their friends more than us?

If their mistakes are met with a reminder of everything they did wrong and an onslaught of all their disappointments, why would we ever expect them to come to us for help?

Why do we get mad when it feels like the rest of the world views them as worthless when we use those exact words as regular discipline?

I completely understand that gentle parenting isn’t for everyone, but I believe there still has to be other ways to communicate with our children with less trauma and more love. I believe it starts with the words we use.

For me, in this new year, I’m redoubling my efforts to make love my language not only to my children, but to my husband, my friends, and the world around me. In 2016, love is going to be my language.

Запись Why Speaking Gently to Our Kids is Even More Important in the Era of Black Lives Matter впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

By Alicia Barnes, liciabobesha.com

We don’t spank in our house. Even with a two year old who has very big emotions. We don’t spank, or whoop, or pop, or beat, or yell. There are lots of interesting cognitive and social studies on the negatives of spanking, but I call on my own experiences for why we won’t hit our kids.

1. There’s no other situation when it’s appropriate for someone bigger with a position of power to hit someone just because he did something he didn’t like. I do not agree with husbands hitting wives even if they believe she deserved it. I’ve left a job because no paycheck is worth being yelled at or belittled or feeling threatened.

I do not and cannot tolerate any verbal or physical assault and violence toward myself, so I can’t do it to my kids. I can’t reconcile teaching my son not to hit and then hitting him. I don’t want my son especially to associate it being ok to hit people when they do something he doesn’t like. I especially worry for him as a future black man to know how to control his emotions and physical responses. I hope he learns to talk it out, so I don’t spank. I talk. Especially for my future daughters, I don’t ever want them thinking that they could possibly do something that merited them being hit by someone they love. I want them to view physical violence as a line that should never be crossed by people who claim to love them, so I don’t spank.

2. I was spanked. It didn’t warp me, but it didn’t help me either. The last spanking I got was for not cleaning my room. I was supposed to clean it before I went outside. I cleaned it some but not nearly enough. My mom came home and spanked me with a belt. If spanking worked, I would have never had a dirty room again. Only, it was just a few days later and my room was a mess. I have been struggling with mess and clutter my whole life. I struggled with it before that spanking. I struggle with it now. What I needed wasn’t a spanking. I needed less stuff. I needed guidance. I needed regular routines early on in life and carried throughout. When that belt was hitting me, I wasn’t thinking, “Wow, I wish I had cleaned my room.” No, I was thinking, “This really hurts. Please let this be over soon.”

Spankings, or beatings as we affectionately call them, were prevalent in the houses of my extended family and friends. Despite all the switches and belts meant to mold us into better people and scare us away from bad behavior, there were still teenage pregnancies, there were still arrest records, there was still drug selling and abusing, there was still being held back grades and not graduating, there was fighting in the streets, and now as we’re older I’m most saddened to see wife beating or acceptance of being hit as a woman. Spanking created momentary fear of being hit, not teaching life lessons. Because the punishment just never responded appropriately to the cause, the actual issues were never resolved. I can’t prove it, but it seems like my cousins that were hit the most are the ones sitting in jail.

I’ve been told when my son does something dangerous, I’ll need to spank him so he understands the seriousness of what he’s done. I don’t think hitting teaches him something is serious. I think explaining why something is dangerous, providing the proper environment and then redirection will do a lot more to help him make better future decisions.

I’ve also been told when my son mouths off to me, I’ll understand he then needs a pop. Yet, when some authority figure such as a police officer says the wrong thing to my son, I certainly don’t want him to think hitting the appropriate response. So I won’t spank.

3. Too often spanking isn’t about what the child did wrong but instead is the parent reacting out of frustration. When I look back at some of the spankings we received growing up, it’s evident to me that my mom was tired and we had just worked her nerves. I see these spankings all the time at the grocery store and at the park. Tired cranky parents with tired cranky kids. Suddenly behinds are swatted. The parents are reacting to how the child made them feel instead of what the child actually did. Is it really so awful that your kid doesn’t want to stand in Victoria’s Secret while you look at thongs? Is it really a hitting offense that he began to whine and wouldn’t stand still? A child making me feel embarrassed because he’s bored is not a reason for me to hit my kid, so I don’t spank.

When I think back on my spankings, it’s clear that the one thing they definitely did was teach me to distance myself. I was afraid of my parents. I was afraid of being hit, so I learned to hide the things that were hittable offenses. When I crossed the line, I learned to hide them better. It was easier to hide if I didn’t share, if I didn’t talk. The less they knew about me and what I did, the less likely I would get in trouble. The less they knew my friends, the better. Worse, I learned that hitting was an appropriate way to resolve conflict. For too long I believed that people in particular women could deserve to be hit. I threatened to hit people. I didn’t think I could be taken seriously without doing so. In situations where I didn’t think I could be the dominate one, I learned compliance and hold my head down or else.

These are not the things I want for my children. I want my children to learn to have ownership of and value not only their own bodies but also for others. I want them to talk. I want them learn to work through their problems. I never want them to think it’s ok for them whether they’re 2 or 22 or 102 for someone to hit them, so I will not spank. No, I will not hit my kids.

Mommies, what are your views on spanking?

***

Alicia lives in a small college town that often challenges her resolve to live as simply and as stress-free as possible. When she’s not working, rereading the same children’s books, cooking, or wondering how crunchy she’s become, she’s busy updating her site,  liciabobesha.com. You can follow her on facebook.

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By DeAnna

It seems that one of the most common subjects in the stand up routines of black comedians is the difference between black people and white people. More specifically, the differences between black parents and white parents.

We’ve all heard it before: White children are little hellions that run wild because their parents don’t discipline them, while black children are like mini-adults that rarely misbehave because of the fear that unacceptable behavior will result in parents that (to quote the the late, great Bernie Mac, ) “Bust their heads ’til the white meat shows.”

I laugh even as I type that last line, but the reality is physical punishment is no joke. Another reality is that parents of all races hit their kids to discipline them, so hitting your children doesn’t make you more authentically black than another parent that chooses not to. But I’m not getting paid (yet) to write a tirade about the scourge of spanking, this article is supposed to be about time out.

So let me start with this: I have used time out as a primary form of discipline for almost 2 years, and I can say first-hand that it can be an effective, non-violent way of modifying the behavior of your child. There are just a few basic guidelines I would recommend following to make it work for you.

1. Start Early (and don’t go too late.)

I was surprised when I went to my son George’s 18-month checkup, and had his pediatrician tell me that would be a reasonable then to start time out. I had assumed that I needed to wait until George was realy verbal, and could stand in one place alone before trying it out.

But no, the doctor told me that even if my son wasn’t talking a lot, he could still begin to grasp the concept of time out. Additionally, the inability to stand in one place issue could be addressed by standing with George in the corner until the time was up. Eventually, George began to learn to stay there on his own.

So, 18-months is when our time out journey began and I think it will probably continue until George is about 5. I have read 7 is an age when time out can still be an effective punishment, but I personally think that is a little on the old side. A minute per year of age (1 minute for 18 month old, 2 minutes for 2 year old, etc.) and a dedicated spot in your home is really all you need to get started. Oh, and a commitment–but more on that later.

2. Follow a predictable pattern

Time outs in our home usually start with a warning. The exception would be if it was something potentially dangerous that has already occurred (for example, throwing a toy across the room.) In that case, a time out would be ordered, no opportunity for another outcome.

But if we are trying to get George to do a certain thing, it typically goes like this.

“George, I need you to put your toys away.”
[George either complies or doesn’t comply.] If he doesn’t comply:
“George either you can put your toys away, or you can go to time out and THEN put your toys away.”

Like most rational 3-year olds, 99% of the time George will then decide to put his toys away. Because if he is going to have to do it anyway, might as well get to it, instead of staring at the wall for 3 minutes in between.

And like most rational 3-year olds, 1% of the time George will decide to go to time out and THEN put his toys away. I don’t know why–maybe because he needs a break. Maybe because he just wants to choose time out. I don’t really care, as long as he puts the toys away and I haven’t hit him–I have achieved my goal.

After the time out is over we have a little chat about what just happened. It usually goes something like this,

“George, you had to go to time out because you wouldn’t put your toys away. If you put your toys away, you won’t have to go to time out for that anymore. Do you understand?”

The for that is key, because the reality is your kid is probably going to have to go to time out again for something else in the future. During the chat, it is also important that you bend down to get on eye level with your child. Also, speak slowly and calmly. All of these things show your child that you mean business, and are trying to connect with him or her.

Some people suggest forcing your child to make eye contact with you, or demanding a hug or an apology. I said in this post why I don’t think forcing physical behaviors is a good idea. We also don’t tell our son to say sorry at the end of time outs because I am not a fan of promoting insincere apologies; it is important to me that he apologize only when he means it. I have found that by not telling him to say sorry, he has started to apologize for things on his own, when he thinks it is warranted.

I also end all time outs by asking George if he would like a hug, and reminding him that I love him. Because the reality is, we all screw up sometimes, and we need people in our lives that love us regardless.

I should also note that before the time out begins, I sometimes I give him two warnings. It really just depends on my mood. Sometimes I don’t feel like putting in the effort of monitoring a time out. But I never give more than two, and I never put out the possibility of time out unless I plan on following through. Which leads me to my next guideline…

3. Be Consistent

If you’re running late and don’t have 3 minutes to spare, don’t threaten a time out. It is also important to follow the time guidelines, primarily because it is what is most appropriate developmentally for children’s growing brains. I will either use a timer on the stove or my cellphone, or if I’m feeling lazy–the wall clock in our living room. But you don’t want to put your child in time out and then get distracted and forget about him/her. You also don’t want to allow any messing around. It’s not Camp Corner, it’s punishment. This means no singing, no looking around, no rubbing hands on the wall, etc.

Be consistent doesn’t just apply to time out, it applies to any form of discipline that you are using. If I was writing an article called Bad Parenting 101 The first rule would be Make Empty Threats. Children (young children especially, ) thrive on structure and routine.They take comfort in the fact that their parents say what they mean and mean what they say. One of the easiest ways to confuse a child and create more undesirable behavior is by being unpredictable with your discipline.

If you decide to commit to using time out, recognize that it will work–if you use it repeatedly and effectively. In times of stress, try to remind yourself of all the positive reasons that you are doing it, and that whatever cray cray behavior your child is showing at the moment will eventually pass.

Like, have you ever noticed when you’re watching a talk show about out of control teens, without fail the parents say something like “We’ve tried everything!”?

The reason they’ve “tried everything” is because they are constantly jumping around from technique to technique, not seeing anything through until it starts to work. In my house, we didn’t do time out once and never have any issues again. We did it until. Until we saw progress. Until George walked to the corner on his own. Until he stayed there without anyone holding him. Until he complied with our requests without having to threaten time out. Until he picked up his toys without being asked, because he recognizes that “it’s not good to be messy.” (Yes, he says that.)

Look, I’m not trying to say that George is a perfect little angel. But I will say that he respects my husband and me, is better behaved than most other children his age, and knows the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior in a variety of situations. And I can take comfort in the fact that violence or the threat of violence is not an undercurrent in our relationship. All while keeping my Black Card firmly in hand ?

Do you have anything you’d like to share? If so, leave it in the comments.

DeAnna is a former psychotherapist turned blogger and stay-at-home mom. You can read her thoughts about race, racism and other forms of inequality on her blog: www.myblackfriendsays.com

Запись Discipline Without Spanking: 3 Tips for Effective Time Out впервые появилась Baby & Blog | Celebrating Black Mommyhood.

A few days ago I came across an article on Ebony Magazine’s website written by a new mother describing her approach to parenting, which included natural childbirth, breastfeeding and not spanking. The author labeled her choices as “white parenting decisions”, and connected black mothers’ use of physical punishment to slavery. Here’s an excerpt:

“Finally, a glutton for racially insensitive punishment, I’ve joined the uber-segregated “positive discipline” movement. Mothers are instructed to ignore or redirect undesirable behavior, reward good behavior and to acknowledge their children’s feelings. The alternatives,  experts say, are dire. Children of spankers more frequently battle mental illness, imprisonment, and substance abuse. Of course, the new findings indict Black mamas (rather than socioeconomic factors) for their low-down, spanking ways. Even well-meaning defenders of Black mothering depend on these false binaries to support their arguments. Parents must use “credible threats” to “run” their households or be victim to “ruthless dictators.” If it sounds like a duck, it’s probably a plantation.

Corporal punishment is not an invention of the antebellum plantation,  but the relationship between American totalitarianism and brutality was forged there. Disobedience to unclear rules was met with brute force not even two hundred years ago; that’s only five Big Mommas back. We still speak the names of the last people whose flesh was bullwhip-torn. Although I won’t make an essentialist claim about (mythically homogeneous) Black parenting, I believe that today’s plantation system— the prison industrial complex—necessitates a history lesson that will explain why some parents train children to respect authority and others can afford to ponder freedom.”

As a black mother who breastfed, endured 17 hours of natural, non-drugged labor and a vaginal birth (which I would gladly do again!), and doesn’t plan on spanking, I found the association of these practices with ‘whiteness’ a bit troubling.

I made my decision not to spank my children as a child myself. Corporal punishment was grossly misused in my own household, and those of other children I knew. I noticed that, over time, spanking (or ‘beating’, as black people call it) became less and less about what a child did wrong, and more and more about a parent’s own anger, frustration or general depression. Plus I witnessed too many incidents where a child rose up and fought back. And let me tell you, there is NOTHING uglier than watching a child fight his or her parent.

Still, I don’t denounce it as a method of discipline. My husband’s mother used spanking in a very limited, controlled and effective way — he was spanked exactly 3 times in his entire life — and he turned out pretty awesome:) I’m just personally too scarred by what I’ve seen to attempt it myself.

On the other hand, we’ve all heard of the mythical super-disrespectful, non-black child in the grocery store who curses his mother up and down because she won’t buy him candy. As a new black mom, I do struggle to figure out what the balance is. Especially when Noah is looking up at me, all doe eyed, as he reaches for something sharp or knocks over a lamp.

Still, I’ve never looked upon my decision not to spank as a ‘white’ one. Primarily because I don’t think white people hold all the secrets to proper child discipline. And also because my decision not to spank was made within my own Caribbean-American culture, and wasn’t influenced by anything or anyone on the ‘outside’.

What do you think ladies? Do you consider the decision not to spank a child a “white” thing? And what decision have you made regarding disciplining your own children?

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